Laugh Line (4/16/1959) | Dick Van Dyke, Elaine May, Mike Nichols

This is a stock company of living cartoon characters. They can be happy, angry, scared, sad [music] or any other emotion or in fact position that our panel directs. Once the emotion and position are set, it is up to our team of panelists to create on the spot a laugh line. [music] Laugh line is brought to you by Andison. [music] Anison with pain relievers most doctors recommend. Andison for fast, fast, fast relief of headache, uritis, uralgia pain. Here is your host and cartoon interlocator, Dick Van Djk. Good evening. [music] [applause] Good evening. Thank you very much and welcome everybody to Laughline Line, a brand new television game of living cartoons submitted by our audience with captions, comedy captions created on the spot by our team of panelists here whom I'd like you to meet right now. First of all, Orson Bean. I uh you may remember me. I formerly went on the screen under the name of Irene Dunn. [laughter] >> Excuse me, Orson. >> Sorry. >> You have to leave right after the show for Anatomy of Murder, too, incidentally, don't you? That's a movie he's shooting. >> Yeah. >> And All right. And next, we have Miss Dorothy Lden. >> I have nothing to say. [laughter] >> Good evening. >> Yeah. Welcome to the show, Dorothy. We're happy to have >> Thank you. I'm happy to be working the novelty >> and then Mike Nichols. >> After the show, I'd like everyone to come on up to my place. [laughter] >> Finally, Lane. It's just a pleasure. >> It's a pleasure for us having you. It's going to be more of a pleasure as the show goes on. And that's our panel right there. And we'll be back with our first game in just a moment. Right now, I have some advice for you out there. Very good advice. When minor pains of arthritis or rheumatism, backachche, muscle ache strike, here's what to do. When minor pains of arthritis, rheumatism, backachche strike, aching muscles like coils of steel tighten up, become stiff and sore deep around painful sensitive joints. Now comes liquid heat. Heat penetrates deep into the skin, spreads a blanket of soothing warmth, relieves minor pain for hours, so muscles relax. This pain around sensitive joints is relieved. >> I've never felt so good and heat works so fast. >> Relieve this pain so muscles relax. Get heat. >> [music] >> All right. Now, on with the game. This, as you can see in front of us, is our laugh line meter. And it and when you laugh, the meter will tell us, you and the audience here, how much you do laugh. I'll try to show you what I mean here. There were two golfers putting out on the ninth green. And just as the fellow who was down was getting ready to putt, a funeral went by and he stopped, took his hat off, held it over his heart till they were gone. And then he puted. His partner said, "Gee," he said, "said, I didn't know that you were that sentimental." and he says, "Well, it's the least I can do." He said, "Come Saturday, we've been in men been married 25 years. That's worth $15. Thank you very much. I get that." You know, as you can see, uh, the top laugh we can get here is $25. Now, we'll explain more about that as our game goes on. Right now, let's pull back the curtain and see our first living cartoon. [music] As you can see, this is a typical western scene which was submitted to us by Dr. JB Manning of Sulphur Springs, Texas. It's a typical western type of a saloon, the same kind you see on your television set every night, all night. And uh you see, we have a bar back there and over here we have their swinging doors. And uh this is a swinging girl sitting here. She's the hostess in the saloon really. And here we have two cowboys. Well, actually about a cowboy and a half is what we have here. And they're having some kind of a thing there. The smaller guy's got the drop on the big guy as you can tell. And the smaller guy is saying, "I'm warning you, stranger. I hardly ever miss at this distance and I can walk out there." Now, panel, let's see how much you can win for Dr. Manning of Sulphur Springs. You'll have five minutes to create laugh lines for this cartoon. Now, you can leave the characters as they are. If you want, you can move them around to any other position, change their emotions and their expressions, anything you want to fit your laugh line. We'll go uh once around the panel and then we'll have a free for all time for everybody can get into it after that. And don't forget, when you're ready with your laugh line, push your button. Would you try that once? [bell] >> Thank you very much. That puts quotes around it. So, we just do that all night. >> Lovely. Harmony Bean, we're going to start with you. >> All right. Uh, little cowboy, would you move down about a foot and a half down towards the foot lightss? Big cowboy, would you move down about 2 feet