Mental Mechanisms: No 3, Over-Dependency (1949)

[music] [music] [music] Heat. [music] [music] Heat. [music] >> [music] [music] >> James Howard is not going to get up in time for work this morning. This morning he cannot face the day. >> Good morning, Jimmy. >> His wife is older than he is and more mature. The day holds no particular fears for her. His job has been getting him down lately. He feels that his boss asks too much of him and doesn't appreciate him enough. He needs a lot of appreciation. Sometimes to his wife, he is like a boy. We all depend on others, but demands that are legitimate in a child are not practical in adult. Such persons ask so much. Jimmy is like this and like a child he does not feel obliged to make return. [music] [music] >> [music] [music] >> He is late for the office, but he is not consciously avoiding his work. [music] He feels very badly about not being there. >> [laughter] >> He feels sick too and because of that he can justify himself. He is not a malinger. He [music] is sick. All right. [music] When he was a child, he learned that sickness brought him extra love and attention. As he grew, he found that he could always gain by being sick. The self-reliance he should have developed was stunted mostly because of a mother who protected him too much and a father who neglected him and whom he dreaded. Now to feel strong, to work [music] well, to cope with his problems, he has to feel loved and appreciated. If he does not feel this, he [music] still attempts to win the support he needs by becoming ill, as he did when he was a child. >> [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] >> Hello. Oh, Jimmy, where are you? At the office. >> No, I'm sick. I had an awful night. Like, I'd eat a thing. >> Oh, Jim. What about that special job Mr. Aker wanted you to do? You said it'd have to be done today. Have you phoned him? >> No, not yet. I thought maybe you'd do that. >> Jimmy, I can't phone him. You'll have to. Well, yes. I'll call a doctor. I'll try to make an appointment for right after lunch so we can come back downtown together. Be ready and don't worry. Everything will be all right. >> [clears throat] >> Let me speak to Mr. Aker. No, wait. Is Mr. Hammond there? Hello, Art. This is Jim. Look, I tried to get Aker, but his line was busy. Would you tell him that? And tell him I'm sick and I've made an appointment to see the doctor. Oh, I don't know what it is, but I feel lousy. Well, thanks Art. >> He would like to, but he could not face the boss. He knows this, and it makes him miserable and angry at himself. And as to the boss's phone being busy, people who are upset as he is sometimes lie more to fool themselves than others, only to feel guilty afterwards. >> [music] >> Jim, you're not dressed. You know you're seeing the doctor at 2. >> 2:00? Why did you make it so early? >> Get dressed here. I'll get you some lunch. >> Oh, don't mention food. I could need a thing. >> Did you call Mr. Aer? >> Sure. Did you fix enough about that special job? >> Well, I couldn't do it. >> I said I had to see a doctor. >> How's everything at the office? >> Oh, all right. Very busy. You almost ready, dear? >> What tie should I wear, Marion? My gray suit. >> The tie is unimportant. What does matter is for people to concern themselves about it. >> Oh, anyone will do, dear. This one will be fine, dear. Thanks, Marian. Better hurry. We'll be late. Where's my wallet? >> Did you look in all your pockets? >> Certainly. >> Did you look in your other suit? >> Of course. >> Oh, Jimmy. >> Oh, come on. Let's go. Mr. Howard? >> Yes, I have an appointment with the doctor. >> They're a little late. >> Only a few minutes. >> Oh, it's all right, but there's someone with him now. He won't be long. Won't you sit down? >> Fine. I don't mind waiting. Would [music] [music] [music] you come in, please? [music] Come in, Mr. Howard. What can I do for you? Sit down. Well, doctor, I felt so awful when I got up this morning that I couldn't go to the office. I had some pretty important work to do, too. I've been working too hard lately. I think I'm pretty sick. >> What seems to be the trouble? >> Well, it's a lot of things. My stomach. I feel nauseated a good deal of the time. And I can't eat. And I don't sleep well at all. I don't feel rested. I'm tired all the time. Now today I egg all over and my heart. I couldn't have heart trouble at my age, could I? It races and I feel it throbbing in my ear. I've noted things down. I put off seeing a doctor for a long time, but I've kept track so you'd have the whole picture. >> Yes. >> Oh, yes. I get too many colds