When Your Parent Drinks Too Much (1987)

[Music] Everything looks so nice and normal with our family. We live in a nice house and a nice neighborhood, but that's just what it looks like on the outside. What's going on inside is crazy. Who knows what I'll find when I open up the door. How far gone will my mom be? Will my dad come home tonight? Will there be screaming and fighting in the middle of the night? My father explodes whenever I try to say anything to him. I feel like there's nobody there. Hello, I'm Alan Thick. If you're the child of an alcoholic, you might be feeling pretty lonely right now, like some of the kids you just heard. But you aren't alone. In fact, there are close to 28 million people in this country who have either grown up with or live with an alcoholic parent. About 7 million kids under the age of 18 have fathers and mothers who have serious drinking problems. I've had experiences with friends and family who've had drinking problems, as I'm sure you have. It isn't easy to accept or talk about, but it has to be talked about. Otherwise, you wind up feeling kind of lost and alone. Well, how can you tell that your parent is an alcoholic? It's not easy. Alcoholics or problem drinkers all behave differently. Some drink wine or beer. Others prefer hard liquors like gin or scotch or vodka. There are those who drink themselves into a stouper every night. And others who only drink heavily a few times a month. What someone drinks and how much they drink or how often they drink have nothing to do with whether or not that person is an alcoholic. Does your mom or dad have a drinking problem? Well, practically speaking, if his or her drinking interferes with your family's life, then it is very likely that your parent is suffering from alcoholism. Last year, I went to a different school and my mom wanted me to have a birthday party and invite over some of my new friends. I didn't want to have a party, but she insisted. I had a terrible time. My mom was drunk. She'd been drinking beer all afternoon. It was so obvious. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear. Happy birthday to you. Okay. Oh, honey. I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday. Now, where's the knife? Oh, here it is. You don't mind going to I was so embarrassed. I mean, here I was with these girls I hardly even knew. I just wanted to go somewhere and hide. I know what you mean. My mom did something like that to me, too. It was pretty awful. So did mine. Last summer, we had a barbecue at my house, and I invited all my friends over. We were having a really great time. But my mom was acting kind of strange. What I didn't know was that my mom was downing a scotch every chance she got. She was loaded. [Music] [Applause] What are we eating, Mom? Everyone's starved in just a little while. Oh, you look at you boys. You're getting so big. It's so hard to believe that you're going to be seniors in the fall. Oh, and are you going to be lady killers? So handsome. Oh, you've grown up so fast. That's hard to believe. Can I light the girl for you, Mrs. Walters? Oh, would you be so kind? You know, he's a very nice boy, but not as nice as you. Oh, I'm so glad you're still living at home. Not like your brother. Uh, yeah, sure, Mom. Queens. Oh, sure. here in just a little while. I just have to finish these burgers. Where did I put that ketchup? Mom, are you okay? Oh, uh, yeah. I'll be fine, dear. Um, why don't you go on out and play with your friends? [Music] She actually fell on her face while she was carrying the burgers out to the grill. My dad was supposed to spend the day with my sister and me. We made really big plans. We were really looking forward to it. But when he got home, he was drunk. Come on, kids. Let's go. We're going to miss the first inning. I don't think you should be driving when you're like this. Like what? What are you talking about? Let's go. You two get in the car. Mom, I said get in the car now. Don't tell me what I can or can't do. Ended up pulling off the road and passing out. So, we started walking home. A policeman picked us up and took us to the station where we waited for our mom to come and get us. When dad came home, he was really angry. He started yelling and screaming at us. My mom tried to calm down, but he told her to stay out of it. When he's drinking, he's really mean. I tried talking to mom about it, but she won't listen. Why can't he just stop? An alcoholic can't stop drinking just because you want him to. Alcoholism is a disease that's characterized by a compulsion, an uncontrollable urge to drink. It's a physical addiction that the drinker can't just walk away from. Even so, alcoholics and their families try to run away from the problem unsuccessfully, I might add. That's why alcoholism is called the disease of denial because everyone in the family, especially the alcoholic, clams up about it. Nobody likes to talk about the problem. It's easier to pretend like it just doesn't exist. Alcoholism is also known as the family disease because it causes pain to