The Failing Marriage (1977)

I'm really sorry I ever brought up this. I hope you're sorry you ever brought it up. And I told you before that's it. It's done and there's no more discussion. That's it. It's settled. Well, I have news for you. I don't think it's done. I don't think it's settled. And I want to discuss this. I want to discuss it sely for a change without you flying off the handle all the time. Same with the sister you got. Sely, no sie. It's over. She's not coming back. I don't care what happens to her. All right. Obviously, that is very obvious because it hasn't been brother. What would what would it be like if it was someone in your family? my brother. He wouldn't hang around change. Oh, we'd have to take care of little Frankie. We have to make sure everything's all right with him. We have to give him all the money he wants. We have to take him out to school. We have to do this. We have to do that. He's got to have all the stereo equipment he wants. He's got to have whatever his little heart desires. Yeah. Well, I'm working to pay for it. And I say he gets it. He gets it and she doesn't. Oh, that's that's really fine. Yeah. He gets it and she doesn't. What logic? I can't believe it. I really can't believe you talk logic to me, honey. I'll talk whatever I please. I don't think you would understand it anyway. You were so beyond that. Yeah, you are really beyond anything. You're beyond discussing anything sainely with you. We had the discussion. The discussion's over. And she does not come back until this. She does my sister here. I will have her here and you will not tell me. Well, honey, you and your sister are both going to stay in a hotel. My dear husband. Yeah. You just try throwing me out of this house. You just try it. I dare you, John. I dare you. Well, I'm telling you, she doesn't come back. You want to spend your time with your sister? I don't care. But you don't spend it here. You try to be a little more civil to her. Don't talk civil. Don't talk. You never try anything. You don't try and You don't try and be civil with anybody. You never come home and talk to me. Who's been keeping this lush free or all this lush? My sister is not lush. And I don't buy another drop of her. She is not a lush. Oh yeah, she's as lushy as you. Check under her mouth. Two martinis. Two and three martinis. Two martinis. I would say that is vering on alcoholism. I don't care what you say. I don't buy her. It's you. Yeah. Why? I really It's your goddamn sister. That's why. Blame everything on her. You just let Well, everything's her goddamn fault anyway. Oh, it is not. That is ridiculous. Oh, she stays up. She does not. She stays here. Honey, if you bring her here tomorrow, I your finger at me. I you bring her here tomorrow. Stop. I [ __ ] You Charlie, listen to me. I told you. Stop. You want me to smash you? Stop it. To smash you. I'm telling you. This is incredible. I don't believe you are doing this. Let go of my wrist. You're hurting me. You are hurting me, Charlie. I don't give a [ __ ] if I'm hurting you. You're hurting me. I'm going to hurt you now. You're hurting me. Let me alone. Stop the [ __ ] Stop it. Yeah. Throw another goddamn thing or throw you out of this goddamn house. You and your sister. I've had enough. But I am not going to work my ass up for your sister. J. [Applause] Like a million other couples this year, Charlie and Caroline's marriage will end in divorce. Just about half, only 55 out of a 100red marriages taking place today will survive. Why do marriages fail? There are no pat answers. But let's look at a marriage that is failing. This one, and see if we can get a picture of the forces that can tear couples apart. Caroline and Charlie are caught in a power struggle. The original issue has been forgotten because each is more interested in winning the struggle than in solving the problem. The purpose of a power struggle is to stay in control. And in order to get control, each resorts to attack and counterattack, the usual maneuvers of a power struggle. Anger and hostility have taken the place of affection and caring. But anger is a natural response to frustration, and frustration is a normal part of life. Anger can be constructive when it is channeled into problem solving. But what is happening here with Caroline and Charlie is that the anger is destroying the marriage. Let's look at some of the scene again and see how their anger becomes destructive. This is Caroline's opening. It produces resentment and more anger. Well, I have news for you. I don't think it's done. I don't think it's settled. And I want to discuss this. I want to discuss it sely for a change without you flying off the handle all the time. Instead of trying to solve the problem, she is more interested in hurting, in getting even. She may feel better for a while because she's getting things off her chest. But her words will have a scarring effect that will be felt for a long time. My sister is not lush. And I don't buy another crop for her. She is not a lush. Oh yeah. She's as lushy as you are under her two martinis. Two and three martinis. I would say that is verging on alcoholism. This is character assassination. [Applause] It's you. Charlie's drinking has nothing to do with the