in my direction so that you're in a line with him, only facing each other. Now move back. Step back about a foot tall cowboy. Lovely girl, would you stand up and get between them, please get between them and would you put your gun away, short cowboy, because we don't need any guns in this. And step big cowboy back about a foot. Now, this is a fight. This is a grudge fight. This is real rage. I want to see some real fury there. Real fury. Now, girl, spread your arms and keep them apart. Otherwise, they're going to kill each other. That's it. And the little cowboy is speaking and he's saying, "YOU BIG JERK. IF I WASN'T ADJUSTED TO THE PIECE, I'D SLUG YOU." [laughter] >> WONDER, very good. >> And what a 20 flight. >> That's an excellent laugh line. $25, which augers well for the show because you went right to the top to begin with. And now we come to you, Dorothy Lel. >> Oh, wouldn't you know it. Um, [laughter] that that was funny. It was >> Thank you. >> Why everybody just stop that what they're doing? Uh, now would you all could you bring the the tall uh cowboy fella uh sort of move the table out a little bit to the center more? That's fine. Uh now uh would uh both chair one chair on either side of the table please on either side. Now uh the two the two men sit down and face out front and the girl you go in the back and sit in the middle on the table. Sit quickly and uh everybody because we don't have much time. Everybody uh raise their what is that? Whatever that is there beer. Yeah. Now high real you know raise the glasses high. Now everybody close their ma eyes. Close their eyes and open your mouths real wide because you're singing. Heads up like you're singing, you know. Let the thing That's right. And they're singing. M I C [singing] K E Y. Very good. There's another $25 line already. You're setting a terrible president here. Very good, Derby. [clears throat] >> All right, we move now to Mike Nichols. >> Uh, will the tall cowboy please get up and stand at the swinging doors as if he's just come in? Will the other couple please stand? And will the girl take the short cowboy in her arms, please? Stand up as straight as you can, young lady. [laughter] >> I barely meant to emphasize the difference in height. And will uh they will the shorter cowboy look very passionate, please? And now will the girl That'll do for now. Will will the girl please look startled towards the door? towards the door where the tall cowboy is standing, sweetheart. And will the short cowboy look towards the door also? And will the tall cowboy look hurt, please? And the line is his. And he says, "I knew there was someone else but you, Bart. My best friend." [laughter] [applause] >> Very good night. That's $15 worth. And now we quickly move on to Miss Elaine May. >> I don't know. Uh, will the Oh, will you just Eddie stop? All right. Will the little cowboy will you go to the end of the bar? Yes. That and know the end you were going to. Yes. Look off as if into another room. Yes. And be waving with a great great deal of verb. [laughter] Party verb. Now, will the young lady go over to the other side of the room? Will you go to the very end of the bar, dear? Sort of be leaning out. No, not not you out of the picture. >> The short cow. Well, sort of lean as though you're calling to somebody. The small cowboy. >> Yes. Now, uh, will the girl uh look at the small cowboy with an expression of real delight and interest? So, she's going to start for him as though she's going to start walking toward him. And will the tall cowboy Don't really start walking toward him. Stay where you were, though. You see, that's the trick. Um, and will the tall cowboy put her your hand on his uh her arm? Yes. And the line is the tall cowboys and he's saying, "Look, Phyllis, I've been to a lot more Hollywood parties than you." And and I'VE [applause] >> What's the rest of the line, Elaine? >> And I've seen the Jack Par show every night. And that is not Elsa Maxwell. >> Oh, delightful. $25 worth delightful, Elaine. Very good. And that means you took so long directing there that we have no free for all time whatsoever. And so that means you've won for Dr. Manning of Sulur Springs. How much money? $90 alltogether. Congratulations to >> ALL OF YOU. [music] I JUST CAN'T. I can't get up. >> Okay, we'll come back with another cartoon in just a minute. Right now, for sufferers of sinus congestion and cold misery, here is a word from Dristan. >> Oh, brother, this miserable cold and my sinuses. >> Haven't you heard about Drian? >> Dristan decongestion tablets. New medical achievement which helps drain all eight sinus cavities. critical areas of colds infection. Drian is the exclusive three-layer tablet which for the first time makes it possible to unite certain medically proven ingredients into one fast acting uncodated tablet. Drian