Saying No: A Few Words to Young Women about Sex

[Music] [Music] what's the matter I just don't want to do that well didn't you have a good time tonight yeah but I think you better be going home now well come on I thought this would be our special night I just think we've gone far enough well I thought you liked me well it's not that well no one will know except the two of us I think you'd enjoy it I know well then why not I don't know I just feel funny about it I didn't know you were that straight if you don't like me we don't have to go out anymore don't be like that you know I like you well look you get me all worked up and then you say you don't want to do it I don't like girls that play games I wasn't playing games I just want you to go home now I didn't figure you for someone with a sexual hangup I don't have a hang up how do you know if you haven't had sex I hadn't said I hadn't had sex look I didn't hold out on you do you know how much I spent tonight I know I had a really wonderful time yeah well you have a funny way of showing it I'm really sorry you know something you're really beautiful I mean you turned me on the first time I saw you I wasn't going to tell you this but I think I'm in love with you really do you love me yes I do if you love me you'll prove it just relax that won't hurt you I think I back to the art Warren show and our guest today Dr Joan Kaufman of the Louise Chester teen Counseling Center in Oakdale there's a caller online too go ahead you're on the air with Dr Joan Kaufman what's your name please this is Debbie and I was wondering if you have any advice for girls who have trouble handling a situation like when a guy really wants to do it and you don't want to but well in the end you do yes you mean that you have the intention of not having sex but somehow you get talked into it yeah well if you're doing something Debbie that you don't want to do I would guess that on some level you haven't really clearly decided what it is that you do want and this is more of a process of becoming aware of who you are and who you want to be and what's in your own best interest see the choices you make determine who you are you decide what you'll eat what you won't eat what clothes you'll wear whether or not you'll use drugs or alcohol whether you'll smoke or not and and whether you know it or not you do have some kind of ideal of what kind of person you'd like to be now eventually you face the decision of when to have intercourse and this is a particularly difficult decision because it's one that's very personal and must be made on the basis of this self- knowledge that I'm talking about now if you don't have a clear notion of what is right and wrong behavior for you right now you can end up doing what you don't want to do uh keep this in mind um unless you're a very unusual person uh you're not deciding yes or no about sex um we can assume that you'll have as much sex as you want during your lifetime you're just deciding when it's right to have sex now there's no rush you were born a sexual being and you're going to be one until the day you die uh and in each stage of your life you'll have different needs relative to this this very unique person that you are uh do you understand what I mean yeah now the choice of when to begin to have intercourse is a difficult one again because uh of the risks involved uh one out of 10 teenagers becomes pregnant you probably know someone that's pregnant and for a teenage girl that's pregnant the choices suddenly become very few and very serious I'm talking about abortion adop op dropping out of school uh raising a child in your parents home raising a child on welfare going into a teenage marriage um and uh and the other risk you have to consider of course is uh the growing rate of VD among teenagers uh there's gonorrhea much of the time showing no symptoms in women uh herpes I read this morning it's called the um the leprosy of sexuality uh these are things that are on the rise these are very very real threats now this doesn't mean that all these things happen to all that have intercourse you know that isn't true but what you should know is that the risk is there for everyone and especially for girls who aren't ready yet and there are an awful lot of those girls I see them in my office every morning some of these girls simply lack the the techniques of how to say no being assertive you know and making it stick others find themselves getting into a sexual relationship for the wrong reasons this is Art waren back again with Dr Joan Kaufman and I've got a question Dr Kaufman really know is every everybody doing it or is it just talk well yes and no among young teenagers um 14 to 17 that group The majority uh really aren't doing it then how come you hear so much about it well because the the pressure is is to be sexually active there's no doubt about that but in fact there are a lot of girls whove decided to postpone sex they make up a kind of silent majority they have their reasons but you don't hear about them because it isn't the cool thing to do you know because of peer pressure and all that yeah right I think it has a lot to do with it well I really love my boyfriend and sometimes we'll be together and we get kind of worked up you know but we've talked it over and I really feel like I'm too young to deal with having sex and I just want to wait for a while so does he I wasn't ready for it the first time it was messy and it hurt and I didn't feel very good about myself afterwards well I was brought up to believe that the it's wrong to have sex before you married I mean I don't lay it on anybody else but that's how I feel about it I have this girlfriend who got herpes and I don't want to risk that so I'm going to wait I don't like the side effects of birth control and I sure don't want to get pregnant that's nowhere well I want to get married and have a lot of kids and and I don't want to get involved with somebody now and mess that up but haven't women always been saying no isn't that