Wayne and Shuster

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Ladies and gentlemen, October the 31st is just around the corner and we thought that we might do something for this very special holiday tonight. Yes, so let's start off with a little Halloween music. Play Sam. Music. That's sick enough, yeah. Yeah, a little Halloween lighting, please. Back to a low-budget production. Yeah. And now, is there anything missing? Oh, the sponsor's here. Yeah, good. I think we're ready to go. Halloween is coming soon, October the 31st. Of all the awful nights there are, that one IS THE WORST. YOU'LL SEE OLD HAGS and witches, most horrible you ever saw. And you will scream with fear and fright when you meet my mother-in-law. There she is. I love those women drivers, don't you? When do all the witches fly? on their brooms across the sky and the ghosts come out and cry. Halloween night, when do all the spirits wait to come out and celebrate and your hair do stands up straight. Halloween night. Oh, what gruesome creatures fly around from night till morn. I made it. If you ever see them, you will curse the day that you were born cuz they look worse than person horns. When ghostly spirits rise up and down the countryside, EVEN BORIS KARLOFF HIDES. HALLOWEEN NIGHT. That's the night the ghostly specter starts to thrive. You are well advised to lock your doors from midnight right to five and if they stop you, drop alive. Oh, I don't believe this. That's the only way to travel, you know. To the night we fear the most. When we go from ghost to ghost, what a horrible night, what a terrible fright. What a horrible sight. What a terrible fright. What a pitiful plight. On Halloween night. Ladies and gentlemen, Danny Vaughn. The more I read the papers, the more I comprehend the world and all its capers, and where it all will end. Nothing seems to be lasting, but that isn't our affair. We've got something permanent, I mean in the way we care. It's very clear, our love is here to stay. Not for a year, but ever and a day. The radio and the telephone, and the movies that we know may just be passing fancies that in time may go. But oh my dear our love is here to stay. Together we'll go a long long way. In time the Rockies may crumble to boulder may tumble. They're only made of clay. But it's very clear so have no fear. Our love is here to stay. And I want to tell you I love that song and to show you how much I love that song, look at this. See this? There you are. Oh no, Johnny. That's my membership in the Fats Domino Fan Club. There it goes. Hey, I thought I'd bring Joni in, you know. Joni, you're so sweet. I love her song. Wonderful. I'll Joni, I want to show you how much I loved it. Look, my membership in the Patti Page Fan Club. There it goes. I'm yours. Kiss me, you fool. Perhaps they'd like to sing a duet. Yeah, how about a duet, eh? Would you like to do that, kid? Go ahead, you can do a duet. Hey John, hey John, how about that first part, you know, me, the Lord Jesse James? Didn't you think I was pretty good? Frank, please, Frank. There, I'll From a fan club? Yes, sir. Jack Benny's fan club? No. Red Skelton? No. Bob Hope? No. George Gobel? No. Well, whose fan club? Orval Faubus. Oh, come on. What The night was mighty dark, so you could hardly see, for the moon refused to shine. Couple sitting underneath the willow tree for love. They pine. Little maid was kind afraid of darkness, so she said, "I'd better go." Boy began to sigh. Looked up at the sky. Told the moon his little tale of woe. Shine on, shine on harvest moon up in the sky. I had no love intentions today and you Everywhere in June or July. No time, ain't no time to stay. So shine on, shine on Carolina moon, keep shining, shining on the one who waits for me. Carolina moon, I'm pining, pining for the place I long to be. Oh, I'm hoping you will shine on. Shine on