contains a decongestant to shrink swollen membranes. Pain relievers to ease body aches, reduce fever, vitamin C to help build body resistance. This is Dristan. When you take Drian, here's what happens. Circulating through the blood, Drian reaches all congested areas. Drian starts to work in minutes. Shrinks swollen membranes. Promotes sinus drainage, thus relieves pressure. Now, real relief from sinus congestion and colds misery. Remember, there's nothing like Drian decongestant tablets. [music] Well, we had a dandy first round there. Oh, by the way, uh since this is our first show, we put ads in several newspapers around the country asking for cartoons, and Dr. Manning was one that we did have submitted and congratulations to you and we'll tell you a little bit more about the cartoons later. Right now, let's see our second living cartoon panel. [music] >> Ah, this was sent to us by Mrs. EJ Hower. I believe that is from Sistersville, West Virginia. You can see we're on a sidewalk outside a house. And from the look of things, I judge it's pretty early in the morning, too. And here's a fellow who's just coming home from a very hard day's work there. Or we maybe stopped had a few belts on the way, you know. And I judge from the look on his wife's face, he's got about one more belt coming to him before he gets in the house. Anyway, our nebiated friend here is saying to the street cleaner, "Listen, until I find out if this is where I live, you better keep the motor running, Cabbie." [laughter] And there you have the cartoon panel. It's up to you to win more money for Mrs. Hower of Sisterville, West Virginia. Create laugh lines. You have five minutes now. So, we'll start out this time with you, Dorothy. Love. >> Oh. Um, [laughter] let's see. Um, would the fellow that's sitting in the bucket get up if you can? It won't take. Very good. Yeah. Um, I [laughter] don't know what to do with you now that you're up. Uh you uh would the then go over and drape yourself. I'll give the broom to the man that's a cleaner, please. Yeah. Now you go over and drape sit down and drape spraw sprawl over that can there. Really sprawl like you're That's very good. [laughter] That's really sprawling. Um and now you the little lady you look just as awful as you can just only tore the street cleaner, >> you know. And put your [laughter] I really shouldn't say anything as funny as it is. Now, just put your hands out, you know, palms up like, "Oh, what can I do?" I mean, it's Yeah, like that. Now, open your mouth real wide like you're mad and sad and everything all at once, you know? [laughter] Oh, that's good. And she And she This won't be, but that is. [laughter] And she's saying to him, "Oh, night after NIGHT, IT'S LIKE THIS. I DON'T KNOW WHY I BOTHER TO FIX MYSELF UP. That was $25 worth. I'm sorry it [laughter] doesn't go anywhere. >> Very good, Dorothy. All right, now we pass it on down to Mike Nichols. Well, uh, will the lady please get on the top step and will the gentleman get back in the bucket facing the other way? That's right. Will the garbage collector please turn around as if he is pulling the bucket? Uh, will the gentleman please look at the lady behind him and wave gay? And will the lady please put a happy expression on her face and wave back? And it's her line and she says, "Now that you know where we live, don't be such a stranger. [applause] GREAT. OH, GREAT. Another $25 worth. [laughter] Now we all will go up to your place after the show, Mike, your wonderful host." Another $25 and down to Ela May. >> Um well, um everybody stop what they're doing. Yes. Now, will you wheel the uh the bucket over by the stairs, somebody? Yes. Will the man who is on the bucket get out of the bucket and straighten himself up while the street cleaner puts his broom aside and messes himself up terribly, as badly as possible? Look, just, you know, as snooky as you can. Will will the young lady leap into the bucket? [laughter] >> You messed yourself up, too, >> brave girl. >> Yes. Now, will Will the gentleman who fixed himself up please get on the stairs? the second step. Quickly, quickly. Now, will the street cleaner go over by the bucket and stand facing towards the audience? Yes. Now, will the gentleman who's standing on the step put his hand on the lady's shoulder and look at sort of both of them? No. Don't look at him, though. Both of you look sort of ashamed. Yes. And you you sir, will you look almost compassionate? And you're saying, "You little fools, do you think I would have tried to stop you if you told me you were in love?" [applause] >> Oh, jackpot again. $25. >> Are we batting a thousand here tonight? All right, Orson, back to you. >> This is a great show. If the Anderson people don't want it, I'll buy it. Hey lady, would you get out of the out of the thing, please? And uh you sir, who