PARDON MY ACCIDENT.

[music] [music] [music] [music] [music] >> And now my dear scholars, this concludes our lesson on how to overcome the handicap of influential friends or just as in this translation, cut yourself a hunk of success. There is a yes and a no to everything. Always remember to gain fame and fortune, you must keep the proper point of view in sight. Grasp energy by the hand and show plenty of I love meat, commonly called Fortune never falls into a man's lap without a poison arrow. The pennies that rain from heaven are only slugs. A man must climb to success. Nothing ever drops from a clear sky. And always remember that old adage In this translation when the Rocky Mountains would not come to Mudhammer, Mudhammer went to the Catskills. >> [applause] >> And now, for the benefit of my scholars who wish to obtain a copy of my book entitled How to overcome the handicap of influential friends, you may write or call at any one of my conveniently located stores. The main store is at 785 Fulton Street, Brooklyn. We have another store at 785 Fulton Street, Brooklyn. And for your convenience, we have now opened another branch at Brooklyn. I thank you. That is all. And always remember, pupils, success only comes with hard work. Nothing ever falls from a clear sky. Oh! Didn't you hear me yell "Look out"? Huh? >> Didn't you HEAR HIM HOLLER "LOOK OUT"? >> I THOUGHT THAT YOU SAID "LOOK UP". >> ARE YOU HURT? >> WHAT? >> Are you hurt? >> Are you insured? >> Yes. >> Oh. Oh. Get me an expensive doctor and a cheap lawyer. Oh. Oh, it hurts. >> You'll attend to the patient in 419. >> Yes, ma'am. Oh, good afternoon, Miss Evans. >> How do you do, Mr. Gabby? >> Miss Evans, tell Dr. Zick I've arranged to have Dr. Cavalotta operate on my brother Roswell. >> Dr. Cavalotta? The famous surgeon? >> Yes, he should be here any minute. >> Do you know him? Is he good-looking? >> I don't know. I've never met him, but I know his wonderful record and his very strict ruling. >> What ruling? >> Well, he only takes a case with the understanding that he's not to be interfered with, not to be questioned, not to be criticized. >> Well, I'll see to that. Oh, I'd love to hear about some of his cases. >> Well, perhaps I can get him to tell you about some of them. >> Uh perhaps you don't know who I am, but I am a >> Dr. CAVALOTTA, I cannot tell you how glad I am to meet you, doctor. I am Henry Gable, the patient's brother. This is Miss Pitts, the head nurse. >> How do you do, Doctor Cavalotta? >> But you don't understand I am not >> I know you're not to be interfered with, Doctor Cavalotta. >> But I am not >> And not to be questioned. >> But listen, I am not >> And not to be criticized, I understand. >> You don't understand, I just had a safe >> A safe operation, to be sure. >> It fell on me. >> It fell on you to perform the operation, which was lucky for the patient. >> Now listen here, I did not come >> To talk about your wonderful record, I know, doctor. But won't you please tell Miss Pitts about that salami bologna operation that you performed in Chicago. >> Salami bologna in Chicago? >> Yes. >> Oh, when I was in Chicago >> Wait until you hear this, it was positively miraculous. Go on, tell her, doctor. >> When I was in Chicago >> And that case of spinal philosophy up in Boston, tell her about that one, doctor. >> Well, when I was in Boston >> Almost as phenomenal as the case up in Portland, tell her about the case in Portland, doctor. This will stagger you. >> Well, when I was in Portland >> As astonishing as this case was, it doesn't compare with the case of little Milanitis up in Montreal, tell her about that one, doctor. Get this. >> Well, when I was in Montreal >> It was the talk of the medical profession like the case up in Quebec, tell her about the case up in Quebec, doctor. >> It's nothing, when I was in Quebec >> It was terrific up in Ottawa. >> Well, when I was in Ottawa >> Here's a case on par with all in the history of medical science. >> Well, when I was in Ottawa >> Tell her about the major operation in the general hospital up in Nova Scotia. >> When I was major general in Nova Scotia >> It was staggering, terrific, go on, doctor. >> When I was in Nova Scotia >> Why won't he tell about it? >> He's a very modest chap, hates to talk about himself. >> Well, when I was in Nova Scotia >> Maybe he'll tell us about it later. >> I hope so. >> Well, when I was in Nova Scotia >> I'll go and see my brother, I'll be right back, doctor. >> I'll get the operating room >> When I was in Nova Scotia, I when I was in Nova when I was When I was in