decision about Nikki. Bringing it up now makes getting back to the original issue even harder. More and more irrelevant issues are being dragged in. They are arguing about so many different things now. The system is overloaded. I call this kitchen sinking because everything gets thrown into the argument but the kitchen sink. What would it be like if it was someone in your father? He wouldn't carry around. Then we'd have a big change or we'd have to take care of little Frankie. We have to make sure everything's all right with him. This remark is sarcasm. It produces resentment and more anger. Do that. He's got to have all the stereo equipment he wants. He's got to have whatever his little heart desires. Charlie and Caroline are caught up in a power struggle. The original issue is forgotten because each is more interested in winning than in solving the problem. [Applause] They use tactics like character assassination, humiliation, sarcasm, generalizing the criticism and so on. The end result is anger. And when anger is used in an attacking way, such as here, it becomes enormously destructive. Why can't Charlie and Caroline resolve their problems constructively like so many others? The answer to that question lies in the fact that there is a hidden defect in how these two people communicate. The power struggle is only a symptom, not the cause. The real cause for this failing marriage is a subtle defect in communication. To find this basic flaw, let's go back to the very beginning of the argument when Caroline first brings up the issue about Nikki. Let's see how Charlie and Caroline communicate. Charlie, do you think you could pick Nikki up tomorrow? I have to take the kids to the dentist and I can't go and she's due to come out. Pick her up. She's due to come out tomorrow. Mhm. And I'd rather, you know, that one of us got her than she would have to take a cab. And I mean, that's an expense, too. We, you know, and take her away. Bring her home. We got to talk about this. Well, I thought we agreed that it was all right. We agreed that it was all right for a while. Okay. Mm- She's been here. Things are getting bad in this house and I'm not bringing her back. Okay. Now, Chel, what am I supposed to do? I can't I can't just, you know, they can't release her. I just can't have her go on the street. Now, I've got to bring her just for a while. Now, we said we'd give it a chance. And I say two weeks as a chance. It was just for a while. The last time and the time before that. Then, no. Well, what would you like me to do? Would you like to put her up at a hotel? That's an idea you'd want her to. I don't really think she can take that, Charlie. Now, look, you know what the doctor You don't think she can take that? I'm going to tell you something. I don't know. I know that I can take her coming back here. Okay. Thank you for letting me finish. Well, you finish now. Thank you. May I just point one little thing out to you? You point one little thing out. Each time she has been here. Okay, just shut up a minute. Just let me finish something once. Wait, don't tell me to shut up. Would you please be quiet then? Don't tell me to shut up. All right. You want to discuss this? We're going to discuss it. But don't you tell me to shut up. Shut up. You pick your sister up and you take her wherever you want. But she's not coming back in this house. So there. Now shut up. Okay. Huh? Now are you ready to talk decent without Shut up. You have outshotted me every time I've tried to bring this up. You've not let me finish. Honey, I've had here her I had her here twice. Okay. Are we supposed to take care of this girl the rest of her life? When is she going to start taking care of herself? The problem about Nikki is only a trigger to bring out the conflicts that lie beneath the surface. How can we find out what the true issues are? their body language, how they use objects, what they say and do. All these can be a clue to what is really happening. For instance, let's look at the couple just before the issue of Nikki is brought up. Charlie's not really reading the magazine. He's using it as a barrier. There are other issues here besides Nikki, but no one is talking about them. Let's go a little further. It looks as though Caroline feels dominated by Charlie. You have outshouted me every time I have tried to bring this up. You've not let me finish one off. But at the same time, Caroline feels dominated by Charlie. Charlie also feels dominated. Don't tell me to shut up. All right. You want to discuss this? We're going to discuss it. But don't you tell me to shut up. Shut up. The struggle to avoid being dominated has a lot to do with Charlie's barriers. They seem to be a way of saying, "You can't make me." And there's another important issue to Charlie. Losing control. Here, in a very revealing moment, Charlie shows just how much losing control frightens him. I had her I had her here twice. He has only mispronounced his words. A simple thing. But his overreaction tells us that under that facade, he has a great fear of losing control. I had your her I had her here twice. Dominating, submitting, losing control. These are some of the things that Charlie and Caroline can't talk about directly and the list gets