harvest moon up in the sky. I ain't had no love since genuine genuine the ginger July. Snowtime ain't no time to stay outdoors and spoon. So, shine on, shine on, harvest moon for me and my gal. That's it. A new way to wave. New wave Tony with the first even waving lotion and the first double easy applicator. Look. There's a sponge top as wide as a curl. One stroke spreads lotion evenly without combing or dripping. To neutralize, sponge comes off. See? Eight spray tips. They neutralize inside the curl where your hands can't reach. Neutralize so thoroughly, you can't overwave or underwave. Simple? Sensible. Sensational! Because you can't mess or miss, you get an even wave like this. And you save, too. New even waving Tony and Tony's double easy applicator, a $3 value, special only $2.29. Ladies and gentlemen, a few weeks ago the universities across Canada opened their doors for another fall season. Now, as you know, these schools and colleges prepare people for the profession of law, medicine, science, and education. But, few people realize that there actually is a university which prepares people for the profession of crime. I refer, of course, to the alma mater of the underworld, Criminal Tech. Criminal Tech teaches the three R's: racketeering, rum running, and robbery. This is the campus of Criminal Tech, the most famous college of crime in the world. It is the first day of the fall term, and students are hurrying eagerly to class in their stolen cars. Here is the men's dormitory, where the out-of-town students stay. It's built just like a jail to make them feel at home. And here is the student cafeteria, the old tuck shop, where the students gather. Now, let's look into a classroom. Here we have the Dean of Criminal Tech, Professor Fingershuster, grand old man of the underworld. Hello, Dean of Crime. What's that? Yeah, the fall term starts today. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry, lady. We can't accept your boy. He ain't got the proper entrance requirements. He needs 4 years of reform school. Tell him to try McGill. Drop dead yourself. Come in. Well, well, well, if it ain't the Dean of Broads. What's up, Deanzie? There's some new kid outside. Says he wants to enroll as a freshman. Okay, show him in. I'll see you later in the faculty room. I'll bring the car. Good girl. Okay, Sonny. This way. Thank you, sir. Excuse me, I'm looking for the Dean of Crime. I'm the Dean. Oh, I would like to enroll in your school. All right, sit down. I always wanted to be a student in Criminal Tech. All right, what's your name? Babyface Wayne. Babyface Not Scarface Wayne's boy? Yes, sir. Dad graduated from here in '28. BA, Bachelor of Arson. Yeah. He got the Mickey McDonald scholarship, too. Four years of post-graduate study at Don Jail. Yeah, so you're Scarface Wayne's a little boy. Well, well, well, it's a small underworld. I ain't seen your dad in 20 years. What's he doing? 20 years? I knew he'd make good. Yeah. So you're Scarface Wayne's little boy. Yeah, I knew your dad well. He was probably the lowest, meanest, no-good little rat I ever had in the whole classroom. See, if Dad could hear you say that, he'd be so proud. And you want to follow in your father's fingerprints. Yes, sir. When four of cops took Dad away, he said, "Son, don't miss out on your education. Go to Criminal Tech and study at the feet of the old master, Dean Schuster, THE DIRTIEST CROOK IN THE WORLD." Your dad said that about me? Yes, sir. That's what makes it worthwhile being a teacher. It ain't the money. Just the satisfaction in knowing you took some juvenile delinquent and turned them into an enemy OF SOCIETY. