The Secret Weapon of Joe Smith

Despite the atomic bomb and a series of wars, large and small, the United Nations still remains the 20th century's answer to those who question man's progress toward civilization. Inside this striking new building, delegates from all over the globe convene and work incessantly in the cause of world peace. Reporting on their daily progress is the responsibility of newspaper men and journalists from the four corners of the earth. My name is Joe Smith. I'm an infinite decimal part of the pen and typewriter corps. My specific assignment to cover the activities of the various subcommittees of the UN. I've never had the wanderust so I like the job especially since I live just around the corner in a brownstone house with my wife and two kids. And what makes it doubly interesting is that this man rents the top floor of my house. His name is Vladimir Portoenko and he's a delegate from the USSR. Every day at the same time Portoenko went home. I left at the same time, but we never went home together. In fact, I rarely saw the man at all except in the UN buildings. [Music] Mr. Porter Jacob. What do you want? I thought we might walk home together. Why? Why? Well, we're both going to the same place, so it'll be nice if we went [Music] together. I mean, uh, we ought to get to know each other, Mr. Portoenko. After all, we've been living in the same house for almost 6 months. Uh, we're total strangers, you know. Am I not a satisfactory tenant, Mr. Smith? Oh, sure. Sure. And is there a law in this country that a tenant must walk home with his capitalistic landlord? I was just trying to be friendly at home. There is no law. Then Portenko walks alone. [Music] A million delegates in New York and you have to rent to a bear that talks like a man. I was curious. Well, now you know. You can ask him to leave. Franklin Louise, come here and help me set the table. I mean it, Joe. Let him find someplace else. I don't know him, honey. He's had that iron curtain pull down between us. Secretary of State can't get through it. What makes you think you can? I'm not trying to solve the world's problems, honey. I just want to find out what makes a real honest to gosh Russian think like he does. That's all. I take nasty pills every morning. There's no square like Ukrainian square. I think they eat their young. Oh, cut it out, will you? Why does he deserve any consideration? Living in the same house with you, working where you work, never leaving with you or coming home with you, never saying hello or goodbye or good morning or anything. He talks us on the phone. Mom, that's another thing. I offered him the use of our phone, but no, he had to put in a phone of his own so he could call us up and ball us out. Here is Portoinko. You are playing too loud to tell her set. Slam. Here is Portoinko. The apartment is too hot. The apartment is too cold. The children are making too much noise. All right. All right. So, he hasn't called in a week. Let's have some dinner and forget about it for a while, huh? Uhoh. Here is Portoenko. Hello. Here is Portenko. I have observed a rat in the bathroom. What's the matter? Don't the walls reach the ceiling? Then has the exterminator been in lately? Mice again? Since a rat in the mirror? Tell him the man was here yesterday and the day before and last week. Mr. Portoenko, my wife says the exterminator has been in for to pet the rat on the head. Nice rat. I come to see you again sometime. In my country, we have exterminated all the rats. You sure? This is the trouble with you capitalists. You are unable to cope with the small problems of life. How do you expect to cope with the big ones? You will call back the exterminator, this miserable wage slave, and you will tell him to see Portenko. Portenko will explain him how in the People's Republic will take care of the rats. Hang up on him, Joe. Why don't we get the exterminator for him, Pop? Okay, Mr. Portoenko, you're absolutely right. Sure. First thing in the morning. Okay. Oh, Mr. Portoenko, by the way, what are you doing for dinner tonight? I'm doing what I always do, eating it. Spoy. Well, it's a good thing or I would have had my dinner at the hamburger stand. I get through to him yet. I'll get through to him if it takes all year. For the next 6 weeks, I tried every way I could think of to break through Vladimir Portoenko's private iron curtain, and I was getting no place slowly. I ran into a resistance that made the siege of Stalenrad look like a Coney Island clam bake. [Music] Portoenko began a counterattack, outguing me at every turn. TV readers digest. Not a ball game. Funny, isn't it? How would you know? I mean, about Portoenko. I'm laughing myself sick. Not funny. Haha. Funny. Peculiar. Hasn't been a complaint out of him the whole week. Bite your tongue. Can't I put on the ball game? Don't you dare. Forget about him, Joe, and watch the show. It's good. I think he must sense that you don't like him. I'll give it to him in writing. Maybe that's the trouble. What's the trouble? If we were all a little kinder to a man in a strange country. Oh, now Joe, honestly, I'll get you a drum and a tambourine. No, I mean it. Just one inning. Let me put it on for just one inning. Louise, somebody at the door. Mom, a half an inning. Pop. Just let me find out what the score is. Mr. Portoenko is here with the policeman. Well, now what's this all about? What's the trouble? I'm sorry, Mr. Smith. It's going. It's gone. Shut that off. A home run for Duke Snder. His 16th. What's the matter, Mike? Well, this fell called the station house with a complaint. Complaint? Complaint about what? I have called the law. Let the law speak. He says somebody broke into his room. He says he thinks