and a lot of heavy congestion. I thought I'd better make sure that my lungs are all right. These colds and this congestion and the pain from my sinus are pretty bad. I've missed a lot of work this year. I want to get back on my feet again. Now, let me put down what I need to know about you and then I'll give you a thorough physical checkup. We'll find out what's wrong with you. You can get dressed now. To feel strong, he has to be given things. He needs tokens of affection. If they are not offered, taking is sometimes better than having to ask. >> Well, how do I stand, doctor? Well, I've given you a thorough physical examination, and I'm glad to be able to tell you that there's nothing wrong with your heart or with your lungs or with your stomach. Of course, to make sure, I'll have some further tests done. But as machines, these organs are fine. >> It is not easy for everyone to grasp the idea that emotional conflicts can cause real illness. But so much of the illness a doctor sees is of that kind. James Howard must be made to understand that he is not unique, that always there are two causes for symptoms such as his. a history of emotional difficulties going far back and forgotten and some present cause that stirs up the old trouble disturbing the normal functions of the body. >> I think it it isn't the first time that you have been troubled in this way. >> No, it's a pretty regular thing. I wish it weren't. >> What about when you were younger? >> Well, as a kid, I was sick a lot. I missed quite a bit of school. I learned easily, so that didn't matter. But I spent quite a bit of time in bed being looked after by my mother and sister. >> How's my little Jimmy? >> Oh, fine. >> This poor little baby sick again. Mother, if you're too busy to help me with my homework, I'll go out and play baseball. >> His scorn is jealousy. He [music] would like this attention for himself. >> Never your mind, dear. Never mind that little stinker. Here, look. >> Here's your medicine, dear. >> Oh, I don't want it. >> A Come on, take it, sweetheart. It'll make you better. >> Your mother and sister were really much too concerned about your health. It was about this time that you had your tonsils up, wasn't it? Yes, I still remember that hospital. [music] Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, [crying] mommy. [music] It still bothers me. I dream about it. >> Of course, it bothers you. >> It can be a very harsh experience for a child of that age. But sometimes these things have to be done. Now, I want to know more about you. Could you be back on Friday at the same time? >> Why, yes, fine. But isn't there something I should take? >> No, not right away. >> Oh, maybe I should have a certificate for the office. >> I told him I had to see a doctor. Should I go back to work? >> Yes, I think you can. Goodbye. Well, Mr. Argent will call you and let you know about those tests. A prescription might have helped convince Jimmy's conscience of the reality of his illness. A certificate might have brought him the understanding attention of his boss. But in withholding them, the doctor has taken a positive step toward helping Jimmy to realize that he is able to stand on his own. >> James Howard, 25, married. No physical findings which could indicate organic disease. Half chest plate and gastrointestinal series done. Youngest child in family were other children were six, seven, and eight at his birth. The fact that he was born late and probably unwanted certainly has influenced his development. Further investigations of childhood necessary and latches. >> He had expected the doctor to protect and back him more because he feels that he is being let down. He will seek comfort where he can. Hi, Jim. >> Hello, Dennis. >> Hi, Jim. How are you? >> We're not so hot. Just came from the doctor's. >> That's all. You don't look so good. Sit down. Have a drink. >> Oh, I just have a glass of milk. >> My milkshake ready? >> Coming right up. What's the trouble? He doesn't know yet. Got to go back. I've been feeling awful lately. Pains all over. Headaches. Well, that's too bad, Jim. Better take it easy. How's the job? Hanging out for a while? >> Well, I should be there today. There was something down at the office the old man wanted me to do. Hit to let him down. >> Well, you're sick. >> Yes, I sure am. Excuse me a sec. I got to make a phone call. >> Got a nickel? >> Little things. The bill for a drink. A nickel. Not much. But because he takes them as his right, people sometimes resent him because he is disappointed and unhappy. Jimmy, like a child, turns, as a child, does to his