Men’s Lives

[Music] the second division boat R and boat R you'll start from that position with your paddles up are you ready on your mark get set [Music] [Music] this is a film about men and boys but it's also about our lives will and I are in our early 20s now our hometowns are in the midwest like most men our age we're at that turning point in our lives where we're trying to find out what we want to do and how we're going to do it women have begun to redefine their role in society to question the choices they have but what choices are open to men growing up in America we decided to make a film reaching back into Boyhood we wanted to talk to the parents and teachers who helped form us as we grew we wanted to talk to other men and boys about their lives and feelings in other words we wanted to reexamine the roots of our masculinity many things we found weren't surprising Boys Still climb the same trees and walk down the same railroad tracks they dream the same dreams with their friends most of our memories were happy ones but we were surprised to find that while many things were the same now we see them [Applause] differently flag United States of America and to the for Nation God indivisible withy and justice for all I think that the uh children do model themselves after their parents or after someone that they're close to in what way well if they like somebody or they've seen them do something that that they like or if they bring home a lot of money this means a lot to kids too they really like to show off more than girls girls Giggle and the boys like to hit and grab the ball and make the girl squeal I think they sort of like to boss maybe I like it this when they get older girls are we boys playball we don't want to play um like um yeah we don't want to play Girls dolls and [Music] stuff are there any guys around here you say that he's a he's a he's a [Music] Bobby Smith is a sister because every time you look around he's playing with girl would you rather be a boy or a girl a boy how come well you know I watch these movies screams about uh tars and the N you know they just scream out and that's all you think you think it's it's harder being a girl than it is a boy yes why boys get to do more things to girls they get to climb trees and you know cut the grass and everything girls AR supposed to do that kind of stuff no I don't get to do it why my dad wouldn't let me I think men do more work than ladies cuz they got to go out and work and lift up stuff and all they's got to do sit down clamp a little around the house and they eat and have fun and stuff like men go out working all night and all day and stuff and all they do is go out play I think girls do more work than men do cuz they work clothes and cook and set the table men don't appreciate it they just lay down and just let the girls do all the work around the house yeah why why would you rather be a girl than a guy then cuz I wouldn't like to go down to a hot Factory I think the boy's the bread winner maybe I expect more out of the boys than I do the girls maybe that's it as I was growing up a lot was expected of me because I was a boy the adults around me often use words like Breadwinner I knew I had to prove myself like most guys the two of us look to the Future as an exciting time when we could do all of the things we dreamed about but how were we we going to get there we knew that outwardly we had to act confident even if we felt small and insecure something else you got wasar when we looked at ourselves in the mirror we somehow never quite measured up to the men in the magazines while girls read comics of love and romance we read of superheroes who battled for power comparing ourselves to their Rippling biceps and quick intellect they were handsome strong cool the Saturday mat a and the TV we watched played an important part in answering our questions how is a man supposed to act what is a man supposed to be at all she got a nice Bud she's got a bu that would fit in just about any centerfold you want to mention that's good huh it's very good you are a super cool dude out there on the floor you seem never to show any emotions seems as though nothing ever bothered you and you never get upset do you does anything ever bother you do you ever get upset on the floor I think inwardly I am you know I get very excited but facially I I show no expression uh this is just a psychological thing we ever met before no then what's our quarrel no quarrel they say you're faster than me the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat then the winners of all three of those will participate for the title of the most perfectly developed man Mr Universe tar 2 10 and N join on me for straing run we have arrived [Music] [Applause] [Music] my father he likes to go fishing and stuff like that well boxing sometimes on TV and and I like dancing and you know I don't think he would and I like gymnastics and you know he's never been in it or anything I think he just sort of wants me to do what I want to do but he'd rather have me be something like a lawyer how do your parents feel about dancing well they wouldn't laugh at me you know and really get real sarcastic but you know I'm still a little embarrassed about it and I'm not I'm not sure how they'd react like when I dance for the variety show in other places um you know you hear someone backstage will say did you hear the guys out in the audience you know hollering stuff and things like that and so I think that you know the people that are watching the