George Carlin on Tonight Show Johnny Carson 1980s KCST San Diego

There you go. [applause] Hello. Hello. How are you? Johnny finally took your advice. Ate at the commissary tonight. I had the breast of hyena. Terrific. [laughter] Couldn't decide between the breast of hyena or the filt of condor. They had vegetables in season. I never understand that. I've heard of a horse being in season, but what what does that mean? Is that does that mean the melons are horny? I don't understand. >> [laughter] >> Almost uh well, hey, one thing about that commentary, any place that has Pepto-Bismol on tap can't be all bad. Yeah. Almost didn't make it here today. I was home watching ESPN. I'm a big sports fan. I know a lot of you are the same. And there's a brand new sport. They have a lot of unusual sports on ESPN. There's a brand new one from Afghanistan. tearing a sheep apart [laughter] and uh and and and some swimming. They had some unusual swimming. Uh they had a new swimming event. I'd never seen the women's 200 meter breast stroke. And I'd never seen a woman with 200 meter breast before, you know. So, well, I don't know. [applause] I think it's the steroids they're using or something. Uh but we could use some new sports in this country. I'd like to see a sport that there's one sport that seems to be missing. Where is college auto racing, you know, [laughter] and high school auto racing? Or they they have high school auto racing. It's just not organized, is it? [laughter] I'd like to see some really dangerous sports like indoor hunting. [laughter] Motorcycle pole vaulting on ice. [laughter] Well, enough of that new subject. Names. You know what I'm waiting for? I'm hoping that someday a pope will choose the name Buster. You know, can't you see him on the balcony? His holiness Pope Buster the first. Well, names are like that. You don't expect certain names among certain people, do you? You expect certain things when you hear a certain name. Like, you'll know this country is in trouble when we have a president named Sker. We get a president named Skeer or Stump. And you know it's time to rethink the entire system. Speaking of names, do you realize that Howdy Dudy's mother and father are the duties? And and Bo Diddley's mother and father are the diddlies. How would you like to be at a party and have to introduce the dudies to the diddly [laughter] and keep a straight face? I'd probably get through it. Okay. And then who would show up? One of Bo Diddley's brothers. Dudley Diddley and Howdy Dudy sisters Judy Dudy and Trudy Dudy. [laughter] Names. Names. Names. Names. Got to reestablish the premise for you. Names. [laughter] Uh, you know how that goes. Oh yes. [applause] You know in Germany they have Frankfurt and Hamburgg. What about grilled cheese? And Turkey. Turkey is the only country named after a food. Why don't we have the People's Republic of Roast Beef? [laughter] They got a new uh restaurant out here. Speaking of names, a new restaurant for bulimia victims called the Scarf and Barf. Yeah. You know, I tell you, this has got to be the only country in the world where some people don't have enough food and other people are vomiting intentionally. What do you think about those government drug tests? [laughter] Government employees. I you know what I think they should take? Intelligence tests. All candidates. [applause and cheering] Just before. Speaking of government workers, do you realize that George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country? [laughter] A >> lot of people aren't aware. These are little things. is the reason I come over here. Tell you these little things. Let me ask you something. After the flood is over, where do all the rowboats go? [laughter] And how come we always have to have hailstones that are the size of something else? [laughter] Why can't we have hailstones the size of hailstones? You know, I'll tell you something. [applause] Some people see a glass that's half full. Some people see a glass that's half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be. [applause] [cheering] You know what I'm waiting for? Recreational that you can take in suppository form. Cut down on those illegal searches. I'll tell you that. You know what you never see? [laughter] You never see a bag lady raetball tournament. [laughter] You'd never see a nun with a harpoon. [laughter] You never see a really tall fat Chinese guy with red hair. Here's something you never hear. Hey honey, let's have nine more kids and quit our jobs. [laughter] Here's something. I just keep going. Here's something you don't want to hear. We're going to open you up again and perform some experiments on you. Here are people you don't want to have anything to do with. Any man with one lip. [laughter] A Doberman pincher who was tortured by a person who looks like you. [applause] Any man who drinks straight rum through his nose. Anyone who mentions Jesus more than 25 times in a 4-minute conversation. [applause] Any lawyer who refers to the police as the federalis. A brain surgeon with tattoos on his hands. Any woman nicknamed Moose? >> A guy who's bleeding from both ears and wants you to cosign for a loan. [laughter] Anybody with six gold teeth who wants to play poker [laughter] and a woman who has just finished breastfeeding a reindeer. >> But I must say we do not have any devil messages on this album. Even if you play it backwards. Well, if you play it backwards, you get ve recipes. [laughter] >> Ve recipes. >> Satanic ve recipes. >> Well, not no just just, you