mother as the only safe source of comfort and help. >> Hello, mother. Well, not so good. I've just come from seeing the doctor. Well, he's not sure yet. No, I'm not going to the office today. Just going to be there. I promised Marion I'd be home to dinner, but I can drop by your place on the way. Oh, I can get there by myself. All right. Okay. Pretty soon. Did you pay? Shouldn't have. Thanks, beautiful. That was my mother. Dennis wants to see me. I'll be seeing you soon, eh? So long. >> Well, dear, didn't he say what was wrong? Did he take any X-rays? >> Well, no, he didn't. He knows what he's doing. I did expect him to give me a prescription, though. Well, what you need is a little looking after. >> Hello there. Anybody home? >> Oh, there's your sister. >> Hello, mother. >> Hello, dear. >> How's the mother-in-law? >> Very well. >> How's my Jimmy? Now, you look wonderful, Jimmy. >> Well, he's not he's not well at all. He's just coming for the doctor to >> Jimmy. What's the matter? >> Well, he doesn't know yet. >> Guess what, mother? How's buy a new washing machine? >> Well, isn't that fine? You're very good to her. Jimmy, you're staying for dinner? Of course. Some of mother's good hot food will do your world good. >> Oh, no. I don't think I could eat a thing. Besides, >> now you mind, dear. Mother knows best. I'll marry it right away. At home, he has always found comfort, but at the price of never being allowed to be strong. He is vulnerable now because as a child, he was never allowed to face small frustrations and gain the experience, which makes us [music] able later to handle bigger ones. >> Oh, hello, Marian. Dear Jim is staying here at the dinner, dear. He was at the doctor's, you know. I'll give him a good hot dinner. So, don't you worry, dear. I'll look after him. >> Mother, I have his dinner all ready for him. Oh, all right. Goodbye. [music] Worrying over a long period of time can upset you just as much as a physical illness. We are built in such a way that if we get upset, we feel we're in a jam. Our body audly gets ready for action. The heart starts beating faster, the muscles tighten up, the stomach slows down, we breathe hard, and we sweat. Now, those changes are perfectly normal as long as they don't last too long. But if you're worried over a long period of time or even if you succeed in pushing those difficulties out of your mind without having solved them satisfactorily, then your heart may start pounding or you may start to get muscular aches and pains or indigestion or other discomforts which may leave no permanent damage but which make you feel just as sick. Now, in order to help you, we'll have to review your life right back to your childhood. Now, in doing this, you will yourself gain a better understanding of your reaction to people and things and how these reactions are responsible for your symptoms. Well, I know you said it would take time, and certainly I've been doing a lot better these last few weeks, but now everything's gone wrong again. Today, I feel as bad as I ever did. You're bound to have relapses, Jim. In this kind of treatment, you should expect them. You go forward, then back a bit. Altogether, I think you've gone forward a good deal. Now, what's happened? The incident itself was simple. His growing confidence led him to make an appointment to discuss a job of the kind he had always wanted and which with his real ability he could manage very [music] well. While he was waiting, he suddenly felt terrified without knowing why. >> Yes, Mr. Stone. >> Felt panicky all of a sudden. I knew I couldn't stay there. I had to say I had another appointment and couldn't wait. Couldn't face him. I felt trapped. I had to get out of that place. Then I felt ashamed. I felt the same way coming to your office. Angry, tight in my throat, afraid. I felt like a small child. I felt the same way with my father. I always wanted to be like him, to do the things he did. But he never took that trouble to help me learn. >> [music] >> No, no, Jimmy. You can't use my tools. You're too young. You don't know how to use them properly. I got so I was afraid of them. [music] [music] Now, do you see why it was so difficult to go in and see about that job? I don't think I'd be quite so scared about it next time. >> Oh, doctor. >> Marian and my sister want to talk to you about me. Would that be all right? >> That'd be fine, providing you agree. >> He nearly died at birth. Mother never got over the fear of losing him after not really wanting him in the first place. I think >> yes. >> She was too old and hadn't planned on having any more