Kevin Rooney on Tonight Show Johnny Carson 1980s KCST San Diego

November the 10th through the 15th. Would you welcome Kevin Rooney? Kevin. [music] >> Thank you. [applause] Thanks folks. Thanks very much. How are you? Good. >> Good. Uh, how many people thought when I first came out here tonight, oh no, my dad. How funny could this be? I'm not really that old. I just look older cuz I'm going bald. Uh, you know, it's the funny thing about going bald. Don't think you're going bald when you see yourself from the front. It's not until you catch a glimpse of the back of your head. One of those like 7-Eleven thief mirrors. You know what is that? An egg in a nest. What is that thing? [laughter] See, now Joe Joe Biden obviously never saw the back of his head or he wouldn't even bother to run for president. See, bald guys bald guys don't get to be president. You You don't get to be president for a lot of reasons. Little reasons like Dukakus. I don't like the sound of that. [laughter] So, the Democrats are in trouble. Of course, the Republicans had a tough year, too, didn't they, with the Iran Contra hearings. You know, see, I didn't mind what they did so much. It was the excuses, right? Like when we first caught them with the arm seal, the president comes out and he says, "Well, you know, we only gave the Iranians weapons to uh help them stop fighting that war over there." Boy, there's a clever plan, huh? Give the Iranians weapons to help them stop fighting. Why don't we just give fat guys free cake for life? Help them lose weight. [applause] So, of course, of course, nobody bought that. So, we had to come out with a new excuse. A couple weeks later, comes back out and says, "Well, you know, on the other hand, we didn't really give the Iranians anything they could fight with, just replacement parts for helicopters and stuff like that." Now, you know, the Iranians, anything we give them, they're going to fight with it. You know, we could drop him off a boatload of used pintos. [laughter] They'd be backing them into a rack the next day like, you know, [applause] and of course the thing was everything happened last year. It wasn't just the Iran thing. Same time that happened, had Hassenfuss trapped down there in Nicaragua. That was great. Hassenfuss, you know, you could tell from his name he was going to screw that whole thing up. You want to just get a guy named Doofus carry bombs around Mos. [applause] Now, how do you how do you explain this guy? Here's a guy. This chucklehead takes an entire plane load full of weapons, crashes right into another country, just right in there. So, of course, they arrest him, put him in jail. What does the president say? Hey, they framed him. How did they frame him? Was he camping there one night? Somebody snuck up, crashed a plane around him. He he'd just hop up the next day. Where did this junk come from? [laughter] [applause] I thank you. Now see [applause] the thing. Now his own excuse was unbelievable. See the Nicaraguans put him on trial, you know, and he says, "Well, I'm sorry I invaded your country, but I was unemployed." Unemployed. The last time I went to unemployment, I got a check. I didn't get a bag of grenades with a map on it. >> [applause] >> Yeah. See, the thing about it's just so discouraging now, doesn't it seem like no matter who you put in the White House, sooner or later it's just one thing after another, disappointments? I mean, couldn't we just have a king? You know, you know, couldn't the Disney people make something? Hello. Hello. Hello. [applause] So sad. Now, see, it's just so hard. And it's hard to be president. You have tough people to deal with. The Russians, they scare you guys at all? >> No. General apathy about the Russians. And yet, this whole Contra thing is about Russians getting us, right? You ever wonder how this was going to work? Apparently, this little group of Nicaraguans, poorly armed with Russian pistols and a bag of dried nuts, going to hike up through Guatemala, Mexico, and attack us. Now, I can't wait till they get to Texas, find out what kind of weapons we can buy over the counter in this country. >> [applause] >> You know, they uh they get to Texas, find out every guy down there has 15 M16s in a bazooka in the basement, [laughter] 700 lb of meat in the freezer, 10 cases of cores in the living room. They're going to attack his ranch house. Good luck getting in there. [applause] You know, then people say, "Hey, you know, hey, they might have given him tanks, you know. Hey, the Russians might give them tanks. You know, I don't care how good a Russian tank is, how big it is, they'll never catch 15 heavily armed rednecks in a Cadillac Elderorado. >> [applause and cheering] >> Yeah. So now we're now we're working on a nuclear treaty with the Russians. An arms treaty. Yeah. I think you ask any American Indian, he'll tell you. Treaty. Yeah. Good idea. You got to have one of [laughter] those. [applause] See, I I guess people worry about nuclear war, you know, but I don't worry about nuclear war really. As bleak as it gets, I cuz I saw the day after. You know, all that happens is everybody goes bald. You see? Yeah. [applause] See, the way I figure it, there's a blinding flash of light. I got a new France.