it's somebody in this house. Well, now that's just plain. That's not true. That's the end. Now I've heard everything. Wait a minute, man. Look, did either one of you two I mean is a prank? We wouldn't know anybody's near his room. I know you folks and it doesn't seem like you do a thing like this. The lieutenant said I was just to warn you. He didn't say anything was taken that. Oh, I don't know. I swear I don't know. Ask me. I'll tell you. I'll tell you all about him. Man, please. Who'd want to break into his old room anyway? Yeah, it's probably full of dirty socks and shirts. Franklin Mike, you don't think that. No, but we had to pay some attention to that character because he's well, you know, because he's who he is. You understand? Sure. Sure. Just forget the whole thing, huh? I've forgotten about it already. That's the way. Well, I'll be seeing you. Mike. Yeah. Would you like a cup of coffee or something? Some other time. Thanks, Mr. Smith. Are you going to take this lion down? Pop. The nerve of that man. The pure unmititigated gull. You've got to get that man out of this house this minute. Come on, Pop. Let's go tell him right now. Frank and me will go with you for moral support. Huh, Frank? Sure. We're not afraid. Well, I think you two ought to go to bed. Go on now. It's It's late. Mom, this is the moment of decision. What do you say, Pop? I say go to bed right now. Whatever you do, Pop, don't chicken out. Mom, you'll never get anywhere with him in a cold war. Turn on the heat. Joe, now you listen to me. Where are you going? I'm going for a walk. I want to think. [Music] Joe, I've got half a mine to go up there and tell him myself. Mom, let Pop handle it. Huh? But he I heard you say once that one of the reasons you like Pop was that he wore the pants in the family. I understand that it's impossible for you to be friendly to me for official reasons. I even understand that you've got to take certain steps or you think you've got to take certain steps to prove that you dislike me and my family. Prove it not to us but to your people back home. My warning here. You here? No more police. You here? No more shenanigans. You understand? Like poety ah reactionary you vague slave I'm not asking you to like me but if you go out of your way to make trouble I'll you will what I'll destroy you I can do it too with words with 10 small words I'll destroy you I'm going to use two of them tonight in mllum read mllum tonight Mr. Portoenko Raider. [Music] Today's special United Nations Committee meeting to discuss the Tinderbox issue of the Middle East was presided over by pleasant friendly Vladimir Portichenko. Pleasant friendly. Pleasant friendly. If that's your idea being funny, Joe, I don't get it. You don't have to, dear. So long as he does. Uh-oh. Right on [Applause] schedule. Hello. Here is Portenko. I have read your filthy line story and I'm forbidding you ever to write my name again. [Music] Portoenko. Touche. Joe, just what do you expect to accomplish? I'm going to make him say uncle, and I mean [Music] Sam. Because of the constructive and cooperative suggestion of Lagim Proenko, the UN committee trying to solve the Middle Eastern problem has a splendid chance of achieving success. Construction cooperative. Good afternoon, Mr. Portoenko. Mr. Smith, I forbid you. Forbidden. I implore you. Oh, wow. That's a little better. Right. If you must about the committee on Middle Eastern affairs, but my name, please, you will not mention it again. Baja. But you're a very important man, Mr. Portoenko. represent one of the world's greatest powers. Great power. My country is that. But Portenko, he must not be made too important. You know the reason why. I know. My name must not appear in the capitalistic in the in the so-called free American press this way. Promise me. Because the so-called free American press, Mr. Portoenko, is free. You've no right to exact that promise. I'll see you around. [Music] To my great surprise, my threat to destroy Vladimir Portoenko with words turned out to be more than just an idol boast. Every time I mentioned his name in a complimentary way, it made him more and more upset and I realized my hunch was correct. The man was a product of his conditioning and environment and as a result he was completely fearridden. I was encouraged. I decided to go a step further and prove the truth of that old broomemide. A pen is mightier than a sword. It is interesting to note that UN delegate Vladimir Portichenko prefers the New York Times to Pravda for his daily reading. [Music] [Music] I found out that I virtually had Portoenko in the palm of my hand. All I had to do was hint in my column that he was interested in the American scene and whatever I wrote came to life. I said he was getting interested in baseball. And on weekends, he headed for the polar grounds or the stadium like a kid with a free pass. I mentioned that he was going to make it a point to see the Army Day parade. And there he was, unconsciously tipping his hat as the American flag went by. A few well-chosen words on his interest in American history, and he was off and running, digging back to the days before the revolution. was a lot more than I expected. I can tell [Music] you once we'd learned the secret of penetrating Portoenko's private iron curtain, life for the Smith family returned to normal. Louise became really fond of Vladimir. So fond she refused to take the 50 cents due for her Girl Scout cookies. Take the money. Don't be foolish, child. Take it. Uh-uh. It's my contribution to better international relations. Oh, then you must allow me to return the favor. Yuchka. For you, my little friend. Oh, Frank, look. Isn't it sensational? That's something. And for