anyone who has regular close contact with the alcoholic. You can't catch the disease the way you catch a cold from exposure to germs. But you can over time become infected with bad feelings like anger or shame or frustration. You might even have actual physical reactions that make you feel sick, like stomach aches or headaches. Or you might be tired because you've been having nightmares that keep you up at night. All of this occurs as a result of nervous tension and anxiety. Look, it's hard to watch your dad drink beer until he passes out or hear your mom say she's going to get wasted or smashed because she's had a rough day. Once you accept the fact that alcoholism is a disease, you'll begin to feel better. Another thing you can do to help you deal with your feelings when your parent drinks too much is learn the three C's. You didn't cause your parents drinking. You can't control it, and you can't cure it. Planting the three C's in your head will do a lot to ease some of the load you might be carrying around. Hi, Mom. [Music] Mom, you're [Music] [Music] late. I'm sorry. I was just talking with some of the kids. I need you to help around here at night. Your father will be home any minute. Just look at this place. Who do you think I am? The live-in maid. You go off and do your thing after school. Your father never calls and tells me he's working late. I stay home and do the cooking and the cleaning. That's just great. Everybody does exactly as they please around here except me. I won't be late again. I promise. Want me to help you get dinner ready? Don't bother your busy little self. I'll clean it up. Please don't drink anymore tonight. Don't you tell me what to do. I can have a drink now and then if I want one. All you and your father ever do is criticize [Music] me. You always have something to complain [Music] about. Your alcoholic parent might blame you or make you feel responsible in some way for their drinking, but this just isn't true. You didn't cause your parents' drinking problem. Coming home a little late after school or forgetting to mow the lawn or having your mom or dad get angry is not causing them to be alcoholics. Nor is the fight that you had with your little brother or the D you got in math. A disease is not caused by these things. And the more you keep that in mind, especially when the blame might be flying in your direction, the better you're going to feel. Remember, part of the alcoholic's disease is to find someone else to blame for his or her problems. Blaming others is just another way the alcoholic denies that the problem really exists. Now, you may not be the perfect kid of all time. But whatever faults you do have, you did not cause your parents' drinking problem. You can't control it either, as you're about to find out. [Music] I don't know what to do. Your father's usually here before I get home from work. Dinner's getting cold. Can't we just eat without him? I mean, he's always late. Did you call, Uncle John? Maybe dad stopped over there. Oh, that's a good [Applause] idea. Hi, Marie. This is Annie. Is Sam over there by any chance? Uhhuh. I see. We're all fine. Yes. Thanks, Marie. Well, I guess I'll just go ahead and finish putting dinner out. How's it sound? Sounds good to me. I wonder where he could be. He's probably drunk again as usual. Don't let mom hear you talking like that. You'll just upset her. I don't care. Look, kids, I think I'm going to lie down for a while. Dinner's on the table. Just help yourselves, okay? Come on, Tim. Let's [Applause] see. Look at this. Better got more of this stuff hidden all over the place. Going to find every single one. [Music] [Music] What are you doing? You're going to get in trouble. He'll be really mad when he finds out. Come on, Tim. Stop it. You never know the difference. He's always wasting when he gets home anyway. He'll only get more. I'll find it and I'll dump it out again. Maybe then they just give up and stop. Hey, what are you doing? Hey, put that down. When are you going to see what you're doing to us? Sometimes I think having no father at all. It's better than having one like you. You're just a drug and you make me sick. I hate you. Don't you talk to me like that. You hear me? You see, human beings like to control things. It's part of our nature. We like to tell ourselves that we really can make a difference. So, it's extremely frustrating when we can't do anything. The harder you try to control something you have no control over, the more helpless you become. Well, if you put all of your energy and effort into stopping the drinking and it doesn't work, you only end up feeling like a failure. You must learn to accept your lack of control over your drinking parent. Even if you followed them to every bar in town, if you dumped every bottle of beer and vodka and gin and scotch in the world down the drain, you still wouldn't be able to stop them from having a drink if they wanted one. No matter what you do, your drinking parent will find a way to get more alcohol. That's part of the sickness. And that's why