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, KNOCK IT OFF. Kids always fooling around at recess. Well, what do you say? Can Can Can I join the school, sir? Okay, son. Welcome to Criminal Tech. You mean You're in. It's a dream. It's a dream. I'm in Criminal Tech. It's a dream. I I'm going to pinch myself and wake up in Upper Canada College. It's not a dream, Baby Face, but remember you're following in the footsteps of some of the toughest criminals in the world. I know, sir. Look, the names are carved on the desks. Look at them. Gee, Al Capone, sir. John Dillinger. Willie the Actor Sutton. Adolf Hitler? Gee, Mr. Big himself. He was an exchange student. I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy, sir. There is your desk, Baby Face. My desk? It's your own desk. Here's your curriculum, the timetable for lectures, and here's a list of books you'll need. Yeah. You can steal them from Eaton's. Gee, if the kids in the pool room could only see me now. Wonderful thing, eh? What's that? It's the school BELL. THE CLASS MEETING OH. ALL RIGHT, DUMMY UP. DUMMY UP. FIRST OF ALL, I want to welcome you all back to THE BLACKBOARD JUNGLE. NOW, I KNOW YOU ALL HAD A GOOD summer after following THE POLICE CALL. ALL RIGHT, KNOCK IT OFF. RIGHT NOW, I'D LIKE you to meet a new kid. He's going to be with us this year, Baby Face Wayne. THERE HE IS NOW. ALL RIGHT, BABY FACE. OH, HE LIKES ME. HEY, LET'S MAKE THE NEW KID FEEL AT HOME, HUH? LET'S SING THE NEW SCHOOL SONG. THE OLD SCHOOL CAN I CAN I CAN I LEAD IT? CAN I LEAD THE SCHOOL SONG? YOU WANT TO DO IT, KID? IT'S YOUR SONG. TAKE YOUR PLACE. OKAY. THE SCHOOL SONG. Take your hats off and face Kingston. Okay, Miss Plumtree. We'll raise your glasses and salute our alma mater. Alma mater. Beautiful. Raise your glasses, every loyal son and daughter. Son and daughter. Let us drink a toast unto these hallowed halls Hallowed halls. and these lovely poison ivy covered walls. Ivy walls. Let's go gang, LET'S START SINGING. HOORAY FOR Criminal Tech the gangster's university. You taught us how to rob a bank and how to pull a job. You taught US HOW TO CRACK A SAFE AND ORGANIZE A MOB. HOORAY for Criminal Tech your loyal sons are we. Every single chapter would gladly TAKE THE RAP CRIMINAL TECH HOORAY. HOORAY FOR CRIMINAL TECH the gangster's university. Your graduates are brilliant men and they know all the tricks. HALF OF THEM WIND UP IN JAIL, THE REST IN POLITICS. HOORAY FOR CRIMINAL TECH YOUR LOYAL SONS ARE WE. We'll gladly wear a smile as we walk that final CRIMINAL TECH CRIMINAL TECH CRIMINAL TECH HOORAY. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, AN ANNOUNCEMENT. ALL you kids can have the rest of the afternoon off. It's a school holiday. SAL MINEO'S BIRTHDAY. BUT DON'T FORGET TONIGHT WE GOT THE class at midnight in practical safe cracking. DON'T HEY DEAN, WHERE'S THE CLASS? Second National Bank down the street. WE'RE ROBBING A REAL BANK? WELL, OF COURSE. LEARN BY DOING, THAT'S OUR MOTTO. I remember class. Don't forget the loose-leaf notebooks, the pencils, and the getaway cars. We meet at midnight. Now, don't be late. I'm taking attendance. CLASS DISMISSED. ALL RIGHT. HEY DEAN, HEY WHAT TIME IS IT NOW, DEAN? WELL, I don't know. Well, don't you carry a watch? Around here? You crazy? Oh, yeah. Come on, everybody. Let's All right. Pay attention to class right now. I'm going to read the roll, okay? Peanuts? YEAH. MUNCHY? HERE. LOUIS? BABY FACE? OKAY, Harry and Joey are in the car and Sam is acting as a lookout. The whole class is here. Hey Dean. Yeah. For me? Yeah. Thanks, Dean. Okay. All right, everybody take your seats. We're going to start We're going to start the class now. Everybody Okay, I want you all to take notes because at the end of the term we're going to have an examination in the Bank OF MONTREAL. OH, BOY. OKAY, READY? NOW, FIRST OF ALL, THIS IS A BANK. YES, DEAN. WRITE IT DOWN. Write it down. Okay, now. What is the first step in CRACKING A SAFE? BABY FACE, THE first step, Dillinger, on safe cracking. First of all, you got to hit the night watchman right over the beezer. Correct. Okay, here