My LIfe To Live (1969)

for any calls from me Aunt Louise no calls you're going to break something doing that yeah okay something wrong no nothing's wrong sounds like another crisis to me what is it oh football it's stupid practicing twice a day then why do it because the coach says he needs everyone who can play ball that's why besides I'd be a traiter if I quit now a traitor to who yourself what do you mean by that well that you occasionally owe something to yourself yeah like what oh don't listen to others so much they don't always know what's best for you the way way I see it Aunt Louise you do what's expected of you well maybe so personally I don't see it that way Sharon's on the phone now what's that you've been acting awfully strange lately hey Bart you think your sister's coming back how should I know she's your sister isn't she what are you drawing you me I look like a ghost I saw a ghost B what I need is a face eyes nose and a smile there you have it Mr somebody nobody yeah you're right a smiling Mr Nobody hey you ruined it yeah I did did what killed the ghost huh yeah hey Slugger why don't you rustle us up some popcorn hey popcorn okay I'll be right back you really didn't have to do that oh I know after ruining his artwork I thought I heard the kids something well maybe so you know rad you really have a way with kids yeah sometimes I guess kids well have it kind of rough I know that's why I wouldn't want to be one again still it fascinates me though things we remember about our childhood like what oh like the rocking horse dad got me when I was three I rode the poor thing to an early death but what's the first thing you remember as a kid I don't know how old I was was three or four maybe well anyway I can remember mom hitting me across the face for something I did my nose started bleeding so I I ran and hid behind the garage I thought I was going to die the way it kept on bleeding finally I got so desperate I had to go next door and get fixed up didn't you and your mom get along no not too well I'm sorry you had such an unhappy childhood I think it's time we declared a moratorium of my child childhood don't you shall we go find Bart you know my feeling is parents should let their kids live a little [Music] [Music] she's probably already there my sweet little no problems to bother her Sharon now that's the way it should be all clear as a photograph I wonder why I've been feeling so Restless inside I didn't used to feel that way why then confusion you think a guy my age would have it all figured out instead you're just one big not inside why is it because you think too much or is it something else now maybe it's just Sharon she keeps asking all those questions what does she want to know anyhow she'd think I had some big mystery locked away inside how hi I'm sorry I'm late I guess I'm late too you looked as though you saw a ghost did I startle you no I was just tossing around some big thoughts happy thoughts I hope well not exactly you see I was well questioning myself how's that oh it's just this thing I sometimes feel about myself oh yeah you know about the way you are you mean the kind of person you are yeah you don't seem too happy about it well I keep having this feeling that how should I put it that I'm that I'm not too real anymore I don't think I understand Rod oh you know this feeling that you're always doing something for everybody else you know that you're being manipulated by the the school your friends everybody I think we all feel that way at times oh I don't know I feel choked by it all now take this sweater for instance it's supposed to mean I'm a campus hero a gladiator and these glasses they're nothing but a substitute for brains you see underneath all this junk I feel like I'm lost somewhere it's like being a prisoner you mean you're not really the guy you'd like to be yeah something like that I guess I've been trying to tell somebody this for a long time I don't know why it should be you except that you aren't like everybody else with you this well Saturday hero stuff doesn't really fit you understand you just like to be yourself is that what you're saying yeah something like that I want you to be that way too well you know just yourself and nobody else funny why that should frighten me I mean being myself you see in the past I always felt if any girl ever knew the way I really was she well she wouldn't like me it's a funny thing being afraid of yourself maybe you should give yourself a chance Rod both of us hey hey how about a ride in that married G great [Music] idea I'd be standing on the platform with Mom and he'd waved down from his cabin suddenly a big cloud of steam would shoot up and he'd be gone a moment then the huge Wheels would begin to turn and that would be gone for another week or two it sounds exciting being around your dad yeah you know for a long time I wanted to be a train engineer how come you changed your mind oh it's something a kid grows out of I guess I wanted to be a nurse one well you know save lives and care for the sick I'm afraid though what really attracted me were those starched white uniforms careful we don't touch anything you could fry us both if you touch the wrong switch I'll keep my hands in my pockets well how do you like it a little short on space Maybe Hey a couple runs down the tracks and you think you're in heaven man these old babies have really got power they pull 40 cast without of sweat you sound as if you're trying to sell me once you're talking about my first love you know uh old dad used to sit over here from down there on the tracks I used to think he was driving up Mountain oh dad lived a pretty good life maybe not enough at home that left me and the old lady all alone I don't have to tell you what that was like is he still driving train no no he got killed by one he and Mom I didn't know yeah they got hit by the B&J rocket one evening I was hardly in bed when a cop called and we went down to look at the wreckage everything was pretty busted up I was 15 or so at the time it must have been hard to lose your parents that way yeah I came back the next day and stood around the wreckage an hour or more trying to make sense out of it but there wasn't any not that afternoon anyway the only thing that added up was how how pointless it all was I mean their lives I'm afraid I don't know too much about death I