I RATHER LIKE YOU MR. BELL

e [Music] hello Bob newart oh hi hi there Mr Bell no no no sir I didn't say that I just said the invention wasn't perfect well as a matter of fact it isn't a telephone at all it's just that some people have trouble knowing how to use it but no no Mr B I rather like you as a matter of fact no no I like the telephone I I think it's much better than than those other inventions much better than dental floss and padded gopost much better than paper bikinis much better steem karies yes Mr Bell well thank you Mr Bell Goodbye Mr Bell that uh that was Alex I I promised him I'd tell you about the his telephone it's it's really a remarkable invention you know not only does it make it possible to talk to just about anybody anywhere anytime but it can also take a a mild maned accountant from Chicago and transform him into a mild mannered sort of celebrity like me I mean George Burns has his cigar and uh Jack Benny has his violin me I've uh I've got the telephone the whole Bell system is a straight man but you don't have to be a comedian to get the telephone going for you it can be a profitable tool for anybody and that's what this film is all about to show you how you can increase the effectiveness of your telephone service by following a few simple procedures but as you you probably guess we're going to have a little fun with it with the help of the Bob newart ring aing and Historical [Music] Society we're going to uh pretend that the telephone has always been around and we're going to recreate some of history's most colossal flops oops and then we're going to see how things might have been different if proper telephone procedures had been followed um excuse me a minute I'm expecting a call from Nick the Greek spy who lived at the time of the Trojan War hello Bob newart hey Nick yeah what's what's up I I should be aware of Greeks bearing what Greeks bearing gifts why why why should I do that Nick be because of the giant horse it's how big it's able to LEAP the Colossus erods in a single bound and and it has what in its stomach a bunch of guys with sharp Spears that that kind of explains how it's able to to LEAP the Colossus of roads in a single bound what what what are the soldiers doing in the hores stomach Nick they're going to sack it to Troy how are they going to do that Nick they're they're going to hide in the horse and when the horse is inside the city they're they're going to sneak out and burn and pillage and and Rec Havoc it won't it won't work Nick well well the guards will see him I mean a bunch of guys with with sharp sticks climbing out of the stomach of a giant horse kind of kind of catches the eye why why won't the guards see the soldiers coming out of the horse they're they're going going to sneak out the back and all the Trojan guards will be looking the gift horse in the mouth okay Nick yeah I I I'll give him a call now uh now let's see how things uh might have worked out if uh the Trojans had been warned about the Greek strategy you know it's uh it's easier and faster if you uh try to look the numbers up in your directory before before you [Music] [Applause] [Music] call good morning Trojan defense Ministry who's in charge of preventing the sack of Troy by a giant horse oh that would be anti- Calvary just a moment I'll connect you a some nut with a story about a giant horse that can leap the Colossus of roads in a single bound how many times have you done that you cover the phone with your hand to say something you didn't want heard on the other end of the line well it doesn't work so you can start being embarrassed about all those times you've done it sound will travel through the receiver as well as the [Music] transmitter anti-cavalry Chief speaking speak now forever hold your [Laughter] horses a giant horse full of guys with sharp Sticks no no you don't want me you want SLB R and C that's scaling latters battering rams and catapults Operator Operator give this man SL v r and C or maybe DM and D that division of Moes and dungeons Mister maybe you recognize this as is the first stages of the great Olympic transfer game now whether it's an insurance agency a bank a department store or the Trojan defense Ministry when a caller get shuttled from one Department to another it's like saying we don't know who's in charge of what to the guy on the other end of the line it makes it seem like your organizational chart must look something like a confetti omelet nothing travels faster over the telephone line than the reflection of disorganization so unless that's the image you want to reflect make sure that your calls are transferred to the right people the first time it might save a contact a client a customer or even Troy you know it's the little things like from the little Stak corn the Mighty Oak Tree Grows and some of the little things we do wrong would be so easy to correct crazy little things like uh [Music] good morning Trojan defense Ministries just a moment I'll connect you Mr deasy's office yes yes he's here just one moment please it's for you Mr detin [Music] h Hello Shing little things like talking with a mouthful of cigars or Pebbles or gum or Guppies or not holding the phone close to your mouth but uh but not too close like like this or or shouting like this always try to speak in your normal voice as naturally as possible after all the name of the game is communication so you see it's the simple things we most often do wrong for instance uh well like not answering your own telephone General Washington the situation is looking absolutely Grand better than I had ever dreamed General I believe that the Revolutionary War will be terminated by week's end about the only thing that could stop us now was treason some treasonable act from within then you have nothing to fear General but fear