you must tell yourself, "My mother or father has a disease and I cannot control it." And just like it's useless to try to control your parents drinking, you must also realize there is nothing you can do to cure the disease. [Music] Where are you going, John? Out. Stay home with me. I hate being alone like this. I really can't, Mom. I have to be somewhere at 8. Well, keep me company for a while. Just till your father gets home. I can't. Look, I asked you to keep me company for just a little while. It's the least you can do. No, I can't. I already told you I have to be somewhere at 8. I'm late as it is. Look, can't you put that stuff away? I wouldn't need this stuff if you and your father spent a little time with me. If you cared about me and dad, you wouldn't drink anymore. You'd throw that stuff away. Even if I spent every night with you, you'd still get trashed. Look, I do not need you to tell me how to live my life. Then go on, leave me alone. You're not alone. You've got your bottle. Get out. Come on. Get out of here. [Music] [Music] Even after you acknowledge that your parent has an illness, you may still think you can make it disappear, but you can't. You can plead, you can beg, you can yell, you can try to shame an alcoholic out of drinking, but it won't work. You must stop believing that you have any power over the disease. An alcoholic cannot and will not stop drinking until he or she wants to stop. So, the sooner that you stop trying to make your alcoholic parent change his or her ways, the more energy you'll have to do the things that really can make a positive difference in your life. Learning the three C's, that alcoholism isn't anything you can cause, nothing you control, nothing you can cure, is an important first step. It means you stop blaming yourself when your parent drinks too much. But you must also take the second step. You must learn to detach yourself from the disease and stop blaming your parent for something they have no control over either. I was in my room one night and my dad came home stinking drunk. I heard my mom trying to talk to him and then the sound of glass breaking. They started screaming at each other. I heard my sister crying and all I could think about was how much I hated him and how much we'd be better off if he just go away and leave us all alone. Living with an alcoholic can make you angry. It can make you blame the drinker for everything that's wrong with your life. Well, blaming someone assumes that he or she is at fault. But alcoholism has nothing to do with being at fault. Alcoholics do not drink because they're bad people. They drink because they have a disease that causes an uncontrollable craving for alcohol. After my birthday party, I had a huge fight with my mom. I told her that if she didn't stop drinking, I'd run away. I told her that she made a fool out of herself and she made me sick. I didn't care anymore. I just wanted to hurt her like she hurt me. I want to do the same thing to my dad. I want to hurt him just like he hurt my mom and me. Letting go of the need to hurt your drinking parent every time they hurt you is another way of detaching yourself from the disease. It can be difficult, especially when your mom or dad starts calling you names or says things that make you feel really bad inside. You might think that if you strike back at the drinker and hurt them as much as they hurt you, they'll see what they're doing to you and stop. Well, the disease doesn't work that way. Scolding and punishing and threatening or humiliating the alcoholic will only make things worse. The alcoholic's already punishing himself. The last thing he or she needs is a reminder of how badly they're behaving. The alcoholic carries around plenty of guilt and unhappiness. And striking out at your drinking parent won't force them to get help. In fact, it can even make things worse. Because when you behave badly, you only succeed in giving the alcoholic more excuses to drink, more reasons to blame you for their problem. One time before I had my license, my mom was driving my friends and me home from a movie. She was smashed. I knew it, but I was hoping that they wouldn't notice. She was all over the road. Finally, one of my friends asked her to pull over the side of the road, and she did. They all got out. I wished I was a million miles away. I was so ashamed that she was my mother. Feelings of shame and embarrassment are not uncommon when you live with an alcoholic parent. And no piece of advice can turn a humiliating experience into a pleasant one. You want to feel proud of your parents. You want to be able to look up to them. And it hurts when all you want to do is hide your mom and dad from other people. It hurts even more when the alcoholic does something that makes you want to crawl under a rock, but you can pull yourself back from those humiliating moments. Again, the key here is to separate your parent, the person you love, from the disease. Although your parents behavior when he or she is drinking makes you feel uncomfortable, there's no