longer. One more most important issue becomes obvious at the very beginning of the argument. Let's look at the replay. Charlie, do you think you can pick Nikki up tomorrow? I have to take the kids to the dentist and I can't go and she's due to come out. Caroline has waited until the last moment to bring up the issue about Nikki. And look how casually she brings it up. Then when Charlie refuses to go along, Caroline gets very upset and protests. We got to talk about this. Well, I thought we agreed that it was all right. We agreed that it was all right for a while. Okay. Mm-m. She's been here. Things are getting bad in this house, and I'm not bringing her back. Okay. Now, Charlie, what am I supposed to do? I can't. This is a pattern. We'll see more of it soon. Caroline understates her request. Charlie, do you think you could pick me up tomorrow? Charlie refuses. Mm- She's been here. Things are getting bad in this house, and I'm not bringing her back. Caroline protests. Now, Charlie, what am I supposed to do? Look at the body language at the instant of protest. Charlie's hands show his everpresent barriers. Caroline's hand onchest martyr gesture shows her protest. It's that martyr way she protests. Let's go a little further. It was just for a while. The last time and the time before that. That was No. Well, what would you like me to do? Would you like to put her up at a hotel? That's an idea. You'd want her to I don't really think she can take that, Charlie. Here is almost that same request, refusal, protest pattern again. Only this time, it has an unexpected twist. Let's watch it again. Caroline offers a solution. Well, what would you like me to do? Would you like to put her up at a hotel? Charlie accepts the solution. That's an idea. Caroline rejects her own solution. I don't really think she can take that, Charlie. Caroline offered a suggestion. She expected Charlie to refuse. If he refused, she would protest and the request refusal protest pattern would have been repeated. What happened was that Charlie didn't refuse. And because the pattern is more important than the issue, Caroline was forced to reject her own suggestion. She was outmaneuvered. She couldn't protest her own solution. Is Caroline setting herself up to be refused? If so, why? At this point, we can only guess. But that request, refusal, protest pattern does give us a clue. It could be that Caroline is using a ploy. The purpose of the ploy is to place blame and avoid guilt. The name of the ploy is, "Look how hard I tried. Here's how it operates. Caroline secretly doesn't want Nikki to move in. But since Nikki's her sister, she can't say no without feeling guilty. But if Charlie says no, then he takes the blame. Caroline protests. And when she does, she feels self-righteous. And that's where the martyr part comes in. Because when she finishes protesting, she can say to herself, "Look how hard I tried." There is the defect. Manipulation has taken the place of true communication. Instead of being able to talk freely about how they feel, they avoid and manipulate. Charlie with his barriers, Caroline with her ps. Each throws his conflict on the other while at the same time each trying to avoid getting caught in the other's conflict. What is the outcome of a power struggle and a communication defect? A relationship in which Caroline and Charlie find themselves living in two different worlds. I'm tired of yelling. Well, I'm tired of yelling, too. And I'm tired of your sister like that. Oh, now she's not coming back. Why? I'm in a state. You're right. Talking to you. Well, there's not going to be any discussing that because it's settled. We haven't discussed anything at all. You're right. We haven't discussed a thing from the very beginning. It's been nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. All the way down the line. Don't talk to me. Don't bother me about that. You bug me. Your sister bug me. We've kept her. I have picked her up before. Brought her back here. I'm talking about right now. Yeah. What about right now? I was just Why should I repeat myself? Why should you repeat yourself? I'm fed up here. I fed up with Nikki. I'm fed up with the shenanigans. I want her out. Don't you want to How about a little understanding from you? All right. How dare you say that to me? How dare I say that to you? How dare you? Understanding you don't know the meaning of the word. Instead of loving and caring for each other, they find themselves very separate and very much alone. And what happens when Charlie openly asks Caroline for understanding? In an extraordinary, revealing moment, Caroline shows where she stands when it comes to Charlie's need for love and caring. How about a little understanding from you? All right. How dare you say that to me? How dare I say that to you? How dare you understanding? You don't know the meaning of the word. Once they have reached that point, agreement is impossible and the battle becomes inevitable. A successful marriage takes awareness, sensitivity, and a lot of courage. Really important issues can't be avoided for long because like old ghosts, if they're not faced, they keep popping up when they're least expected, getting in the way of things that really need to be dealt with.