comes the night watchman now. Can I hit him? Yeah, you can hit him. Okay. Okay. How was that? B minus. B minus? You had to hit him twice. I'll study. All right, now class follow me. Okay. All right, gentlemen, take your seats over there. the school days. Shut up with the school days. We're robbing a bank. All right, this is a safe. Safe. Write it down. Okay, now who pulled the last job? I did. Okay, it's Louie's turn. You do it tonight. Okay, get the blowtorch. OKAY, I'LL TURN THE LIGHTS ON. WE'LL HAVE MORE LIGHT. OKAY, THERE YOU ARE. HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET OUT OF HERE. I'M ONLY TRYING TO HELP. SIT DOWN OVER THERE. WHAT'S THE MATTER? You could get a detention for that. All right, I'm marking you down. Be careful. All right, let's go. Give me a match, somebody. Go on. Keep working. KEEP WORKING. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT SAYS IN CASE OF BURGLARY, PULL ALARM. AH, CLASS IS DISMISSED. EVERYBODY OUT. EVERYBODY OUT. Everybody out. All right, DON'T NOBODY MOVE. WE'VE GOT YOU COVERED. NICE WORK, SERGEANT. YOU GOT HERE IN TIME. OH, WELL, thank you, Inspector Wayne. Quite all right. Fine, thank you. Inspector Wayne, what goes on here? I might as well reveal my true identity. I am not Baby Face Schuster. I Baby Face Wayne. I thought I was Schuster. I'm so confused. I'M NOT BABY FACE WAYNE. I AM INSPECTOR DAN WAYNE OF THE RCMP. HE'S A COPPER. A DIRTY ROTTEN COPPER. WHAT'S THE MATTER? You never seen a Mountie before? ARREST HIM. YOU'RE SCARFACE WAYNE'S LITTLE BOY. WELL, YOUR MOTHER'S A FORGER, your brother's a pickpocket, your sister's a jewel thief, and you are a Mountie? I'm the white sheep of the family. Take him away, sergeant. And Dean Schuster, criminal tech is through. All right, Dan, you've won this round. But, remember You can tear down Criminal Tech. You can destroy it completely. But, remember there's a spirit among Disciples people that will never be extinguished. You can burn our books. You can confiscate our blackjacks, send our teachers to the prison farms. But, from the ashes, from the ashes will rise a new group of crooks WHO'LL FIGHT FOR WHAT IS WRONG AND THE DIRTY WAY OF LIFE GOODBYE YOU DIRTY ROTTEN stool pigeon. Goodbye, Mr. Chips. Crystal clear. Yes, the difference in new White Rain is clear. The first and only crystal clear liquid shampoo. That's why new crystal clear White Rain rinses twice as clean as any other leading shampoo. Leaves your hair crystal clean, bright, sparkling like a crisp clear day. Yes, the difference in White Rain is clear. It's new, pure, no artificial coloring, no thick hard-to-rinse oils, yet so rich, sparkling with millions of tiny crystal bright bubbles. No wonder it rinses twice as clean. Leaves hair crystal bright, as fresh and clean as a snow-covered mountain slope, soft, silky, easy to manage. Get new crystal clear White Rain. The difference is clear. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. WE'LL BE BACK IN about a month. Consult your newspapers as to the exact time. We'll be back in a month another hour show and with us will be Miss Oh, sorry. Danny Danny Vaughn. Danny Vaughn. I was going to say Danny Kaye. Sorry. Miss Miss Joan Fairfax. AND DON GALLI CURCI. HOPEFULLY WE'LL BE BACK IN AND DON'T FORGET OUR SPONSORS. First of all, this way. Follow me. Our sponsors ALL NEW BLUE Cheer As in And of course the CBC and its affiliated stations. Naturally. And crystal clear white rain by Toni. And don't forget we'll be back in a little around the month and until then remember Remember. We hope that you'll be a booster for Wayne and Shuster twice a month when when we drop in to call. Doing it on the off beat. And now the time is a-fleeting and so until our very next meeting. Once a month. But we said twice a month. GOOD NIGHT ALL. SEE you next WEEK. WE GOT A HALF HOUR SHOW IN HONOLULU. OH.