was driving it, I want you to sleep yourself up. The man is pushing it, push your hair back and move it back about a foot and a quarter. Now, sir, would you who were in it originally get back in it, please. And I want on Get No, stand in it this time. Stand right down in it. And I want a look of real determination. Now, first of all, would you would you take off your tie, please? Take your neck tie off and I want you to tie it around your forehead. Tie it right around your forehead with a knot in the back. Now from you pushing it, sir, I want a look of real speed. One foot up. This is speed. I want to see the wind whistling by you. This is fast. Now man in the thing, one hand on it. One hand on on it and the other one up in the air with a clenched fist. Now lady, you don't know who it is, but you're looking amazed and astounded. And the man who's pushing it is speaking and HE'S SAYING, "EVERY TIME THIS POOR NUT GETS A FEW DRINKS IN HIM, HE THINKS SHE'S BEEN HEARD. >> [applause] >> LET'S SEE. We wish up $20 more there. And that's once around the panel. Once again, we overdirected panel and we have no free for all time. So, we've come to our total already. So, you have won for Mrs. EJ Hower of Sistersville, West Virginia a total of $95. Congratulations. Those [music] are gyms. All right. Right now, I want to take just a minute to tell our audience something. If you want really fast relief of headache pain, you'll want the pain relievers that three out of four doctors recommend. You'll want Anison. Here's the story. Anywhere, anytime a headache strikes, stop. Ask yourself, what do doctors recommend for headache pain? What do doctors recommend? >> Today, three out of four doctors recommend the ingredients in Anison. Why? See for yourself. When headache strikes, pain mounts up. You feel dull, depressed. Tension puts nerves on edge. Now, aspirin has only one pain reliever. Add buffering, you still get only one. But Anisonin is like a doctor's prescription. That is a combination of ingredients to one relieve pain. Two help overcome that depressed feeling. Three, calm, jittery nerves. You get fast relief from pain, fight depression, calm jittery nerves. >> I feel great and an Andison doesn't upset my stomach. >> So remember, when pain strikes, aspirin, even aspirin with buffering, has only one pain reliever. Get Anison with pain relievers three out of four doctors recommend. Take Andison for fast, fast, fast relief. >> Remember, when headache pain strikes, do what I do. Get Anison. Just uh one word for you out there. You at home watching, I mean. >> Yes, you. You are invited to submit original ideas for use on this program. Just dream up a funny situation. Describe the setting, the characters, and how you want them to look and of course your suggestion for a laugh line. and then send it in to laugh line post office box 549 New York19 New York. None of the submissions can be acknowledged or returned. Any and all such submissions become the property of the producers who have the final decision on selection of material. In case of duplication, priority shall govern. We will notify you if your cartoon is selected. And of course, all material used will be paid for in accordance with the rules of the program. See there? [applause] Yeah. Glad you're watching, huh? >> Yeah, that was Betty Lou, one of our stock companies. [laughter] Okay, panelists, get on now and look at our next living cartoon. This was sent to us by Mr. Charles Daly of Arm, New York. And what we have here is fairly descriptive in itself. I think it's a scientific laboratory of these two gentlemen here. They're having a little disagreement about something somebody got in the pettic drawer or something like that. And this, of course, is a girl here. Uh, one of the late models, I think. I don't. She's either alive or dead. It depends on your frame of mind at the time and your mood panel. Now, these two over here, of course, the one who's doing the choking, the mad scientist doing the choking is saying, "Now that we've created her, what do I need an assistant for?" So, there is the cartoon panel and once again, you have five minutes for your laugh lines. And this time, we'll start with you, Mike Nichols. >> Great. Uh, I have a very fast one that I can do without changing anything except the girl's expression which should be extremely happy and open your mouth a little a little a little less dear. And uh, it's her line and she's saying I feel great and Addison doesn't upset my stomach. [applause] Oh, good. [laughter] >> We'll all be at your place. Very, very good. That was a $25 laugh line, Mike Pickles. Thank you very much. And now the directing goes to you, Elaine May. >> Oh. Uh, it's my fault that there's no free time. Look. Uh, all right. Stop. What you're doing, boys. Boys. All right. Now, uh, look at the