film or whatever they all think the same thing and you know that sort of it sort of got me down think that you know it's or something like that why why do you think that they feel that way I mean the people who'd be watching the film because it's not the so-called um typical masculine thing to do but you know at school at home you know you're under pressures you know do the masculine things now I just think that a man is someone who stand up for what he thinks is Right regardless of what other people think people ever ever in that you're homosexual yeah you know when you're dancing or something you know you hear that a lot why do you think that that's associated with dancing well because you see a guy you know and he's so free and loose he's not real big like a football player you know he's not trying to kill someone something like that [Applause] go [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] why do you like the game I like the kill I like to play football I like to kill the opponents you know when they come running that sh tear the head off what you like just that's the game of football yeah game where you just you know Kill Everybody [Applause] why do you want to kill them either you kill them or they kill you you think the other team feels that way too I don't know [Music] probably what do you want to do when you get out of high school go to college and I'm playing football in college yeah why cuz I want to get to College by a scholarship [Music] [Music] Sports especially for blacks it always been a way of U getting out of the out of the ghetto out of the Trap that you're in you know even though you as as a child you you not you don't consciously you think of that I'm going to be a basketball player so I can get out of the ghetto it's like you Jim Dunn is an author and social researcher who teaches at Antioch College Jim has worked with men and boys of all ages and from different econ IC backgrounds it's like you're getting this double message all the time growing up you know on the one hand you're hearing um Put Your Shoulder to the wh and work hard and you can leap all the hurdles become president someday uh and if you don't do that it's because something's wrong with you okay then on the other hand you're meeting up with all of these forces what do you think you're going to be like when you're a man um being that responsible to if I have a house to keep the rent paid and all the work around it done everything you know and keep the gas going and if I had a house keep it paid for the car and all that keep them clean and everything keep myself neat and everything so what happens is um you say okay I am somebody you know and I want the world to know that I am somebody so when you're going up one of the things that you need is to be seen you know so if you have like the sharpest car on the Block you know Superfly the hog you know the big Cadillac with a big gangster White Walls and a big hat turned you know it's the same thing it was really about being seen when I get big I wish to have wish I have pretty blue car my own with you know and a pretty blue Cadillac and like for it to be clean all the time keep it clean as I can you know all the time reason why I want one of these so you know people think more about me think more of me that you know think that keep take care if I take care of my car then know I'll take care of myself and everything I'm not be clean they see my car and they see me clean you know there know that I have money and everything somebody sees you driving down the road in one of these machines they look at it and they they think well they actually really it seems like they know that it just took you a lot of time and effort to put it together and wow that guy must really be something to have all that in the pal of his hand and be able to drive it around and show it off I don't know I really like it cuz it makes me feel masking you get a lot of looks from the girls and a lot of looks from everybody it gives me a lot of Satisfaction Just to drive around and have people look at me and laugh at me and wave at me even the older people they they sort of look and smile and shake their head a little bit like and uh sort of Amazement you know God that kid right there is driving that car what about girls I don't know they like it they'd like to hop in it and go around and ride for riding the block drive down the r Road and there's a see girls walking up and down the road and they look at you smile at you and wave at you and they do all sorts of things I don't know maybe maybe they just think that it gives you strength or something to handle a car like that and then you come into the dating and you're going steady and so forth and some of you do and some of you don't today again you get into the the whole cost and you girls of course you got it made there bu fell he's stuck again he's going to have to get the car and he's going to have to to pay the bills or furnish the transportation movies and the hamburgers and so for should he pay for all of this or should some uh some of you help should you split it thank Mr wisman teaches classes in Health and Social living at Springfield South High School as head basketball coach it's part of his job to develop a winning team it is his respons responsibility to prepare young men for the real world that lies ahead the man is still going to have to be the one primarily responsible for being able to give things that are needed within the family and I'm talking about not the love and this