know, a couple of nice things you can do with ve and I I [laughter] don't want Well, you know, Aussie Osborne got sued. Some kid listened to one of his records and they sued him because the kid committed suicide, you know. And the only time that's ever happened to me, they just didn't like the material. It's one >> Yeah, that can happen. >> But anyway, good to be back here. >> All right. What are you working on now? New new projects. >> Oh, show business. Good show business. Good to me. Yeah, it's been real [laughter] good to me. >> You know what we're doing, Ed? you. Ed Shaughnessy, is he up there? You might be interested in this. Maybe you could help me. We're doing a play. We're doing Hamlet with rim shots. >> Yeah. [laughter] >> Hey, that'd be nice. Let's try that. To be or not to be. [laughter] >> That is the question. >> Ah, so we're going to give it a try. It's experimental, but I think the folks might like it. >> Of course, >> I've written a new book, Crossword Puzzles for the Deaf. Just a I try to keep my hand in every field, >> of course. And uh the movies are starting to happen now. You know, I I I did one and and it's starting, you know, they the word gets around. I'm doing I'm doing a film called Hansel. >> Hansel. >> It's the story of Hansel and Gretle, but it's sort of a close-up look at Hansel alone. [laughter] >> I don't think it's ever been done, has it? >> No. Hasn't been done. >> Focus on Hansel alone. >> Yes. Focus on Hansel. Sort of like the the post witch years. >> Right. And um I'm I'm also I'm doing another an really interesting movie called Not Robin Hood >> and it's a story about everybody else except Robin Hood. [laughter] >> Not everybody just in Robin Hood. >> No, everybody else. >> Yeah, it's [clears throat] it's a big big big I can see. Yeah. >> You makes me laugh cuz he doesn't believe this stuff. >> Of course not. >> Uh oh. Little Can I mention a charity thing because a lot I know a lot of these >> a lot of people come on and plug charities and you're >> I'm working for big brother-in-law. >> Yeah. Well, it's for married people who who don't have a brother-in-law but really want one >> and they send a guy over to your house with 3 days growth and no job and he sleeps on your couch for about a year and drinks all your beer and that's it. [applause] >> So, uh I like that. That's nice. Nice. >> And and it's sort of an interesting problem I've heard about Johnny. Apparently, there's been a lot of uh research, plastic surgery research done on animals, and it's gone very well, but now they're stuck with these 500 really good-looking monkeys, and we're just trying to find homes for uh but [laughter] uh my goldfish died. A >> Yeah. Cancer of the fin. >> Cancer the fin down the down the toilet. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. my Avon lady uh has become a Jehovah's Witness, which is terrific because it saves me a trip to the door. But um [applause] the only the only other thing kind of like personal is uh >> well finally I finally convinced the rest of the family to switch to a gel toothpaste. >> Yeah. My wife has been in favor of it all along, but my son, Dartanion, >> Dartenian, [laughter] >> he's not well. He's a little fuzzy around that. >> He's been in trouble with the law again, too. >> Oh, I didn't know that. >> Picked him up for uh drinking beer within 50 ft of a hospital and uh selling selling beef that didn't come up to federal standards. Oh, >> but he's a good kid, you know. Let him let him brush his teeth the way he wants, >> of course. But I figured shouldn't be a family. And uh you you always you you asked me in the break about my investments. I know you >> Well, you had some strange things that you wanted to get me into last time. >> Yeah, I know. I was a little lary. >> I'm a little ler of some of these. I got into a we got a my uh you got bombastic Bushkin. I got a guy I don't even mention his name. >> Uh he got me into a drive-in head shops, which is great except for the many accidents. >> Yes. Really good. >> And uh we opened up a gavvel shop >> near the Supreme Court. seemed like a winner. We sold nine of them and that was it, you know. [laughter] Doesn't pay to Doesn't pay to stock up too much on that. >> No. Uh, we're into industrial strength baby oil. This looks like a good idea cuz kids are hardier these days. >> That's right. I never thought of that. >> And um a new Christian deodorant. Thou shalt not smell. [laughter] and a a new low calorie salad dressing. 100 islands [laughter] and a new security system for [clears throat] your home. This locks the burglar in his own house. [laughter] >> It's kind kind of a new approach, but uh so he doesn't even get out. >> Yeah, we're going to give it a try. And uh I don't know. I wrote all these down cuz I had so many and that's about all I wrote. [laughter] >> Well, that certainly suffices. >> Do you Does your wife laugh at your stuff? Yeah. And I can't help but trying things out. She that was one of the first things we were attracted our senses of humor, you know. Uh we just have always we've had some bad stuff. We've had some good stuff I've been laughing all the time. >> Well, if you can laugh with another >> I think it keeps you saying look at Nixon. >> Yeah. [laughter] >> Mr. Mr. Chuckles. Yeah. A lot of fun. >> All right. We have to take a short break here. >> Yeah, we do. >> Well, why don't we? >> Well, okay. [laughter] >> I should mention Helen Slater was booked tonight. We've asked her to join us >> tomorrow night. Tomorrow night.