Nova Nice people. Leave me here shivering in the cold and scover in ocean. >> Is there something I can do for you? >> Yes, please, get me out of Nova Scotia. >> Where? >> Where am I? >> You're in Doctor Six Medical Center. >> Doctor Six Medical? What am I doing here? >> Well, don't you know? >> Oh, yes, I remember. A safe fell on me and I was hurt. >> Where? >> I forgot. >> You forgot? >> When I remember, IT WAS HERE. >> NOW, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. TAKE care of everything. Now, just be calm. >> Oh, my arm 5,000 lire. Oh, my leg 10,000 lire. Oh, my side 20,000 lire. Oh, Miami, London, Paris, and the spring. >> There, there, now. We'll soon find out what's wrong and remedy it. Give me your coat. >> When? >> Now, make yourself comfortable. >> Thank you. Make myself comfortable? I sure will. >> Hey, you. Hold on there. >> But, you said make myself comfortable. >> I know, but not too comfortable. >> Oh, excuse me. >> Now, we'll see how badly you're hurt. >> Listen, if I'm not hurt now, I will be. Please, take it easy. >> Quiet. Nothing wrong there? >> Mhm. >> Nothing wrong there? >> Yes. >> Nothing wrong there? >> I think so. Yes. >> Nothing there. Nothing there, nothing there, and nothing there. >> Nothing there, nothing there, and nothing there. >> Now, I'll examine you. >> What? You haven't examined me yet? >> Of course not. That was just a preliminary going over. >> Oh, I see. Now comes the main bout. Oh, doctor, you. >> Here, you. You come back here. >> Oh, so you want to wrestle, eh? >> Here, now, you. Now, you stop playing. >> I wish I was back in school when I was >> Now, put out your tongue. I said put out your tongue. Tongue. Tongue. >> Okay, call me by my right >> Will you put out your tongue? >> I don't want to. >> Do what I say. Put out your tongue. What's the matter with you? >> I'm ashamed. >> Why? >> My tongue has no coat on. >> Oh, put out your tongue. >> I don't Give me my hat. >> There's nothing wrong with you. You're a faker. >> But, wait a minute. Wait a minute. But, are you going to let me die of broken bones? >> There's nothing broken. >> Ah, but there will be this, my heart. You will break it into pieces if you send me away from you, ma chérie. >> Oh, no. >> Please, chérie. >> No. >> Chérie. >> All right. >> Ah, ma chérie. The minute I saw you, I said, "Pierre, you are killing the composer >> What does that mean? >> I'm not so bad you. I am glad you are not married. >> Oh, but I am married, and to a very jealous husband. >> Well, it was nice knowing you. >> Oh, don't go. Don't be afraid. My husband and I are separated. He's away in Nova Scotia. >> Well, as long as he's up in Nova Where did you say he was? >> Up in Nova Scotia. >> Oh, my. >> What's the matter? >> I don't know. I just got a sudden chill. >> Oh, aren't these lovely? >> Ah, yes, ma chérie, but not as lovely as you. Roses are red and violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and so are you. >> Are you fresh, Pierre? >> [laughter] >> You know, I do not blame your husband being jealous of you. You are so beautiful. >> But he carried his jealousy too far. Why, once a man said hello to me, and my husband shot him. >> Roses He shot him? >> Yes. >> Roses are red and violets are blue. Are you sure your husband is in Nova Scotia? >> Oh, yes, I'm positive. >> Roses are red and violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and so are you. What do you like best, my singing or my kissing? >> I like them both. >> Roses are >> Is your husband that big, dark, tall fellow? >> Oh, yes, very tall and dark. >> Roses are red and I'm feeling blue. Does he wear a Van Dyke beard with a curled up mustache? >> Why, yes. >> Roses are red and Are you sure your husband is up in Nova Scotia? >> Why, yes, he was the last time I heard from him. >> How long ago was that? >> Oh, about 6 months ago. >> 6 months ago? Why, that son of a gun could have come from the North Pole in 6 months. Roses are red and I'm feeling blue. Does he carry a doctor's satchel with tools and implements and such? >> Yes, he's a very famous surgeon. His name is Dr. Carvelotti. >> Carvelotti? >> Yes. >> I think he will. Lady, please don't give me my flowers yet. >> What's the matter with you? >> Nothing, but does he wear a puff tie with a skel- skeleton pin? >> Why, yes, do you know him? >> No, but I will in A MINUTE. LOOK! >> [screaming] >> GET OUT OF HERE! >> ANYBODY IN THERE? SOMEBODY IN THERE? >> YOU HAVE nothing to worry about, Oswald. Dr. Carvelotti is a great surgeon who has cut out a great name for himself and carved his way to