itself so would you get that for me [Music] Benedict see what I mean I can't emphasize enough how important it is to answer your own telephone not only can It shorten Wars it also eliminates all sorts of misunderstandings and mixups and it's a courtesy the caller appreciates if you answer your own phone you're always on top of the situ ation here's another important Point whatever business you're in when answering the telephone think about the person calling what kind of identification would be most helpful to him excuse me hello Bob newart call calling from where Jericho yep put him on hey hey s how are you s i I can't hear you for all the racking what what that's all the noise Jericho is under siege how how big an army sa SE seven guys they're they're running around the walls with a what they they've got trumpets you uh you've been nipping at the old goat skin again sa you say they're blowing the trumpets what why are you going to put me on hole South the walls are what sa sa sa and you know what happened old just committed one of the classic telephone Goofs he left the line without explaining why now why couldn't you have just said excuse me Bob but the walls of Jericho are tumbling down and I've got to put you on hole for a minute it's like when you're when you're talking to someone face to face you never walk away without giving him a reason so if you must leave the line always say what again it's it's just a matter of simple courtesy another thing if you're going to be away from your office for a while always leave word where you're going and when you'll be back how often have you seen this scene played good morning Trojan defense Ministry no sir he isn't no sir I don't no sir he didn't no sir I haven't no sir we don't see how foolish it makes the poor secretary seem now let's uh let's try another office [Music] mom and Van winkl and Sons off seasonal farming Wells dried up and crops ploud under no no Mr Van Winkle's not in at the moment went up to the cat skills to whoop it up with a bunch of elves sometimes the truth sounds kind of strange I mean if you want to play golf or bend an elbow or go bowling with a bunch of elves well you you don't have to say that but do say something and do say when you're expected back again it's good business and common courtesy and it's amazing how of those two things go together now if everybody thinks everybody already knows how to use a telephone watch the new heart wringling players prove everybody wrong [Applause] friends friends Our Moment of Truth has come it is time to put our philosophy to the test tomorrow the lady gadiva Society for the pursuit of Justice through Showmanship will act we've tried everything stins marches letter because nothing has brought results so if the taxes in Coventry are not lowered by tonight then tomorrow I shall ride be back through the streets as my husband dared [Music] me now we shall give them one last chance I shall call my husband the Lord of Coventry and give him one last opport opportunity to lower this awful awful tax Miss SM telephone please thank you place a call to my Lord try to contact him before he leaves the office now anybody who doesn't place his own call is saying one of two things either I never did learn how to use the telephone or he's saying I'm more important than you are see my secretary can get you on the phone and you're going to have to wait until I'm getting ready to talk to you now that's groovy if that's what you want to say I mean if you want to put down your boss or a client or a customer this is the Ace number one way to do it and often the communications battle that follows is something awful to see you could call it the great secretarial holy war you know where neither one wants to put her boss on first good morning leick Earl of Mera and Lord of Coventry in the reign of Edward the confessor's office Miss Stone Hello dou Lord cantry there I ring the Lord of covantry you may put Lady Godiva on the line right to is the Lord of centry on the line the lady God lord of centry Lady goal Lord a centry well you can see where this is going can't you I'll I'll spare you any more of that though and it could all have been avoided if lady gadiva would have had the courtesy and the good sense to call her own husband to place her own call a simple mistake like that can destroy a beautiful business relationship it can also destroy the Tranquility of a nice peaceful place like Coventry but let's suppose lady gadiva would have placed her own call let's see if the message would have gotten through I just don't understand what is a Miss with our young people today they just dangle about playing their loots and singing songs wrs against jokes and pilles it's just downright on [Music] medieval it attacks the very basis of our feudal way of life before long they'll even be attacking our educational system they'll even be claiming the Earth is round or something just as Revolution AR and rather irresponsible you know it's a funny thing about not answering your phone promptly there is absolutely nothing in the world that's good that can come of it every unanswered ring registers in the attitude of the caller at best the caller will only be irritated at worst the caller will hang up and mutter oh show them and you all know what happened in Coventry one ignored telephone call and the great granddaddy of all protest movements was given birth here here's another thing the telephone itself is only as accurate as a person who uses it I mean a lot of follow-ups and Communications occur because messages aren't recorded accurately Paul R limited no Mr R is not in right now may I take a message right to if I see to what sir a lantern I don't believe we have them in stock you might try Ben Franklin oh all right two if by Sea and one if by land oh and is