Name That 1980s Comedian 44

Softed out, very tall, confident. There's a reason I have this attitude. For the first time, I'm wearing subhost socks, and my feet and legs feel marvelous that the rest of my body is in such pain. Circulation's cut off just below the knee. And you have to be careful walking here. I've never worked with seals before. [laughter] And as far as how old I am, I admit publicly I'm 61 years of age. I'm an older man. You can tell the way I dress proves that. I wear dark suits. I wear dark suits continually, day and night. Cuz I'm at the stage of my life, you never know when it's going to happen. [laughter] What happens? You fall down. You're dressed for the occasion. Then there's another sign of being an older man. I keep touching myself a lot. Now, this is not a nervous habit. I keep taking inventory [laughter] and I think I'm going out of business. [laughter] You get old. What is What happens? You get old. It takes you longer to get dressed, too. I keep rearranging my hair. I'm getting bald. You get bald. You want to look perhaps younger. So, I went to a plastic surgeon. A genius of a doctor had a new approach to baldness. This genius wanted to shrink my head so the hair I have would fit. [laughter] These are the golden years. You spend more time seeing doctors. Just getting an You got a minute. [laughter] You know how long it takes you to get an appointment? You call a dentist. I don't care who you are. Young, old, when you call up, that woman will always ask, "What's the trouble?" "Why would you call a dentist?" I said, "My shovel broke." [laughter] She said, "Who's calling?" I said, "Mr. Milvin." She said, "Let me get your card." Now, I've been around a long time, but I've never figured this routine out. She let you on the phone for about 5, six minutes, and you listen to music. I don't want to hear music now. I have a toothache going into my ear. I don't want to dance. I don't want to dip. I just want to get an appointment. Now she comes back and says, "I have your card here." [laughter] I says, "Fine, but my teeth still hurt. When can I see the dentist?" Now you can picture her going through the appointment book. Mhm. She hums hums. The nearest the dentist could see you is a week from Thursday. I said, "That's 12 days from now." She said, "That's correct." I said, "All right. I'm sure the pain will last till then." [laughter] And now she becomes annoyed. Well, you must remember the dentist is a busy man. Oh, I know he's a busy man. Any man that works two and a half days a week should be a busy man. Now you walk in at the appointed time. She hits you with another asinine remark. Ma, you're right on time. I said, yes, I had 12 days to plan for this particular appointment. [laughter] [applause] [cheering] She says, "Follow me. Follow me. Follow me." And I like to follow her because it's the highlight of a visit to a dentist. I like to walk back nurses. I don't know what it is. They drive me crazy when they walk. The white shoes and the rubber soles. I hear the noise. Squish squash. I get excited. Squish. [laughter] It just knocks me out. And then she puts you into the chair. She's squishing. She's squashing. And she hums a lot again. And she puts the bib around your neck, turns the water on, and said, "Excuse me, I'm going to get your card. [laughter] She loves my card now." She let you alone with the water running. [laughter] Exactly. I don't have to say another word. And we're all thinking the same thought. Now, since you're thinking the right thought, take the thought one step further. Now, do you realize why her shoes go squish squash? [applause] Oh, well, you know, the dentist. Oh, he arrived. She's He's here. He's here like the Messiah return. I said, "Yes, I heard him coming in. I heard the golf club's fall." [laughter] Now, in walks the big Hummer. Oh, he's my idol two and a half days a week. Uh, what's the trouble, Bob? I says, "Hey, doc. What can the trouble be if I'm sitting in this chair? Do me a favor. Kill the pain. I've got to get out of town." Bob, relax. I don't tell you how to do your jokes. Don't tell me how to take care of your teeth. Before I touch your teeth, I must What does he say? >> X-rays. Must have a complete set of X-rays. Now, watch this man perform. This is Academy Award time. Uh, prepare for X-rays. Who's he telling to prepare for X-rays? [laughter] There are three people in the office. I'm in the chair. He's on my right. And Squishquash is on my left. And what's there to prepare? He takes your finger, gives you a filter. Huh? And he runs out of the room. And she goes out at him. Squish squash. Squish. Squish. All right, Bob. Hold your fingers still. Now I'm taking an X-ray. Hold still, please. Good. Very good. Let me have that. Develop it. Finger again. Hawk. Out. He runs. Squish. Squash. Hold still. Good. Very good. Now, what I'm telling you is we do this eight times. And after each time, he comes back and he tells me very good. What is very good? A 61-y old man can hold his finger in one place for one second. [laughter] I said, "If you're that impressed, please allow me to show you what else." [applause] Now, he gets the eight x-rays, he puts it up against the white light, and he drops his voice. And if I've done nothing else this evening but warn you about this, I'll feel my evenings of qualified success. Listen to the voice. When a professional man drops his voice, that's the money voice. And the deeper he drops it, >> the more it does. >> In other words, he's going to use his finger. Now, >> [laughter] >> And I don't say anything about this man other than he's a marvelous talent. He's been handling my teeth now for 25 years. I'm 61 years of age. Are you ready for this? I have all my teeth. [applause] They are not in my mouth, but I have all my teeth. They spend a lot of time in a glass next to my bed. And that's not a complaint because it's nice when you jump up in the middle of the night and you see a smile. [music] >> [music]