children. >> I'm afraid we treat him much the way your mother did. We've always more or less looked after him. >> Marian and I have been friends for years. That's how Jimmy met her. >> I see. >> Jimmy was awfully upset after father died. And Marian was good for him. I helped get along. >> Yes. >> We started going out together. I got him to take up golf. Although Marian protects him and leads him, she does so without robbing him of [music] self-esteem. And since he feels loved, he feels as though he has gained new freedom from the over anxious domination he has known at home. [music] >> We had marvelous times together. [music] We had to put the wedding off twice because he was sick. Nothing [music] serious now. I think he must have been afraid of getting married. [music] We've been very happy together except for Jimmy's sickness. And I know he hasn't liked his job. Except that I want to have babies. >> Of course, >> Jimmy loves children, other people's. I think he's afraid to have any of his own. You can help him by realizing that he is an adult full of capabilities. Don't treat him as a child. He may like it unconsciously, but you may be sure that he doesn't really want it and that he resents it. Encourage him rather to do things. Don't take over too much. Stand by him. Remember that he needs and wants to depend on himself. Pay more attention to his assets rather than to his flaws. He has many assets which deserve your respect, and he's a very capable man. As his treatment progresses, Jimmy becomes able by himself to free himself from the early fears and longings that have been such a crippling influence on his life. Timmy in his sewing circle. [music] >> The lack of understanding, support, and example from his father and too much protection from his mother and sister kept him from a boy's normal competitive games. [music] >> [music] >> A guy doesn't like to be called a >> I wasn't a Deprived of help and example, his mild attempts to gain strength were easily defeated by his unsympathetic brother and the other boys who could not understand his inner struggle. Home was the [music] only place of refuge from the disappointment of his failures. But he is losing his fear of being free. >> Here you are, mother. >> Now I want you both to come to dinner. I've made your roast pork for you, Jimmy, and lemon pie. >> That's swell, mother. Oh, I forgot. I told a couple of fellas we'd try to meet them at the hotel. It might be a lead on that agency job. >> You can see them again, dear. >> You go if you think you should, Jim. I'll stay with mother. >> Well, >> I'll phone you later. Have a good dinner. Goodbye. >> Goodbye. >> As yet, he can gain his independence only with assistance. Marian helps him to be free and protects his mother from feeling too much deserted. It's a good job and I like it. The kind of work I think I can do. >> Do you remember last week I was telling you about always wanting to go fishing with my father and he never would take me? >> Yes. I always hoped he'd take me, but he never did. >> Oh, please. >> Oh, Jimmy, you're too young. I'll take you sometime on your own. >> I had a dream the other night. I did go fishing with him, but it was all mixed up. [music] I was the fisherman with a hat full of flies and high boots and a tremendous fishing pole. [music] And my father was barefoot and was fishing with a stick and a bent pin and catching nothing. But I I caught a beautiful big silver fish. >> Don't rock the boat. [music] >> [music] [music] >> Well, I guess you want to be in your father's shoes. >> I guess maybe I do at that. >> Jimmy is less demanding now. He is more sure of himself and sufficiently at ease to enjoy the doctor's friendship. >> Well, I've got to get back to work. I'm leaving now, Mr. Hard, unless there's something you want me to do. >> No thanks. I'll be waiting for a while. >> Do you need cigarettes or anything? >> No thanks. I'll see you in the morning. Hello. >> Hi. >> Want eight? >> No. Be with you in a minute, dear. >> How's it coming today, Jimmy? >> Could be worse. >> Met your boss. He's nice. >> Well, he's all right, but don't let him take you in with this fancy talk. >> I guess I'll finish this tomorrow. Can't keep the wife waiting. No, >> Jimmy is on his way to better health. He has learned to respect himself and that discovery [music] has freed him from his overdependence on others. >> Hey, what are you trying to do? Kill me? >> Now satisfaction [music] in his own accomplishments comes from within himself. And with this new [music] strength, he can begin to give attention and affection to others. [music] >> [music]