John Mendoza on Tonight Show Johnny Carson 1980s KCST San Diego

[music] [applause] Hi, how are you? >> Great. In a real obnoxious mood tonight. One of those moves where you want to walk behind a bald man and go wax on, wax off. Friend of mine lost his contacts the other day. I hate people wear contacts. They lose them and they think it's your job to find them. [laughter] I lost my contacts. Help me. Take a hike. You bought tiny glasses. You find them. Why don't you strap a rubber band around your head? No. Help me. Yeah, let me get my tap shoes. I'll be right back. It's getting the end of tourist season here. Realized I don't make a good tourist. Went to Disneyland. This guy came up and said to me, "Hey, would you take a picture of me and my family?" I said, "No. You're all ugly. >> I went on Space Mountain. Anyone been on Space Mountain? >> Stupidest ride I've ever been on in my life. 80 mph in a closet. I did this in the 60s, but I saw colors. [applause] People say it's scary. It's not scary. It's stupid. >> You know what scary is? Scary is when you're a week late and you owe $10,000 to a guy named Dominic. [laughter] I'm going to get even with these people. I'm going back to Disneyland next week by myself. Get on the ride. Go all the way around. When the attendant pulls the bar back, I'm going to go. You know, there was two of us on it when it started. You know what the abbreviation for July is? J U L. You've got to be in a hurry. [applause] I'm over 30, so I don't have to be good at sports anymore. It's interesting. like 15, 16 years old, you die for the ball. Now when I play softball, the ball's 5t that way, 5t that way. It's a home run. Tried snow skiing, didn't like that a whole lot. So hard getting that boat up the hill. [applause] I skydive. I went skydiving in Atlanta. One of the guys that went skydiving was blind. It was great. You ever hear a German Shepherd scream at 10,000 ft? [applause] [applause] [laughter] >> Marriage Marriage. People get married, they get stupid real quick. Their brain gets sucked right out of their head. [laughter] You ever talk to married couples? Ask them a simple little question. Have to look at each other before they can answer you. [applause] You got the brain tonight? I don't have the brain. Men get stupider quicker than women do. Men are married about 6 months. They can't even dress themselves anymore. >> [applause] >> Honey, does this tie go with my underwear? People get married, they stay married for like 40, 50 years. It amazes me. I wonder what the hell they talk about. What do you want to do today? Kill you. [applause] Tell me about your mother's arthritis one more time. Kids. People have kids. I hate kids. They're like old people with energy. My brother came over my house the other day. His one-year-old daughter's a little human weeble. After a half hour watching his kid smack her head up against furniture, I put her in the bathtub and greased the sides. Saw a new James Bond movie the other day. Didn't like that a whole lot. My all-time favorite movie was Alfred Hitchcock movie, The Birds. So did my older brother. We got home that night. I went to bed. He open up all the windows and pour croutons on me. [music] [music] [applause] >> [cheering]