Guidance For The Seventies: Kids, Parents and Pressures (1971)

Tell me how you feel about your father. >> I think uh >> Okay. What's he afraid of? >> Why is he afraid of that? >> Uh cuz he's afraid of uh his reputation. >> Oh, okay. Now that's reality. >> Cuz like he's afraid that if I look bad or I do something wrong that it's going to hurt him as a person. >> Cindy, you're now him. Mhm. >> I don't like to be seen with you. I don't like my friends to see you. Now, how would you feel if somebody played that tape for you? >> Not too good. >> Have you told him what you felt? >> What did he say? >> No, he just sort of like he doesn't accept um criticism helpfully. He just thinks that you're trying to make trouble again. >> Do you think maybe you have really blown his mind? >> Maybe. >> Brother Dear, how is it you feel about your mother? >> Um, I'm not really sure. Right. >> What relationship would you like to have? >> Well, I mean, I'd like her to be able, you know, like be just a a friend, you know? I mean, cool person. >> Pressures and conflicts and tensions, social pressures, all kinds of things that are really happening in our world. We'd like to look at some of those things this morning and see what happens to them. We're talking about the pressures that exist in the environment, in the world outside of your skin. the conflicts that are going on in the mental part of the system and the physical tensions that result. And we've all got all three of those. Whether it's family pressure, parental pressure, brother and sister pressure, dating pressures, all kinds of things that are really pushing on us from outside of our skin. [Music] There is something I can do about modifying my own system. However, for instance, if you can imagine that I have a a kind of a panel board hanging down in front of my system, in front of my chest, and on this board is row after row after row of little electronic push buttons. And as I walk around through life, people push my buttons. Now each one of these buttons is wired into a circuit in the mental part of the system so that when anybody pushes it an almost predictable physical tension is going to happen in the system. Like for instance in the fourth row third button over that's the stupid button. You have a stupid button. We have a lot of these. We have programmed ourselves, programmed our computers, if you will, pre-wired the circuitry so that when somebody pushes the button, we get a reaction. Do your parents have a four-letter word button? >> Sure. And a kid discovers the four-letter word button, he hears the word, he doesn't know what it means, and a couple of days later, he uses the word, and mother goes through the ceiling, and he's discovered that mommy has a button, and he can make her jump through the ceiling anytime he wants to. Children find out at a very early age where mommy's and daddy's buttons are. And they teach them all kinds of clever routines that all a kid has to do is push the right buttons and mother will jump up and down and scream and yell. And did you ever see little kids with a he's pointing at me button? I think that's so funny to watch little kids. One of them will just point the finger at the other one and the other kid will say, "Mommy, he's pointing at me." And as soon as the brother finds out that his sister has a he's pointing at me button, he can say I didn't touch her, >> but he's touched her button from a distance. And boy, does it bring her apart? What's a button that you've got? Anybody got a button? >> Personal appearance button. >> You mean Well, do you look good? >> No, the you're ugly button. >> Well, you're ugly button. >> Yeah, that's like your >> you're stupid button. What's another button? Do your parents ever push your buttons? >> My dad or my mom will say, "Uh, don't you think your hair is getting a little too long?" Yeah, that's all they have to say. And you know, right away, >> okay, there are a lot of long hair buttons. Not only do kids have long hair buttons, but as it probably will come as a great surprise to you to know that many parents have long hair buttons. Many of the uh older generation have a button that gets pushed every time they see anybody with long hair and it destroys the whole intellect. You know, it just immediately they go into the pressure response to that button. Your buttons are your buttons. You're responsible for them. You got them in there in the first place and you're responsible for keeping them or revising them as you choose. So, you might ask yourself after you've identified some of the buttons that you have, is this button really to my advantage to have? It isn't likely that I'm going to get the rest of the world shaped up. >> Do you want to change the situation with your father? >> Yeah. >> Are you willing to change it? >> All depends on what I