fame. I'll go see if he's ready for you. >> No hurry at all. WE'LL HURRY. >> AH, DOCTOR, I was just going after you. Are you ready for the patient? >> Patient, what are you talking about? >> I say, are you ready for the patient? >> WHO, THE PATIENT? OF COURSE. GIVE ME A CHANCE. WHAT DID I TELL YOU? SURE, TAKE ME TO HIM. >> RIGHT OVER HERE, DOCTOR. COME RIGHT IN HERE. >> PATIENT. MUST BE KEPT VERY QUIET. >> This is Dr. Carvelosa. I will have you on your feet very quickly, won't you, doctor? >> You said it. >> I'll leave you alone with the patient. >> Good. >> Doctor. Doctor. When will you have me on my feet? >> Right away. >> What is this, doctor? What is this? >> You are cured. >> Cured? >> Sure. You are on your feet. I work fast. Here, take my coat. You go. Now you can go home. >> Yeah, but how about my shoes? >> Never mind your shoes. They are not healthy. >> Oh, THERE YOU ARE, EH? HEY! HEY! WHAT IS THIS? WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY MANHANDLING MY brother like this? >> I didn't do nothing. I thought he was who he is not. I am the Dr. Carvelosa. >> You are? You? HELP! HELP! HELP! CRAZY MAN! >> I AM NOT THE CRAZY MAN. I can explain. I am Dr. Carvelosa. >> You are not. I know Dr. Carvelosa personally. Seize him. He's crazy. >> You are making a mistake. WAIT A MINUTE, PLEASE. I AM DR. CARVELOSA. PLEASE, LET ME GO. >> YOU'VE GONE CRAZY. >> NO, HE'S CRAZY. He thinks he's a famous Dr. Carvelosa. >> He is Dr. Carvelosa. >> Are you crazy, too? >> Certainly not. This is Dr. Carvelosa. I ought to know, I'm his wife. >> His wife? >> Yes, MY WIFE. >> THEN WHO IS >> YES, WHO IS? >> WHO IS WHO? >> The man who put me on my feet. Then who's the man in my >> Brother's room who says he's Dr. Carvelosa? >> I think I know. >> And so do I. >> Formula portal exit means get out of the window. >> Take him right to the operating room and get him ready. >> All right. Sorry. >> Bring him right in here. Oh, be careful of him. He's a very sick man. Get the anesthetic ready. Are you comfortable? >> Oh, all right. Yeah. >> Now you lie quiet. I'll be right back. Where in the world is that cat? >> He got away, all right, that scoundrel. Someday I will get him. And then then then I will go again. You! What are you doing on your back? I THOUGHT I PUT YOU ON YOUR FEET. Keep quiet. Shh. You must be kept VERY QUIET. YOU ARE A YOU ARE A VERY SICK MAN. But listen here. You must get up. >> [laughter] >> Roses are red and violets are blue. Yeah, and I'm going out and so are you. >> Right this way, doctor. >> This operation is yours. >> I'm so sorry, doctor. It was all a mistake. Rest assured we'll do everything we can to make up for this terrible blunder. >> If my dear wife will forgive me, I will forget the whole affair. >> I do, dear. And I promise never to give you cause to be jealous again. >> And then I'll prepare the patient and I will examine him. >> Very good, doctor. >> And Nova Scotia. When I was up in Nova Scot >> Uh never mind. Ah, my love one. Never again will I doubt you. When this case is over, we will go on another honeymoon to >> to Nova Scotia. >> Nova Scotia? Very well. We'll take a beautiful trip to >> Montreal. >> Oh, to Montreal? Any place you say, my sweet. Any place. But now I must examine the patient. >> Oh, oh, why not postpone the examination until later? >> Later? Why? >> Well, there's been so much excitement and and your nerves and all. >> My nerves? My dear wife, I have no nerves. Come, I finish this quickly and soon we will be on our way to >> Nova Scotia. >> Nova Scotia? But what? I thought you decide on Montreal. >> Well, I changed my mind. I'd rather go to to uh >> Quebec. >> Quebec? Quebec? My dear, please make up your mind or or is it possible your mind is on someone else? >> Why, of course not. >> This fellow I saw you with, he has nothing to you? >> Why, certainly not. >> thought he was, if I thought you helped him to escape, if I thought you were hiding him, I would go to great extremes. I WOULD GO TO >> HALIFAX. >> SO, here is where you hide him, huh? You think to save him. Very well, the pieces you will save. My largest dissecting instrument. >> Oh, no. No, no, I didn't know HE WAS IN HERE. >> I WILL TAKE HER AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE, PLEASE. >> WAIT. OSLO PUT HIM THERE. I FOUND him wandering around downstairs. >> But, is this the truth? >> Positively. >> Oh, again I am wrong. Please, please forgive me. >> Of course I will. Where in the world is that cat? Well, for land's sake. I wish you would just look >> Say nice, when can I take them home? >> [music]