thing but the the financial obligation I still think the the primary burden is on his shoulders and consequently he's going to have to try uh to prepare himself so when he does go out that he can be able to meet this obligation that he has all right you go out and whatever it is you do you do the best that you can to your ability and you're competitive in what you're doing then consequently this individual I think is going to end up in life being a success uh it's the same thing as a young boy or girl sitting in a classro and can be satisfied with receiving a a failing grade I think this is a failure I think if anyone can say whatever it is that they're participating in if they lose and it doesn't bother them then I think they're going to be basically a failure just take over one ball does it all T over you pick it out let's hit none of us wanted to be failures like the other guys I wanted to be successful to compete and to win most of the guys we met were working hard at being men being tough being seen being right having money adolescence was a difficult time for us it was really all about proving yourself watching out teddy bears for love affairs alligators for your sweet potatoes watch him now here goes one going to do it to it a come on you got to hit [Music] him then came the most difficult test women anxiously we wanted their approval we didn't really know what to do but could show it no matter how insecure we felt we somehow weren't supposed to hesitate we were expected to take the lead [Music] then came the pressures to have sex why was virginity for girls something to be protected while for us it was considered a burden how many of us lied about our sexual relationships to prove ourselves to our friends we always felt the pressure to be getting it and we weren't to be looking for it women then became objects something to be had there's basically two types of girls here or two groups you can put them in two groups this type girls looking for like the quit pickup you know and go back have your night in the room and everything and forget it and then there's the other type of girl who is probably a freshman who is looking for a guy to have for the whole year you know like on a steady basis all right those are two types I'm looking for the quick pickme up no no [Music] no all the girls in my floor we felt like cattle you know we walked down the steps from up up in the union and the guys were just standing there in a complete line writing down names and asking questions and stuff and completely raiding you but the Freshman The Freshman guys you didn't see any freshman guys doing that yes I did all the Freshman guys were just as nervous they'd all stand in groups they say God you know should I go over there there I had one guy walk up to me and say hi what's your name do you want to go to bed with me and I had other guys that walk up and they say do you want to go out and now they just ask you all different types of things but they start out with how do you like Wittenberg are you a freshman you want to go see my room you want to go see my room no I'm serious I'm really serious that's what happens well I'm serious too and and until they find out what type of person you are they'll push for that I guess this interview is pointless and because that's why I'm here to get a girl to go to bed with me I try I TR I but I I can't get well you got to you know they've got to can't just come up and say sure you know I'll go go off with you or something you know to do whatever it doesn't have to be sex you got to play a little games and you know get to know him and that be Sly and they've got to play the games too cuz that's what Society wants and you know like they can't just jump right at it or if they do you know then they they get a bad reputation so they've got to sort of play it cool and hold off and guess the guys just have to try to put the line on as many as they can hoping they get [Music] one what was it we were looking looking for in our relationships with the opposite sex was it a feeling of superiority or sharing feelings of tenderness and respect looking back it seems the quantity of our relationships was more important than the quality of the feelings we found with a woman how many of us felt inadequate when compared to Joe namoth Hugh Hefner or the guy down the street who claimed he scored with every woman he dated why do so many magazines and so much of media promote the ideal male as being being cool and unemotional as someone who doesn't need other people and how do these ideas affect the satisfaction we might find in a relationship with a woman for the two of us our Boyhood and our adolescence are memories Society expects us to settle down and assume the adult male role we can no longer play at being men now the serious business of Life Begins how will our manhood be measured and what kind of life do we have to look forward to I pronounce that your husband and wife together man has to be the provider he has to be the Hunter he has to be the one that goes out and fills the family ler if you prefer he's the one that makes sure that the kids get enough shoes to get to school he pays the bills Bob qule is a talkmaster at radio station wavi in Dayton on his show people power he can potentially reach an audience of 1 and a half million we heard words like his when we were boys and today as men we still hear them man goes out and he gets a job and he's competing with someone else he's competing with someone else for a better job once he gets that