have to change. >> Do you have to change anything? >> I don't think so. >> What is there about the situation that you want to change? >> Oh, I'd like to have my dad, you know, cuz like I can't talk to my dad at all. and I wish like we could just sit down and talk. >> Okay, that's the first time you said really what you wanted that could be attained. >> Why is it that he doesn't feel he can talk to you? What have you done that makes it tough for him to feel he can talk to you? >> I don't know, but for some reason he just can't talk. >> Do you go out of your way to make the effort to talk to him? >> Yeah, I've tried. you know, we talked about it, but he just gets, you know, real, I don't know, violent. What what he does is he starts to yell and scream and then instantly I turn around and, you know, start yelling and screaming. >> Little push push back. See, >> as long as we're sort of hanging out our buttons and saying, "Here, push me." People will, and they do all the time. >> Would you stand up for a minute or just kneel up? [Applause] All right. Now, here we are communicating. If you want to win, what can you do? If you want me to fall your way, what can you do? >> Yeah. >> You could take the pressure off. Okay. Push me down. >> Well, push on me. What would it be if he took the pressure off in the situation? Where would you be? Where would your game go? >> It'd be gone, wouldn't it? >> No. >> All right. You're now you and I'm now your father and you're used to me pushing on you. What if you could change that? Change it. All right. That's basically what we're looking at. But you don't change anybody else. All you're doing is changing yourself. But if you take the pressure off, I don't have any place to go. We're really accountable for our own behavior. We're accountable for our own image of reality, for our own patterns, including the reaction patterns that we have to other people. It's very easy to say, "That guy drives me crazy." Or, "People like that really drive me out of my gourd," or whatever, but it's not the people that are doing the driving. >> All right. What kind of relationship do you want with him? Maybe I'll talk to him. Have him understand me. >> Have him understand you. Well, listen, Smarty. Are you going to be able to understand him at all, do you think? >> Yeah, probably. >> How What could you do that would be different? >> What can he do if you're not playing his game? Every time you sit there and you say, "Yeah, here it comes again. My old man is going to give it to me." He will because that's the game you're playing, too. And it takes two to play any game. All right. What is it that you want? >> Yeah. What are you willing to do to have that kind of relationship with Mr. Man? >> Well, I just like what if you start an argument, I just like cool it and you know, not give them any house and see what happens. >> Would you take the pressure off on your side? >> Yeah. >> And that makes all the difference in the world because it's very unlikely that you're going to be able to get all the rest of the world shaped up so that they behave just the way you would like to have them. It is possible for you to modify your reaction. That doesn't mean that you approve of all of those things that you've been reacting to with a lot of tension, but that's different from reacting with the clutch reaction that really destroys your effectiveness and your ability to cope with or bring about change in the world. >> I'd like to borrow you, brother Deas. Who is it that you're working on? >> My mom. >> Okay. I've now become a lady. You don't mind the beard, do you? >> The mom. Okay. Kiss you. >> What? >> I'm not going to kiss you. >> It's not required. >> Okay. Mother Deont, how is it you feel about your mother? >> I just I I don't like what she does. >> No, that's what you don't like. How do you feel >> about her? >> Positive or negative? >> Um I'm not really sure. Like I >> What relationship would you like to have? >> I'd like her to be able to talk to me, you know, and uh be cool about um things like hair. And uh >> that's what you want her to do. What do you want as a relationship with her? >> Well, I mean, I'd like her to be able, you know, like just a a friend, you know, cool person. >> Okay. What are you willing to do to make that possible? >> Take off pressure on Maya. >> All right. What games do you play to get her? >> Um, I try to put her down in front of her friends and stuff. >> Do you do that? Well, >> no. >> But you try. >> Yeah. >> Okay. Okay. How do you feel about putting your mother down? >> I don't like it. >> The put down is a very common part of our culture today. And I'm convinced personally that it's profitable to build other people's self-esteem. By profitable, I mean it helps build our own self-esteem when we build somebody else's self-esteem. And