Helping The Child Face The Don'ts (1958)

When we were very young, the whole world seemed to be filled with don'ts. These don'ts continually blocked our impulses and frustrated our desires. There were frequent don'ts intended to save us from harm. Watch out, they're sharp. There were endless don'ts for all the things we must not touch or take. Darling, don't play with daddy's books. And there were don'ts to prevent us from hurting anybody, no matter how strongly we felt. Stop, Sunny. You're hurting your sister again. There were so many attractive things we wanted to play with. When we were stopped, we felt resentful. It was hard to accept these don'ts. No wonder we felt frustrated by these constant restrictions. But we had to learn the don'ts for living in our social world. How we face these early don'ts shows in our personality throughout life. One of the first don'ts the child faces is for its own protection. Exploring the world is exciting, but the little child is unaware of the many perils even in the familiar home setting. Every child, for example, tries to climb stairs at this age. Yet, it is sometimes dangerous. Very often, the experience of being hurts the child to understand the meaning of mother's don'ts. However, in a case like this, the wise mother comforts the child and encourages her to learn this necessary skill with safety. Sometimes the child gets into trouble by his overeagerness for things he wants. Accidents often strengthen the don'ts. But after such a shock, a child needs to be reassured to overcome any feeling of insecurity. Mother's sewing basket attracts every little girl. Someday she will learn to use these things wisely and safely. But now mother must protect her from possible harm. Thus many don'ts are to show the child what to avoid for its own protection. Each child however develops its own balance of courage and caution through these don'ts. Every child must also face the don'ts of property. Naturally this child wants to pick flowers in the park. No. No. Let's not pick flowers in the park. There's nothing to stop her but mother's hand and voice. Mother explains that some things must not be taken. By patient guidance, the child begins to understand. Again, a tempting situation and a practical lesson in accepting the don'ts of property. She likes crayons. Why not take them? Now, mother enforces the don'ts. The child gradually begins to realize that everything has owners. In this way, the child learns to recognize things that belong to others. One of the basic lessons of social living. The don'ts creating respect for private property are hard to learn because it is so difficult for the child to say these don'ts to himself. A group of children playing together face the don'ts of living with others. They discover that it is necessary to recognize and respect personal rights of other people. In these varied activities, children are learning to get along with each other under the guidance of an understanding grown-up. This boy is eager to finish his building, and the girl is intent upon her work. Impulsively, the boy attacks the girl and breaks down her building. He has to be told and retold that he must not interfere with others, that he must respect their rights. It may be fun to throw blocks, but it may be dangerous for others. This little child is not intentionally cruel, but may accidentally hurt other children. Here, everybody is absorbed in his own playing. And then all of a sudden, another occasion for the don'ts. A child must learn not to hit or bite, no matter how strongly he feels. Until the child learns to control his own impulses, someone must restrain him. To live and play together, these children have had to curb their aggressive impulses. They have learned that they can enjoy their own rights only by respecting the rights of others. Some children can accept these restrictions easily while others do so only with difficulty or not at all. Moreover, each child does so with his own personal feelings about these restrictions. But only by facing the don'ts can they all play peacefully together. Summing up, we may say the don'ts define the world for the child by telling him what he must not do for his own protection and also for living with others. Don't do that, dear. Give the other boys a chance. Children need repeated don'ts again and again. They must be reminded of what they must not do, especially in relations with others. Here, this boy is indifferent to the other children in the sandbox. He is annoying his playmates, even endangering them. He must be compelled, if necessary, to respect the rights of his playmates. The young child's rebellion is understandable, but sooner or later he must accept the don'ts. Not on the sofa, darling. Please don't. The don'ts range from the basic lessons for protection, respect of property, and the rights of others to the don'ts for orderly living. The don'ts in this way pattern children's behavior into approved social conduct. How each child faces the don'ts and translates them into personal conduct shows in all future actions and reactions and largely shapes the emerging personality.