reason to feel shame. We're not talking about a moral issue here. You shouldn't think of your mother as a lush and don't think of your dad as a disgusting drunk. Once I came home from school and I found my mom passed out on the porch. She had gotten sick all over herself. I cleaned her up and dragged her inside. Someday she might get hurt really badly. It really scares me. I feel so helpless. I keep wondering what's going to happen to her when I'm not around. Letting go might be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. After all, who wants to see their mom or dad in pain if they can avoid it? When the alcoholic falls, you pick her up. When he messes up, you clean up after him. There's almost no limit to the actions you can take to save the alcoholic. Well, as coldhearted as this may sound, as hard as it might seem to do, you must learn to let your drinking parent face the problem alone. Letting go, detaching yourself from the disease means that you don't have to sit up half the night talking to your drinking parent because she's lonely. It means you don't feed or bathe them trying to sober him up. It means you don't carry her to bed if she passes out at the bottom of the stairs. Letting go means that you stop rescuing the alcoholic and let them face the consequences of their drinking alone. A word of warning, your drinking parent liked it much better and their lives were much easier when you took care of everything for them. So be prepared for yelling and tears and self-pity, the silent treatment and other negative kinds of behavior when you finally let go. Your alcoholic parent wants you to give in and start rescuing again. But rescuing only helps alcoholics hide from themselves, and it prevents them from getting help sooner. One time my dad came home drunk and he tripped and fell and he broke this glass bowl that was really special to mom. She started screaming at him and they got in this big fight. My brother locked himself in his room, but I stayed and I picked up all the pieces. I even tried to glue him back together, but it didn't look the same. My mom didn't even notice. I wish there was something I could do to make her happy. You can't rescue your sober parent either. doing more household chores, working harder in school, looking after your little brothers and sisters. They'll all make your non-drinking parent feel better maybe. And these are all very positive actions, but you have to be careful about trying to fix things. Making your sober parent happy won't make the problem of living with an alcoholic parent go away. A lot of times it'll seem like both of your parents aren't there for you. But you have to remember that your non-drinking parent feels just as badly as you do and he or she might be trying really hard to stop the drinking instead of spending time with you. That doesn't mean your sober parent has stopped caring about you or loves you any less. Living with an alcoholic parent is hard for everyone in a family. Try to keep that in mind. Keep in mind that your sober parent, your brothers and your sisters, you're all in the same boat. You can help each other by letting go of the silence and talking about the problem instead of pretending it doesn't exist. I don't know how to deal with my mom. I wish there was some way that I could reach her and tell her to stop without fighting. I don't know if talking to my mom would do any good. It doesn't get you anywhere. There must be some way you can let them know how you feel. Trying not to hate him is the hardest thing of all. Are there any healthy ways of communicating with the alcoholic? The answer is yes. There's nothing wrong with letting your mom or dad know that you're worried about their drinking and that it's creating problems for you. But you should keep two important things in mind when you do talk. Avoid confronting the alcoholic when he or she has been drinking. And use words of love and support instead of tears, anger, or guilt trips. Let the alcoholic know that you really care about them. Tell them that you love them and you want them to stop drinking. Your emotional support can be very important in motivating them to seek help. But remember, the decision to stop drinking is theirs. You probably have many more questions that still need answers. Well, guidance counselors, social workers, and other trained professionals can help you find those answers. So, don't be afraid to ask. You may want to join a group like Alatine where you can meet and talk with other kids who are going through the same things you're going through. You know, it can take years for some alcoholics to even admit there's a problem and then get help. Some never do. And that's something you might have to learn to accept, too. But life can be better for you if you share your burden. Life can be better starting right now. You see, the tools are yours. Just pick them up and put them to work. And as you do, remember there are millions of other kids who are at least in spirit working right alongside of you. And I wish you well. [Music]