Why We Tell The Truth: No More Squareburgers In Straightalk (1978)

Once there was a strange little place called straight talk. Straight houses on a straight street, straight shoes on straight feet, straight [music] laces and straight faces. And every morning, precisely as predicted, the sun came straight up. [music] You could see the acrobats swinging the straight talkers straight across the straight canyons. The acrobats always promised to show up on time. Acrobats always kept their promises. >> [music] >> All the straight talkers told the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. >> Yep. I sure do deserve this ticket, officer. I was doing at least 10 miles over the speed limit. >> There was only one television program in the land of straight talk. The straight news. >> Hi, I'm Mizzy Mate telling it straight at 8. Today we'll be doing some straight talking with a candidate for president, Honest John Canaby. But first, a message from our sponsor. >> Hi, I'm Nate the Straight here to tell you about Sugar Sugar Pop Puffs in the hard. No other cereal contains less nutrition and more sugar than Sugar Sugar Pop Puffs. So remember moms, sugar popups will give your kids more pimples and more rotten teeth than any other cereal. >> Yuck. I wouldn't touch the stuff. Now, the news. A Straight Talk exclusive interview with honest John Cannib. Tell me, HJK, can you tell the public what makes you the best man for the job? >> Uh, [clears throat] nothing. [snorts] >> Well, what about your experience? >> Experience? Uh, >> nothing. >> What will you do if you're elected? >> Nothing. Vote for honest John Cannaby. I mean, uh, well, uh, I wouldn't, but, uh, you know, >> well, who would, >> right? Excuse me, Mizzy. My acrobat promised to meet me at 8:05. Everyone in straight talk told the truth. Life [music] was very secure until one night. It >> It's a spaceship. Greetings, groundlings. Allow me to introduce myself, the ace from outer space. Some people call me the master of lies, but you can call me the jester. Don't be frightened. I want to be your friend. I know we can all be friends as long as you do exactly as I say. Otherwise, I will blow you all into little bits with my secret weapon. >> What weapon? >> It's secret. So secret that none of you are allowed to see it. I am hiding it inside my spaceship. >> Suffering straight talk. >> From that day on, all the straight talkers talked about was the jester. Whence, in the far reaches of outer space did he spring? What was his wicked weapon? Missy mate, girl reporter, [music] made up her mind to ask him. >> Jester. Hello, Jester. Anybody at home? I guess he forgot to lock his spaceship. >> Holy hexagons. It's empty. There's no secret weapon. The jester wasn't talking straight. He was >> Was what? Nosy news girl. I I don't know. You weren't telling it straight. You were >> telling it crooked. Telling a lie. >> What's a lie? >> A lie makes something out of nothing. And nothing out of something. >> You don't really have a secret weapon. I'm going to tell everybody. And I'm going to tell it straight. Don't try to stop me. >> I wouldn't dream of stopping you. I'll go with you. >> You will? >> But of course, on the way, we can stop for a square burger. >> Everyone in straight talk could get one square burger a day. All they had to say was, "I didn't get any." >> I didn't get any. >> Did not get any. Well, as soon as I finish eating, I'll tell everybody how you >> How would you like another square burger? >> What? Don't be silly. You only get your square burger if you say you didn't get any. >> Then say you didn't get any. >> I can't do that. >> Why? >> Well, >> try. >> Well, >> lie. Say I didn't get any. I didn't get any. >> Did not get any. >> That was easy. >> Easy as pie. Or should I say lie. >> One square burger. I didn't get any. >> Impossible. My computer says that everyone in straight talk got one square burger today. >> Well, I didn't get any. Hey, you've got two square burgers. I I >> lie. >> I don't have two. One, two. I'm going to tell >> him to lie. >> Lie. Lie. What's a lie? >> The easy way. The easy way to get two square burgers just like me is to lie. What? Tomorrow when Square Deal asks if you've had a Square burger, say no. Even if you did, that's a lie. Get it? >> And so the very next day, >> we didn't get any. >> Did not get any. Soon all the straight talkers began to lie. >> I didn't get any. Did not get. Did Did not get. Did did not get. Did Did not get. Did Did not get. Did did not get. >> Once the straight talkers started lying, they just couldn't stop. >> Hi, I'm Missy mate. telling it straight and eight. Well, today we'll be talking once again to honest John Cannaby. But first, a word from our sponsor. >> Hi, I'm Nate the Straight here to tell you about Sugar Sugar Pop Puffs in the new easy new easy to open. No other cereal contains more things in it to give kids healthy clear complexions. Smile Kid and Sugar Sugar Pop Puffs will eliminate all dental problems. Take it away, Missizzy. >> Thanks, Nate, for the word on the great new treat. And now, here is our guest, Honest John Cannaby. >> Vote for Canaby. I'll give you pie in the sky. >> Are you sure you can do all that you promised? >> Of course. Trusting me is like trusting an acrobat. Which reminds me, I promise to meet my acrobat at 9:16. Goodbye, Mizzy. He said 9:16, but he never tells the truth, so I'll wait a while. [music] Pretty soon, things began to change in the land of straight talk. Only one person [music] in straight talk looked happy. It was as if he was beginning to feel at home. >> Why so glum? Ground lace. >> Everything is so crooked. >> You'll feel better when you get your square burgers. >> What? Are you kidding? Square Deal broke down from too many lies. [clears throat] No more square burgers. Oh, we can fix that. >> We can. Easy as pie. All we have to do is make a new square burger machine. A great big one. >> Where would we put it? >> In the canyon, of course. >> The canyon. >> Where are >> I lied? Now you're all trapped. >> Come on, let's get out of here. >> Right. You stand by the wall and I'll climb on your shoulders. >> Right. >> Right. Then I'll climb on your shoulders. >> Right. Then I'll climb on your shoulders. When I get to the top, I'll pull everyone up. >> Right. Hey, wait a minute. Suppose when she gets to the top, she doesn't keep her promise. Suppose she doesn't pull us up. Suppose she just leaves us down here. >> Right. >> Right. As they continued to squabble, the sun set and it [music] got colder and colder. It's all mine now. The land of straight talk belongs to me. [laughter] >> Stop. Don't you see what all this lying is doing to us? The only way we'll get out of here is to tell the truth. >> The truth? Well, okay. But I don't trust him. >> Trust me? You're the one I don't trust. >> We'll take an oath. >> We do hereby promise that from this night forward, we will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. If we always tell the truth, the jester spell will be broken and straight talk will be ours again. >> Now that the straight talkers could trust each other again, Mizzy was able to lead them to safety. After a while, things in straight talk straightened out and the straight [music] talkers went back to telling the truth. >> I didn't get any. Once again, everyone [music] could get their fair share of square burgers except the jester. >> Jester? Oh, jester. >> It's the news girl. >> Nobody is listening to your lies again, Jester. >> So, just get in your spaceship and go home. >> I believe I've outworn my welcome. Hooray for straight talk. [music] [music] [music]