that a lantern too sir then you need three lanterns I should forget the Lantern and just remember the message right I've got it tell Mr re to forget about the lter so if you don't want to alter the course of history which is what you're going to be doing if you record a message incorrectly then always keep a pad and pencil Handy by the phone facts only exist as they're remembered oh by the way a lot of people goof up by dialing incorrectly this is something most people don't know about dialing when you dial the number is dialed on the return trip in other words when you force the dial back you just may file up the works so always dial firmly and let the dial return by itself of course if you have the new touchtone phone with a push button well you're way ahead of the game remember to look at the numbers up before you dial and you'll save yourself valuable time and while you're at it you might shut it down in your own personal Direction excuse me hello this Bob newart yeah yes yes Mr be it it's about your boy Jack he he took your cow and and traded it for a handful of beans see I I don't know Mr beanock I never did see your cow well I'm I'm sure it was a fine cow and and the beans are crummy but but magic the uh the cow wasn't magic was it Miss Bean do no but but the goose was what what what goose is that Mrs beanstar the one that lays the golden eggs the one Jack is going to steal from the Giants no I I I don't know where you went wrong either Mr beanock would would I call the Giant and get him not to press charges GE I I hate to get mixed up with giants Mrs beanstar well I'm I'm I'm sure you gave your son lots of love too and and cookies and and we can't forget the cow fine I I'll give him a call I I'll get right back to you I'm I'm sure you were a good mother Mr beanock right right goodbye now what the heck do you say to a giant well here it goes I'll uh I'll dial Direct nobody not even Giants are out of reach of the direct dial [Music] [Applause] call p54 F this is Billy Bob giant speaking well it at least he identified himself on the phone that that's good telephone usage rule number 1,234 and a giant that practices rule 1,234 can't be all bad oh by the way don't do what I I just did uh hello Mr giant this uh this Bob newart yeah listen I I had this sort of a a goofy call from Mrs beanstock yeah she thought maybe you could you could sort of uh keep her her basically good boy from from going bad no why should I do that but see this this beanock lady says that that her kid this this Jack is is a goose Napper he's he's going to get your goose look man I haven't got time to fool with it you know that is really an irritating thing to the caller there is no such thing as an unimportant telephone call or else he wouldn't have taken the time and the trouble to call in the first place now it might seem unimportant to you but to the guy on the other end of the line it's something else again usually he wants help of some kind well give him that help even if it's merely a moment or two of human courtesy in the long run your kindness or helpfulness will always be rewarded in one way or another communication itself is a sharing the telephone when used properly is a means of making that sharing instantaneous and meaningful the funny thing is most of the things we do wrong on the telephone are completely unintentional and one of the biggies in in this category is what I call the Dr Jackal and Mr Hyde syndrome you know you may be pleasant as all get out all day long and then when we get on the phone we become another person entirely it's uh sort of like [Music] this sing of name Mr in real life we're and but on the we made [Music] me La a woman is charming and Angel Dre then she pick up the and we that we've contacted endur a wh [Music] weing you a story a telephone song of all manner of manners and sing you may think you are jle and then Pro it and me Mr Hyde when the telephone rings and Mr H with the telephone [Music] so how can you be Dr Jackal all day long even when you're on the phone it's really very simple I shall call me Lord myself place your own local and longdistance calls and whenever possible dial direct answer your telephone promptly helloo Lord C here leave word where you're going and when you expect to return so that your telephone can be properly answered during your absence sorry Mr Van Winkle has an appointment out of the office this afternoon expecting back at 4:30 20 years from Thursday take messages accurately oh one if by land and two if by sea yes sir I'll give him the message I'll put it in his saddle bag and remember to answer your own phone no pardon me sir let me catch the phone General Washington here yes Colonel Hamilton identify yourself when you answer the phone he5 F this is Billy B giant speaking be sure to transfer calls properly that would be scaling ladders battering ramps and catapults I will connect you with SL l b r and C PDQ always explain why you're leaving the line and if it's going to take some time keep them informed of your progress uh pardon me a minute Bob the walls of Jericho are falling and I've got to put you on [Music] all actually when you think about it good telephone usage is just a matter of courtesy and common sense I think it really adds up to this when that phone rings or when you pick it up to call somebody think of the telephone as a person a human being capable of giving and receiving assistance and courtesy when the phone rings it's not just a bell ringing it's a person calling no wires and gadgets and plastic but flesh and blood and feelings respect them as you would your own excuse me I've new oh hi Mr Bell no no no of course I like you Mr Bell and and the telephone too m m much better than taffi Apples better than silly FY even better than disposable diapers right [Music] n