Sibling Rivalries and Parents (1956)

[Music] in any family we are bound to encounter a certain amount of rivalry among the brothers and sisters rivalry fourth tension for esteem and it's not too strong to say for love it shows itself in a great many ways we see it for example in the older brothers superior mocking of the younger one the younger ones may show it disguised as silly clowning trying childishly to take the center of the stage away from Jenny the baby of the family she has learned early how to use her charm and cuteness to win the smile she wants and has a right to have we see it in the sudden moodiness of the young adolescent who may feel uncertain of father's affection but rivalry is natural and normal in fact you can't have a family without it let's consider the pattern of family relations in the beginning there are two people two relationships then there is a baby his world is complete and secure he has most of the attention of both parents then comes another baby immediately the household is complicated by six new lines of emotional communication as each new child comes into the family the number of people is increased only arithmetic alee but the number of relationships is increased geometrically thus while the children in a given family have the same parents and the same physical environment each child modifies the total family relationship so that no two children have the same emotional background for this reason even in the happiest families there is a more or less openly expressed sense of rivalry the unconscious question in the child's mind is is there enough love to go around in a large family like the Roberts individual rivalries are somewhat submerged by the business of living happily together as a group there must be cooperation and there must be a thority rod you get your practicing done now fat you get Jenny in the tub please Wendy's going to have her turn the dishes tonight the family is a working cooperating unit not just a collection of individuals it has to be otherwise quite clearly the work would never get done the children learn early that they are all to a degree interdependent and in the process they learn to respect the others as well as themselves they all have to pitch in to the family business even if the pitching isn't very useful sometimes sharing in these family activities provides training and adaptability and in working together it is training for life in the larger world but still open or submerged the individual rivalries exist how can the thoughtful parents deal with them first of all it is important that parents accept rivalry has normal rivalry has its roots in the yearning to be the most love thy father and mother secondly being aware of each child need for love and attention parents should find ways to give it just being fair is not enough if children sense that love is being rationed they will begin to hoard this is where the trouble can start rod has his innings when dad picks him up after his Cub meetings only by having dad all to himself for a little while can he get over the feeling of wanting him what more could a boy asked his favorite food and his favorite father now if dad thought of bringing some french fries home for Sandy the joy of it would be spoiled it's not the quantity of time spent together but the quality that counts given this affection by their parents energy that is otherwise used in striving for attention can be channeled into activities that bring satisfaction in themselves sandy enjoys drawing and Roddy can honestly admire his brother's work but even with careful attention from parents the rivalries are still there often in early adolescence they flare up with renewed violence Pat's rude behavior is deliberate and aggravating Wendy's intolerance of his manners is charged with emotion that goes back through forgotten quarrels to the year when she was three and packed was the new baby one of the most difficult roles of parents his mediation to forbid the quarreling would be useless because hiding strong feelings is neither effective nor permanent reasoning doesn't work either for the quarrels are based on emotion not reason now the Roberts accept rivalry as normal and give enough attention to each child but there is a third way in which they can help them get along together it is by separating feelings from action I know how you feel dear but it's perfectly natural for brothers and sisters to argue sometimes after always perfect nothing's ever his fault it no one thought there's tested you to get so cross that one bad feelings need to be worked out but not by me knack tell psychology a what am I supposed to do throwing things and calling names just makes you both feel me how am I spoke about my feelings about that little pig if I can't even call a name there are better ways of working your ceilings off you can talk it all over with me you know that or with someone else or work it on sandy can work it off with a pencil and paper when he's really furious he indulges in imaginative drawing that's rod with a bird pecking at his nose and the blood dropping down rod is in a bad humor he doesn't know why but somehow sandy seems to be the cause of it rod feels better after the hand puppets fight it out when wendy is upset just peddling hard helps to let off emotional steam a fourth and more constructive method of lessening rivalry is to build up each child's own self-respect the older children feel important when dad takes from sketching path is younger and less skillful and Wendy at most things but he has his moment of success when his drawing is the better of the two it will be easier to be nice to Wendy after this at the same time dad can build up Wendy self-respect by taking her into his confidence and recognizing her maturity at not being envious of possibility we have seen for ways to improve family relations acceptance of rivalry plenty of attention working off feelings and increasing self-respect another way to handle difficulties is to talk them over calmly after tempers have died down sometimes the children can even see the humor of the situation that is cause of violent quarrel and finally the Roberts try to substitute positive feelings for negative one the younger children are encouraged to look up to the older ones and respect their seniority and the older children are encouraged to take the little ones as they are understanding their weaknesses as well as their good points and so with enough love with self-respect with acceptable ways of expressing their rivalry and with guidance in how to get along happily together the Roberts are coming through the years of childhood with only a normal amount of quarreling development is always accompanied by some friction and in the very nature of their growing up the children must develop therefore if there is no friction somebody is hiding something [Music] you