haven't even been to a funeral yet I wish I knew what it all meant they put you down here and then suddenly you're gone it's like erasing zeros one of these days is I want to go back to the the railroad crossing I haven't been there in a long time I think you should Rod well you can't tell it might even make sense this time it might even make sense this time nothing here anymore but empty tracks and old memories no I don't know it's all so remote now our lives together [Music] [Applause] what exactly does it all mean their lives my own I don't know you'd think you owe it to yourself to be what you are you keep thinking you fit in somewhere behind some common denominator only it doesn't work what you're really trying to hide is how empty you are inside that's your private Albatross the real fear of how meaningless you are R are you all right rod yeah I'm okay Mom I was just thinking about your letter to Dr Barnes have you finished it yet no not exactly now what is that supposed to mean well but I haven't started it yet brod I think we've discussed it enough today it's time you got over here and did it I told you I'm not going to be a doctor anymore why should I have to bother when you use a man's house for a few days you thank him for his Hospitality it's a courtesy most people expect but I've done that I've told him thanks at least a dozen times why make me do it again because it's expected of you that's why I wish you wouldn't keep saying that that's all I seem to do what's expected of me and what's wrong with having a little discipline of your own my discipline you mean yours yours Mom all right mine and I'm not ashamed of it either you want to be thankful I've giving you some spine for doing the right thing thankful for what for not being able to breathe on my own mom you keep crowding me smothering me until well at times I almost wish you were dead rod rod can I come in a minute oh sure are you resting no no I was just thinking about mom about going to the cemetery if you decide to go I wouldn't mind going along well I I'd rather go alone sure I just thought I'd ask at Louise yes does well does your life ever become your own to live why' you ask that well I keep thinking of mom in this room things I've said things she said I keep having the feeling I owe her something an apology of my life maybe something your mom left so suddenly as though a part of her were still here I feel that way myself Aunt Louise yes do the dead have any rights to our lives does anybody I don't know rod that's something you will have to answer yourself yeah I know strange about these country graveyards they're cold looking even in the sunshine and the quiet around here it's like some other world what a weird sense of Joy walking on the Dead all these gravestones they seem so final how physical it all is this rough Stone Sun even the wind against my face and the same wind inside opening doors well I wanted the experience to last so I just stood there in the sun then after a while I turned and ran back to the car well there you have it the story of my life I must admit Rod it isn't the conventional ghost story I feel little the corpse who got away I'm glad you feel better about yourself I really am Rod well I haven't really won anything yet I mean I still feel the same and yet well it's not really the same either you see I have the feeling I can change it's strange about your parents' death well you know the hold it really had on you yeah how it was all tied up with the the way I felt about myself in what way is that oh I don't know really well I kept having the feeling that I should have died too well maybe not died so much was just the Need to Escape being myself I can see that now strange how I kept doing doing the thing she would have wanted me to do you know do what's expected of you I guess I was just trying to pay her back you see well I was kind of glad she was gone I know that's wrong that's why so much guilt flooded in yes I can see how it would well I don't feel that way now I mean I'm not glad she's gone she had a right to live like anybody else it's real funny about guilt how well you know it shuts us off from ourselves yeah you know when you think about it well I guess being Guiltless is a little like feeling space between your ribs that's the way it was that afternoon in the cemetery just the sense that everything was beginning over and over again somehow I like that feeling space between your ribs maybe that's that's the way being free really feels do you suppose we can ever choose it then to be free that's hard to say I know except well I keep having the feeling that if you could just blow open the door see down to the very bottom you'd find we were free just free I believe that too Rod free to live free even not to live why can't we choose it then why can't we say tomorrow I'm going to be myself why can't we do that I wouldn't know maybe it's well most of us feel more secure behind old masks like a prisoner feels secure huh it takes real courage to live for yourself you know when you stop and think about it there's no real challenge in just staying alive I mean the real thing is to to make something out of what you are that's the whole shooting match Rod you sound as if you've got a chip on your shoulder looking for a fight well I guess it's because For the first time in my life I feel Tough Enough inside to want to fight for myself that sounds real encouraging rod and if you weren't such a pretty girl I'd make you my manager oh I could learn to smoke cigars and wear a black Derby would that help any well now I'll think about it so I decided no more glasses no more athletic looking clothes nothing but the new Rod style have you figured out what it is yet well now that you mentioned it not really well I think I'm making Headway but after borrowing styles for 20 years it's kind of hard to create one of your own as long as it's honest I'll buy it I'll buy it too you know I quit football the other day yep turned in my pads oh they weren't really me so I got rid of them you mean I don't have a Saturday hero anymore no no hero hey let's take the pipes leave the bridge for tourists I'm afraid I'd just assume be a tourist this trip live dangerously freely you always say hey look no hands and my eyes closed too hey hey watch what your going rod that's a good way to start at the bottom [Music]