better job if he's any kind of a man at all he gets out there and he decides that this isn't good enough he wants to get a better job a man has a specific goal and the goal is the dollar sign do you think this competition is good yes oh no question about it because throughout life we're competing with each other there has to be competition without competition uh there's nothing if you win then you're a better person than someone else it's been this way since time began it's been a struggle since this country started for for a man to get to the place to where he feels secure you know everybody wants security and I don't know just quite how you ever get it but one nice way to have is you know is to have a lot of money and the more money you have well the more secure you are that's the American way Gerald Carpenter works at Dayton tire and rubber his paycheck goes towards supporting his family in most families in America the male is the primary bread winner there are 70 million working men in this country who despite their differences in jobs and salaries whether their color is blue or white have much in common their combined labor keeps this country moving you know you're always wondering is it worth it you know is putting up with this craap every day really worth it regardless of how different it is from day to day it's still a repetitive thing they just want my labor you know that's all not much more primarily I'm just an investment you know it's how much they invest to me is to how much I can earn back for them I don't think they care what emotions satisfies you I think they're concerned with what'll pacify it they're concerned with as the job I'm on making the most for the company that they could be making from my time you know they don't sit around at these board meetings and talk about you know how are we going to be really effective in making things better for the whole world you know unless there's some way to make something out of it now before we get too far off into that field I remember now I'm just a working man I I don't understand all that goes on I don't don't ask me how they do it don't ask me why they do it you know I don't I don't know if if I could tell I don't know anybody in that position you know so I can only tell you how it looks to me you know from what I'm able to sit back and and see [Applause] oh well that make me way down [Applause] [Applause] [Music] sure it's 11:00 yeah I'm grabing get the hell out of [Music] here I keep my nose on the grindstone work hard every day I might get a little tired on the weekend after I draw my page I'll go back working long as my two hand are bit to use I'll drink my beer in a Tavern sing a little bit of these Working Man Blues here comes that working man well ever since he's worked there it's been six and seven days you know so he's you know working almost every day you know a lot of times I'd like it to be just five days but nowadays you can't even live on 5 day week schedule you know times you know you're glad to get the money but the money doesn't make up for the time lost Beverly do you ever think of going out and perhaps getting a job to work to help Gerald out in a certain way he'd rather I didn't work why do you think he'd rather well he thinks the Woman's Place is in the home no I I I think my wife's place is in the home that's you know because uh well that's just the way I feel you know I think there's just too many things that a woman with children has to do should do and she can't doing she can't split her time up that way you you know uh I'm not going to go work 10 12 hours and come home and scrub floors yeah I'm just not going to do it now maybe that's the the thing to do now but I'm not going to do it you know just flat not going to the way it should be is that man first of all should be the one who makes the final decision because man is more or less involved with the financial aspect of uh keeping his family going it's the woman's job to help support the man by that I mean backup support I think it's sad where they are trying now to reverse roles that have been spelled out in history I'll go back to the Bible First there was Adam then from the rib of Adam came starting way back you know you have a situation where most men I'm conditioned to believe they are the authority to begin with uh as relates to the family to the woman that the man sees himself as needing to be in control on top of the situation you can't be on top at the job you find some place where you can be on top you know and you can always find someplace where you be on top even if you go to the store and buy buy a dog and kick the dog's ass you can always find some place where you can be on top you know um and that comes out of insecurity the need to be on top comes out of insecurity you know and comes out of of a competitiveness because see there's really no such a thing as the top that's an illusion there may be no such thing as the top but as men we've been encouraged to gain a sense of importance by feeling that we are in a better position than someone else but what is the price of this self-importance what type of insecurities does this make men feel always having to strive to the top we decided that the best person to talk with about this subject would be someone who talks with men of all ages and knows their innermost feelings he is not a psychiatrist Jim kler has been a barber for 26 years he told us that for many men the only time they got any touching was when they came to a barber I find that the