John Witherspoon on David Letterman 1980s KCST San Diego

HELLO, NEW YORK, THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD. [cheering] >> I'm happy to be in New York, man. They crazy in California. Shooting people on the highway just because you're going slow and they never shoot my black butt. [laughter] I drive 150 mph. Hey, buddy. The nuts and killers. They got so many killers in California and they call them serial killers. What the hell? I know about a serial killer. I thought it was about some damn cornflakes or something. And the news media give them names. The slasher, Zodiac Killer, the trash bag killer, the heelstat strangler. There's a rapist in California named Stinky. Isn't that amazing? Stinky [laughter] scared me to death. I was putting gas in my car, self-service gas station, 3:00 in the morning, looking around for the slasher. I PUT $55 WORTH OF GAS IN MY DAMN CAR. [laughter] gas all on my damn gym shoes. And I hate a self-service gas station. Don't you hate a self-service gas station? >> You know what? I hate myself when I go in a self-service gas station. I give myself the worst service in the world. [laughter] I don't check my oil. I don't wash my windows. I hate myself. And I talk to myself. You going to CHECK YOUR TIRES? HELL NO. I GOING TO CHECK MY TIRES. YOU CHECK YOUR TIRES. [laughter] And there's a big sign when you pull into a self-service gas station to insult everybody. Pay before you pump, you thief. [laughter] People are nuts. Michael Jackson want the bones of the elephant man. [laughter] Ain't that a And he offered a million dollars for the bones of the elephant man. Man, for a million dollars, I'd have found him the hunt back of Notre Dame. [applause] And as a bonus, I'd have thrown in the bones of my great great great great grandfather, Couta Kanesh. Bones of the elephant man. He probably woke up one morning. Give me the bones of the elephant man. [cheering] [applause] THE BONES OF THE ELEPHANT MAN. [laughter] He better be satisfied with a bucket of chicken bones and shut [laughter] the bone of THE ELEPHANT MAN. >> [laughter] >> BUT IT NEVER FAILS when I come to New York, I see something I've never seen in my life. I was at Madison Square Garden and I saw a group called the Five Satin Scene, God Bless America, in front of the Lakers, the Knickers. What is it? Nikabachers. >> Nickerbachers. Man, these cats were proud. 6' 6 in tall, 250 lbs each. In front of 20,000 people, they had pink suits on, special shoes. They call these aquarium shoes. glass heels with water and fish swimming in the bottom. Catfish. They had a bottle of hot sauce in the top pocket. They going to sing that. God bless America. Their shirts are open to open all to the neighbor with copper colored tow truck chains wrapped around them. [laughter] And I have never heard God bless America started off like this man. They were so cool when they came out there. Boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom. A God bless America. Land that I love. [laughter] Stand beside her and guide her through the night with the light from above. Boom boom boom boom boom boom. 45 minutes gone past. Boom. The people got mad and said, "WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE? [laughter] WE SHOULD BE IN THE SECOND QUARTER BY NOW." Boom boom boom. And then they started to introduce himself. My name is Larry. I'm Aquarius. [applause] I love America, although I'm not from here. >> [laughter] >> I'm from Chicago. >> GOD BLESS YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [applause and cheering] >> [music]