you, Master Franklin, I have also something. Hey, dig me. [Music] Fine. And we used to call you a Ukrainian square. What is this Ukrainian square? Something like Time Square. It means we thought you were, you know, a a square, not he. You didn't understand. But now now I'm beginning to understand. Dig. You dig? Hey, we're going to be late for school. Bye, Mr. Pichchenko. [Music] [Applause] I dig. That day, a funny thing happened. I walked to the UN with Portoenko. I said I'd see him after the session was over, and I went into the press section, but he never showed up at his seat. He didn't show up all day. You sure Portoenko didn't come back here? But he hasn't come in all day. Well, I'm sure, dear. What are you worried about? He's perfectly capable of taking care of himself. Yeah, I suppose so. But he's never missed a day at the UN. Not since he arrived here a year ago. You sure he isn't upstairs? He didn't come in the back way. Well, I'm not positive. I'll go see. How do you like it? Oh, isn't it just sensational? Wasn't it nice of him? You don't have to walk out on me. Oh, I'm sorry, old girl. I was just going upstairs to see if Mr. Portoenko was in. Oh, I'll go. I want to show him the dress. Let me know. Huh? [Music] Mom, Pop, come here quick. Louise, you all right? Holy cow. What happened? I don't know. Nobody answered, so I came in and somebody robbed him. Looks just like in the movies. What are you going to do? I'm going to call the police. Oh, no. Don't do that. Hang up, honey. What? Hang up. I I don't think it's robbery. I think it's all just caught up with him. What? For heaven's sakes, his new attitude toward us, toward the country. They just didn't go for it. Now, how would they know? Well, they know. They've got watchd dogs watching every Iron Curtain delegate from Monotov on down, night and day. Then they got watchdog watching watchdogs. Pop, you think they'd hurt him? No, they just wrap him in cement and toss him in the East River. That's all. No. No, they wouldn't. They wouldn't do anything like that, Pop. Oh, he's probably okay. Don't worry. What in the world could have happened to him? Well, I just can't stay up any longer. I'm going to bed. Wake me if you hear anything. Why don't you call the police? Maybe a second story man broke in. But then if I don't find anything missing, huh? I mean, I might be opening a whole can of beans here, bringing up this political angle. Could lead to an international situation, starting a thermonuclear war. How do I know? Well, war or no war? I'm going to call the police. Don't call the police. Vladimir, where have you been? Are you all right? I am all right. You should not have stayed up. How did you get in? I climbed the fence in the backyard. I hope I did not frighten you. Why didn't you come in the front door? I wish to avoid someone. What? At this time of night? What's going on? Somebody's messed up your room. Broke in and tore it all apart. I know. Have you any idea who it could have been? Please, have you got a brandy? Yes. I missed you at the UN session today. I wasn't there. Look, Vladimir, how about leveling with us? Are you in trouble with your government? That and the job upstairs was My country has experts for this kind of thing. Two men followed me all day. All day they have been at my heels, every minute, watching me, trapping me like I was a criminal. Oh, thank you. [Music] Good. Of course, I will be leaving New York now. What do you mean? Where are you going? It is not where I'm going. It is where they will send me. Quit. It would not be of any use trying to Ray either. They would find me. How do you feel about going back, Vladimir? I mean, aside from this trouble, maybe when you got back there, you could explain [Music] it. Uh, here is my home. This I know now. For a long time, I have suspected it, but now I know. A month, maybe 6 weeks after I arrived in this country, I listened to a man make a speech. what this country means to him. It was I said to myself, "Ah, these words I must remember." But the speech was long and I could not remember. I was unhappy. But now all of a sudden I feel I do not need a whole lot of words to say how I feel about America. Just a few words express everything I feel. I love this country. [Music] So this is the way I feel but what I will do this is another matter. Tomorrow morning I will report to my superior and by tomorrow night my friends I will be on the high seas. [Music] Joe, you've simply got to do something. But what can I do? I'm only a reporter. working for a free press and a free country. Write about it if you can't do anything else. Stir up some action. Please, Mr. Smith. I do not wish to be a burden to you to trouble you. But if you if I could just get to the right people, maybe I can arrange for political asylum. But who do I know? What about Joe Sidell with the FBI? Not Joe. He's got a brother-in-law in the State Department name of Charlie Welch. I've met him a few times. Hello. Long distance. I'd like to get a hold of a man named Charles L. Welch in Washington, DC. He's here. We thought you'd gone back to Russia. He's not going back. No kidding. I hope. Yes. National 63742 or would you please put the call through for me? When you write this story for your newspaper, Mr. Smith, please say this way. Pleasant, cooperative, friendly, grateful. Vladimir Portichenko will be proud to become a citizen of the United States of America. Be sure and watch for your favorite Readers Digest story vividly brought to life on TV Readers Digest direct from the pages of the magazine read by over 40 million people throughout the world. Stories created and approved by families [Music] everywhere. [Music] Heat. Heat. [Music] [Music] [Music]