girl. This is for real. Real tension. A real dramatic tension. No. No. It's a grim. I want a grim scene. And I want you to the tall man to clutch the short man's shoulders, but grimly as though you're lit from underneath and you're looking at the girl. Uh, young lady, can you look as though you've just woken to life? [clears throat] All right. And but you're not looking. You see, if you don't look grim, the whole thing won't work. Stand straight. Tall man. That's right. That's [laughter] perfect. And the tall man is saying, "At last you go. I have created what I have strived through for through my entire scientific career, a girlfriend. [laughter] [applause] And we racked up another $15 there for Mr. Dailyaly. And we come back now to Orson Bean. >> Well, [laughter] little man, would you move down about a foot? A foot and a half. Another foot. Another foot. Now would you move back about a foot? Back about a foot. Little man. Little man. Now over this way about a foot. Now face the audience. Face front. Now big man, would you move down front next to him. Now would you turn facing him? Little man. Just kind of half face him like this. Now big man. Big man, move in just a little bit. Move in just a little bit. Oh, I can't do this. No. No. All right. Another one. It wouldn't work. All right. Now [laughter] move back. Now big man, move back a little bit from him. Now, I want to see from the little man a real sense of pride. A real put put your thumbs under your arms like this. Like like you've Yeah, that's it. Real pride. And big man, you're furious. You're really furious. And you're shaking your fist at him and you're saying, "What do you mean we've created her? You can't take none of the CREDIT FOR THIS. REMEMBER, I CREATED YOU." [applause] >> Very good. That's another $25. We go up again. Hit the jackpot. >> Too much time there. >> I like your direction. Thank [laughter] you very much. >> And now we come to you, Dorothy Louden. >> Uh, can the you walk in that thing, that silver? Good. Could you sort of get off the platform and come out in the middle there? >> Great Scott. >> Wonderful. And now the two scientists get on either side of her, please. And sort of crouch down like in great anticipation like she's just about to say her first word. And she opens her mouth. Now, first of all, sort of put your arms out a little bit like you're a real robot kind of thing. And your legs are apart. No, don't do anything with your body. Just straight up [laughter] tall. Straight arms. Straight arms down. Arms straight down. Down. Down. Down. And uh >> don't get >> And your legs apart, but not. And that's it. >> That's it. >> And she speaks. >> Take me to your uni back. [applause] And there's another $20 already panel. Very, very good, Dorothy. And that's once around the panel. Once [music] again, we've overdirected and that means we have no free for all time. We round up a nice total there for Mrs. Char, Mr. Charles Daly of Arunk New York. A total of $85. Congratulations again. [music] Another cartoon in just a moment, but right now, what do you have for us, Tom? Ready >> now. News about outgrow for immediate relief from the tormenting pain of ingrown toenail. >> Ingrown toenail brings pain and danger of infection. Outgrow brings relief and protection. Don't suffer pain or risk infection unnecessarily. Get Outgrow for ingrown toenail with the outgrow way. A few drops relieves pain instantly. Guards against infection. Toughen skin underneath so nail can be cut to restore normal foot comfort. So don't suffer pain and danger of ingrown toenail. Use outgrow. Outgrow for immediate relief and protection. [music] >> How do you like that? We're out of time already. We seem like we just got started. Hate to stop when our panel is just really warming to the task, but there you are. Right now, how about a curtain call for our great stock company, KIDS? [applause] THERE. WONDERFUL. And right now, this is Dick Van Dyke speaking for our stock company and our very talented, very funny, hardworking panel over there. Or Horson and Bean. >> Good night, Dick. Good night, P. [applause] and Dorothy Louden. Next, Mike Nicholls and Elaine May. >> It is an attractive panel. We hope we'll see you all again next week. We'll be back with another laugh line, Living Cartoons, which we hope will entertain you and also put our panel to the test here. And meanwhile, thanks very much for your smiles and your laughter on Laughline Line. Tonight, the laugh line has been brought to you by Andison and Drian. He decongested tablets. [applause] Brings really effective relief from sinus congestion and misery of colds and hay fever. Dristam. [music] Stay tuned to the Tennessee Ernie Ford show following immediately over most of these NBC stations. Laugh Line is a feature of SRO Productions Incorporated. [music] >> [music]