that the age- old issue in the battle of the sexes well sure I guess you could generalize and say that men have historically tried to pressure women into having sex but I think the big difference now is that other girls pressure her too um girls who have had intercourse feel a lot better when all their friends have too it's only natural so today a girl is getting it from all angles and what about the media there's a lot of Vue into an advertising no one ever says no in an ad or commercial but in real life if you have to learn to say no if you're going to respect yourself and uh I mean it's always easier to just go along and that's where assertiveness comes in holding fast to what you want being clear yeah and firm and not being afraid or embarrassed to repeat what it is that you want for in this case what it is that you don't want please [Music] don't what's the matter I just don't want to go any farther well didn't you have a good time tonight I had a great time but I don't want to go any farther why not I thought this would be our special night I just think things are getting a little heavy I don't want to make it with you I thought you like me I do like you I just don't want to have sex no one would know except the two of us I think you'd enjoy it I might but I don't want to do it why not that I don't have to give you a reason I just don't well I didn't know you were that straight I mean if if you don't want to go out with me anymore you don't have to I'm sorry you're mad because I really like you I just don't want to go all the way well look you get me all worked up and then you say you don't want to do it I don't like girls that play games I'm really sorry if that's what you think I did I didn't figure you for someon with a sexual hangup how does my not wanting to make it with you mean I have a sexual hangup well you're not turned on are you I am turned on and that's why I want to stop before we go any farther yeah well it's not that easy for guys you know what I mean I mean once we get turned down we got to go all the way I know that's not true and I'm not going to do it look I didn't hold out on you do you know how much I spent tonight I know you spent a lot and I had a wonderful time but I'm not going to make it with you you know something you're really beautiful I mean you turned me on the first time I saw you I wasn't going to tell you this but I think I'm in love with you I think a lot of you too but I think if you loved me you respect my feelings what makes you think I don't respect you because if you did you wouldn't pressure me into going all the way when I don't want to okay okay so you don't want to make it woman's got a mind all her own I'll say that for you but don't say I don't respect you because I do what do you got to eat we're back on the air with Dr Joan Coughlin of the Louise Chester teen Counseling Center Dr Kaufman I know that some girls can stay in control of an emotional situation but not everyone has that ability yes they do art every girl has her own particular way of being assertive the secret is to know what you want and then to stick to it maybe you didn't understand me I said no way I don't believe in sex before marriage and if that's your only interest to me you better forget it I just don't feel that way about you and I'm not going to do it we have a caller online one uh go ahead you're on the air with Dr Koffman hi my name is Sue I I was um fairly loose when I started high school and now I get the feeling that guys just take me out for one reason you know it it really really bums me out is it possible to change that I mean right now you know they expect it Sue this is one of the most common problems I hear no just because you've had six I don't care how many times you don't have to keep having it there are hundreds of ways to show a person that you care about them without having sex but remember if that's all you're offering that's all that's going to be taken you can change your way of relating to boys at any time uh you always have the last say in what you do with your body Joan didn't you say you were going to give us an address where our listeners could send for a questionnaire that would help them find out if they were ready for sex well no actually I don't have enough for that but I I'll go one better if it's all right with you and we have time I'd like to read the questions now over the air and uh let your listeners answer them uh right now that's great Dr Kaufman okay if you're a teenage girl put down what you're doing sit back in your chair and take this one minute quiz you don't have to answer out loud how will I feel about myself if I have sex what would I do if I found out I were pregnant what would my parents think if they found out I was having sex is anyone pushing me into having sex what would I do if I recognized that I had the symptoms of VD and here's the big one could having a relationship which includes intercourse affect my own personal goals hopes and dreams for the future I guess I never thought about all the things women have to consider well I think people sometimes misinterpret what they really want see all of us want closeness tenderness the feeling of being special to someone these needs are part of being a human being and to a great extent they can be satisfied without having intercourse I think loving a person means sharing your feelings with that person about a whole lot of things in life including sex and what you think is right for you if a guy doesn't respect a girl's feelings about this she should find someone who does and I'd like to say to the girls listening that uh throughout history history women have had to say yes to a lot of things they didn't like but no more it's your right to say no and if you don't want to have intercourse this is a good time to begin and we are out of time and I want to thank you Dr Kaufman of the Louise Chester teen Counseling Center for being with us today and I'll be back tomorrow with another guest news is next bye for now [Music]