Rita Rudner on David Letterman 1980s KCST San Diego

had seven wheels and a driver. My parents, they wouldn't even push me on the swing. They wouldn't. They just sit me on the swing and run back and forth and say, "It looks similar to this." I had a dog when I was growing up. I love dogs. I do. I hate cats, though. I have to tell you. I think they're a waste of fur. Thank you. It's just that you never know what a cat is thinking. It's usually thinking, "If I could just jump on her head and ruin her life." You always know what a dog is thinking. A dog's always thinking, "God, I'm hungry." It's been almost 7 minutes. Which is 3 weeks in dog minutes. I had a collie when I was growing up. She was so beautiful except she had a tremendous inferiority complex because of Lassie. While a lot was expected of colleagues who were growing up in the 60s, wasn't enough that they knew how to sit and roll over. They had to know how to use the phone and do the Heimlick maneuver. The smartest dogs are poodles. It's true. They're getting smarter. Soon they're going to be able to talk. They're going to say, "Stop cutting my hair like that." [applause] I wonder if other dogs look at them and think they're members of a weird religious cult. >> We do such strange things to dogs. My girlfriend has an Alaskan sled dog. She lives in Arizona. Dog must think it died and went to hell. [laughter] Well, I've been going through hell. I've been on a diet. I hate it. Why can't we be fat? You know, fat used to be beautiful. Most great artists began their careers painting overweight women and fruit. They must have started out painting big meals, but the overweight women kept eating them. [applause] I go on these binges like I was a vegetarian for a while, but I quit cuz it has side effects. I found myself sitting in my apartment starting to lean towards the sunlight. [laughter] Ice cream is my favorite food. I I just love it. I had a hag and bar for the first time the other night. It was so good. And it was such a comforting feeling to know that all I had to do to work it off was run around the world. Women get crazy with exercise. There's a woman. She swam around Manhattan three times and someone asked her why she did it and she said because no one had ever done it before. Well, she didn't have to do that. She wanted to do something no one had ever done before. All she really had to do was vacuum behind my couch. >> Thank you very much. Good night. [applause] [music] [music] >> [applause] [music]