furthermore, that we're not likely to give anybody else an extra measure of self-esteem unless we have enough of our own that we can afford to give some away. >> What's going on inside your feeler as you listen to that? >> I'm just, you know, flashing out me. >> Okay, now that might be interesting. Let me just try something. Okay, I'm now you. You're now my mother. Mom, I want you to know I really feel very badly about our relationship. I want to have a good relationship with you. I want us to be friends. I want to be able to talk to you. And I want to listen to what you say, too. And I'm willing to work it out. I'll do anything that's right. How do you feel about that? I know what you'd say if I said I'd do anything to get a good relationship. >> What's your >> uh go get a crew cut, join the football team, quit surfing, quit bike riding completely, um socialize with my friends. >> Do you really think that she would do that at that moment? >> She wouldn't do that. But if I put down all pressure at my end, she'd just start pushing me more. >> How could she if you're not pressing her back? Okay, here's the point. To take off the pressure does not mean that you're agreeing with anybody else. And it doesn't mean you're going along with anybody else. It just means you're taking the pressure off. It just means you're not pushing back. When we feel put upon, when we feel as though the rest of the world is kind of closing in on us, many times we will defensively fight back by putting other people down and it really doesn't pay. >> Let's say your mother started giving you a list of things. I'm now you again. I'd say, "Mother, what I want is to be myself. It's okay for you to be you and want what you want. And it's okay for me to be me and want what I want. One of the things I want is a good relationship with you as a person, as a friend. Are you willing to accept me as an equal? >> Yeah, Chico. Not where you're living in my house. We all make all the decisions. I'll bet you that if you were to make a formal presentation like this, she would suddenly be confronted with a Tom Damasu was being her equal instead of little baby Tom Damasu she brought up. This might be something not just to look for in other people because our primary project is not to get everybody else shaped up, but to look for in yourself. How easy is it for me to put other people up? How much time do I spend reinforcing other people, giving them praise, compliments, warmth, encouragement, helping them to become better people? >> All right. What do you want in your situation with your mother? >> Just >> All right. Say it to her. I'm now her. >> Okay. >> I'm your mother. >> Uh, mom. >> What is it now? >> Really? >> Um, >> what do you want? >> Uh, I'd like to talk to you about our relationship. Yes. What about our relationship? >> Um I I really don't think it's been too good lately. >> I don't either. >> Well, what is it? >> I'd really like to change it. >> Well, what is it you want now? >> Um I just like to be able to make decisions by myself and have you stop running? >> Not as long as you're in this house. >> Uh can you have be more open-minded about it? >> What do you think? >> No. >> Okay. Where'd it go out the window? Number one, you weren't willing to accept me. It was very obvious. Well, I don't really walk up and hold my mom's hand. >> I know, but that would be different, wouldn't it? And chances are, if you would show that much willingness to really be there, then she might think, "Oh, there's something special going to happen." And at that, she might begin to listen to what you're saying because the difficulty with what we just did is observe. Mom, I really don't feel very comfortable about our relationship sort of thing. And all she can say is, "You bet." And I don't either. >> Show me that you accept me, >> Mom. Um, I really don't feel good about our relationship lately. I'd like to have it change. Like to be able to love you a lot more. I'll be willing to take the pressure off of my side if you'll be willing to take the pressure off of yours. >> Good. Except you're asking her to do something. >> Well, the minute that you do that, you've had it because she's going to then take the point of view. And quite rightly so. Look what you're asking of me and look at all the things I've already done for you. What's what's big, brother Mottz about what you're up to is that you're willing to accept me and even if you were doing it by rope, I might be inclined to listen because you see there might be some pay value for me there. He's saying that he's been uncomfortable about our relationship. Well, I have too. He's saying he wants it to be better. Well, I want that, too. And he's also saying that he's willing to do something about it. Well, maybe I'll be willing, too. But thank you for doing that. [Music]