they'll open up in this 20 minute that it takes to cut their hair that they will tell us that many things they W even tell their father Confessor perhaps their relationship at home their response to their job or their Foreman superintendent or what have you what do you think gives most of the men who come in ego satisfaction a man will tell you about his promotion and thrill in his job and maybe for vain reasons and he'll tell you his pension size of his pension check and material possessions I think what do you think it means to succeed well you have goals set up um each individuals depending on what their uh goals happen to be I hope to be able to give my wife and my family the higher standard of living will'll save if we want to drive a new car we want to live in a $20,000 home this is what I'm striving for and if you reach these goals uh although it takes a lot of work then I think you've been successful they'll invariably tell you about that new car they purchased for home and describe it in great detail the size and the is a Decor you know the new shag carpet through out or the size of their freezer and do you think most of them have feel satisfied with what they've done in their life no no I don't find satisfaction in most people really I don't most men in this Society really see them themselves as failures you know and the reason is and it's a competitive thing again because always there always someone down the street who has a nicer car you know has an extra room you know in their house so they strive to be better than that person only to find that there's someone around the corner you know who has two Ka and both of them are nicer than their you know and so out of that comes the frustration and a sense of failure and I wasn't too satisfied with what I was doing for a long while U well let me say I wasn't I wasn't it wasn't so much what I was doing as to what I wasn't doing there was some things that I wanted to try to do and uh I just didn't have the courage I guess to go ahead and just do it I wasn't too satisfied with the living I was making in a factory I thought I should be able to do better I'd come home with things on my mind I don't know how B put up with me sometimes and you asked me earlier if I drank and I do and sometimes too much [Music] there [Music] I don't think men ever let other men get to know them that well I think with men sometimes it's considered a a weakness to to let your emotions get the best of you like that or to even let some things bother you about the only time I think a man really seriously discusses his emotions is if he's lucky enough to have an awful close friend or he talks about him to a woman I think if a man can you know can get to a point where he can say really truly he has one friend that's about all he's you know that's about all I can expect do men seem to talk about friendships the same way as they remember them when they were young boy that's a good question I wonder how friendly you are with the men you've worked beside for 25 years what do you think about the way men relate to to each other on what level do you think they appreciate sh sh well I think they're probably be frightened open up for fear reflect their on their manhood or or lack of maleness perhaps they're afraid of intimacy I think Express expressing their deeper thoughts why do you think that men tend to hide their emotions well I suppose this goes back to some of our old ideas that a man doesn't get emotional at least outwardly because if he does why he's a and all of this and that which is a no real reason for it except somebody tagged this uh connotation to it a long time ago and here he is still stuck with it I think inwardly probably the man is maybe more emotional really than a woman but he doesn't Express them how how do you feel um well when was the last time you cried long time ago I guess uh I don't know I I said that men have the emotion I suppose now I'm and not from the standpoint of the the he I'm not an emotional individual I don't cry I don't think they want to express their true emotions and I've dealt with some of these people for many many years true I'm for the liberation of all mankind that's a broad statement I know we should all be free to make our what exercise our options as they say but I don't think the majority of people have the opportunity to exercise options and choices for economic reasons for one and uh fear for [Music] change but how do we show we're real and what is male and female we talk about persons now and uh we're getting away from the sexist symbols I know with my boy I kiss and hug him and tell him I love him and I don't think this will affect his mess at all [Music] the more I talk with the men in this film The Closer I felt to them that's probably because we have so much in common but I can see that many men aren't at all satisfied with their lives I found that much of traditional masculinity is destructive and I want to change my life but I've come to realize that Society enforces this type of manhood and I know that changing personally is not enough I keep thinking of Gerald's words when he said that Society isn't set up to satisfy us I think that's true but then what is it set up for and why are these destructive roles perpetuated I believe it's because an aggressive competitive profit oriented Society requires this type of [Music] man but do we really want this kind of society we don't feel it's in our interest to live this way but it is in our interest to change it [Music] a [Music]