The Feeling Of Rejection

e this is Margaret 23 years old old unmarried the older of two children of an average family to outward appearances a quiet competent girl but still she is not well she is troubled by headaches stomach upsets dizzy spells she tires easily these are not uncommon complaints but most thorough examination has shown no physical reasons for them such as tumors anemia or infections because of the possibility of emotional causes she has been referred to a psychiatrist but I do have these awful headaches I don't just imagine them of course you don't tell me about your most recent one it was only last night I left the office at about the usual time there was a good move movie on and I decided I'd see it after [Music] supper hello Daddy oh Margaret you back h mark hello Jenny how's my handsome daddy tonight I'll go on let me read my paper now Viginia I don't want you sitting on the arms of chairs oh mother I won't hurt the old chair oh she's all right William have you fixed the furnace why do I have to remind you of everything Margaret you look tired I'm all right mother well come to supper all of you [Applause] girls I'm not feeling very well will you do the dishes and finish the ironing oh Mommy I can't I've got an important date I have to get dressed my aren't you the popular one sis I'll do it won't you sis yes I'll do it [Music] [Applause] [Music] sorry I couldn't finish mommy I'm not feeling very well another headache let me get you an asp dear I'll be all right I got when I go upstairs giving up a decision to see a movie in order to help with the housework is not out of the ordinary in itself but when this is followed by feelings of more than usual tiredness nervousness and discomfort it suggests emotional difficulties which the patient herself does not understand you didn't have the headache at the office or on the way home not until after dinner no weren't you disappointed not to see that movie well yes I was well tell me more about your headaches I had an awful one last week it was so bad I couldn't go to the office party everyone was going the girl spent a lot of time talking about it I was going to get a new blouse to wear with my blue suit there was a sale the day before the party I was going after work and then miss Henderson asked me to stay and do some extra typing for one of the girls I know you won't mind dear Barbara is so anxious to get off on time I just got to get my hair done for the party yes thanks Mark you're a deer she finds no comfort in agreeing she simply cannot disagree [Music] marget yes Mother what kept you so late I had a lot of work to do did you get the blouse Dear Mother I will when I get time now don't forget dear I want you to look nice for tomorrow the next day I went to the store there was one the sales girl wanted me to buy it reminded me of one of my mothers she said it was just right for me I wasn't sure the inability to say no easily persuaded against her own feelings she accepts other people's choices and not her own for which she [Music] suffers I hate this Clow her dissatisfaction and disappointment result in the familiar headache and the feeling of utter [Music] [Music] weariness as the interviews continue memories of earlier life reveal the same inability to assert herself it gradually becomes clear that this developed from the fear of losing love love and of not being wanted a school friendship she was wonderful so popular and pretty we used to go everywhere together everyone liked her but I was her best friend the Friendship gave the patient a feeling of being wanted and useful she enjoys her friend's successes without exposing herself to dangers of competition she dreads competition but living through the friend she cannot satisfy her own need for expression there was a boy who took me out once in a while he was very nice I guess Jean got quite a crush on because she flirted with him a lot I guess he got to like her [Music] too I remember one time when I was going along the street they were standing talking to some other people and they didn't even say hello I felt terribly hurt did you say hello no I didn't want to Bud in when they didn't say hello I felt awful afraid to join them she is not noticed she feels wrongly that she is not wanted always this inability to stand up for herself in situations calling only for normal competition I remember once when I was about 12 we were having a school play I wanted to be the princess I practiced alone in my room until I knew it perfectly [Music] all right now we want to choose the princess who wants to be first all right Jean a fairy went to marketing she bought a colored bird it's sang the sweetest frill song that ever she had heard she sat beside his pained cage and listened half the day and then she took then she then she opened up the door and let it fly away all right Margaret it's your turn a fairy went a mar marketing she bought a PR a colored bird it say that sweetest so that ever she had heard all right dear I guess you don't do it very well afraid to compete for fear that she might lose friendship gradually Margaret with the doctor's help discovers what in her childhood has made her act and feel as she does now Margaret was sheltered too much as a child her well-meaning but over anxious mother often discouraged her by exaggerating the dangers of everyday life Margaret stop that you'll burn yourself child mommy doesn't want a darling baby to be hurt as she hears the all too familiar don'ts her normal need to learn by doing is cured she clings to her mother for safety no Margaret it's sharp you cut your hand you mustn't do that you'll smash your thumb Margaret how many times must I tell you not to climb you could fall and break a leg darling those are sharp scissors you'll cut off your f fingers Margaret little girls don't climb on Gates you'll hurt yourself and get all dirty Mommy wants you to be her good little girl and keep neat and tidy love mommy she depends now too much on her mother's approval it is safest to avoid all activities which seem dangerous or which her mother wouldn't like [Music] a little sister now mother's affections must be shared the baby takes up time and attention that otherwise would have been hers [Music] when she feels insecure she seeks protection but too often she chooses awkward moments to ask for it no no go and play Daddy's busy can't you come and get this child normal rebuffs are exaggerated by her feeling of insecurity she has too few devices to turn to normal activity has already been too much discouraged when she cannot get attention she feels she is not wanted she competes for the attention she feels she must have look Mom and Daddy I'm dead mommy and daddy don't love little girls that show off to show off is bad if you are bad no one will love you she tries other ways creative ways to get attention and affection but finds no encouragement what is it I never going to a bed I've never seen a Beed that looks like that look Mommy Margaret take your dirty paints away I don't want my laundry all messed up her parents don't understand Margaret's needs and this robs her of an outlet through self-expression because her self-confidence has already been damaged she gives up [Music] easily can't you look after this child look after yourself I'm busy now be a good girl I'll P you she learns to be a good girl to do what she is told this gains her very little but she runs no risk of losing approval Margaret's parents are not unusual parents who are fond of their children can still discourage them from growing up active and [Music] confident you being a good girl by the age of eight she is a model child what she has been made she now is she never quite grows up even as an adult she is still the good child in order to grow up she must learn how to face up to her difficulties the model child does not necessarily become the happy adult she's a good girl the baby by now she is able to work out her personal problems with others in a group under guidance in this understanding environment Margaret finds that she is not alone with her difficulties she feels that she belongs she is no longer so afraid to express her real feelings and to assert herself one that is featured in many of the fashion magazines it's the new spring shade in blue it's a very sensible walking shoe and yet a very dressy shoe I have your size in this she is not so Bound by the crippling ties of [Music] childhood take this one Margaret be a good girl and we won't love you Margaret do what you're [Music] told no as a matter of fact I don't like those at all can you show me something else please something a little [Music] gayer with new understanding her headaches bother her less having fewer conflict she has fewer symptoms in all her contacts at home in the office and with her widening circle of friends she is beginning a new life some lessons of childhood can be learned too well and carried over into adult life sometimes they can become the source of illness which has no discoverable basis in physical conditions through increased understanding of these factors the individual learns how to stand up for himself he becomes more and more able to take part with confidence and satisfaction in the world of his fellow men [Music]