Rob Schneider on David Letterman 1980s KCST San Diego

[music] [applause and cheering] Thank you very much. My name is Rob Schneider. I'm 5 foot five. Please remain seated. My parents are short. I'm going to marry a girl shorter than me. We're breeding down. We're going to be Shetland people. I want my children to be collector's items. I think it's important. [laughter] I'm the youngest of six kids in my family. So, by the time I grew up, my parents didn't care anymore. There were no more rules to break. They just came up to me said, "Okay, Rob, here are the car keys. Here's where the alcohol is. You just do whatever you have to do. We're going to be back here guarding our china." [laughter] I am from California. Any native Californians here? I'm proud because California is where the word dude comes from. I've watched the word dude develop over the years. It's turned into a word kind of like aloha. It has more than just one meaning. You can use it to say hello dude. You can also use it to say listen dude. [laughter] What it's most most important meaning though, most important is you blew it, dude. It could also mean are you in the closet with a knife, dude? [laughter] Anybody see the Indianapolis 500 this year? >> Yeah. >> Okay. Let me tell you some Where's the story? Some guy got hit by a tire and was killed. Can you imagine? What were the odds? 400,000 people there and you get smacked. I know what he's thinking. I know what he's thinking. I got it. I got it. This is the ultimate souvenir right here. If I can get out here with the tire, it'll be so cool. Hey, where'd you get that? Indie. It's good thing I had my tire mitt. I read in the paper, true story, another family quarrel has resulted in a shooting. This is sad cuz this is so preventable. Cuz when your lover comes back into the living room with a shotgun, it's time to make up. It's time to get all agreeable inside. You know, honey, you're right. This place is a mess. [laughter] >> I'm going to start picking up right now. [applause] [cheering] >> My girlfriend lives in Los Angeles. Uh, I live in San Francisco. We can't always be together, so we have phone sex. It's weird, >> especially cuz I have call waiting. Let me tell you guys, you really don't want to know about your girlfriend's past. You know, you think you do, but after she tells you, you realize you didn't want to know that, huh? [laughter] So, you used to be a man, dude. I'd like to do my impersonation right now of Elvis Presley on a fish hook. Here we go. Sunny red. How do I step outside? I don't get some sweet cakes, get some pie. I don't know. Maybe come back here and UH [applause] >> most comedians won't do Elvis unofficial. And apparently he got sick and I filled him for 3 weeks, you know. >> Mhm. Really, anybody here could be Elvis in Japan. [laughter] >> You look more like Elvis than anyone they've ever seen. >> Yeah. [laughter] >> And And what what was your act? What would you do? >> I would come out. Well, first of all, they had an opening Elvis impersonator. >> You would Yeah. He's 6' five and he would open up and then uh he would sing a song and then I would come out and I'd be the the most