FROM CANDY TO COCAINE

[Music] 1 2 3 4 still too young let's have one more 5 6 7 8 the advertised high is ours to take 9 10 11 12 don't say we're too young to live in hell and just I'm scared because I feel like it's like I don't know why I just I'm scared and the family reunion came around and I stole about $150 from my grandfather who's the only person I really cared about through my whole using it's the only last person that really meant something to me and I finally screwed that last person over my name is Jana 99% of All American teenagers have experimented with drugs or alcohol by their senior year in high school I began using drugs about the age of 11 years old when I was in the sixth grade and I started using drugs purely out of curiosity my name is Theo at least 3.3 million kids in the US have a serious drink problem my real father gave me gave me alcohol in my bottle when I was about one just like to put me to sleep and um from what she's told me I I've always liked it um I started drinking regularly when I was about eight my name is Dave the national suicide rate for the chemically dependent youth is 58 times greater than the non-dependent every time I came down I felt real bad with with myself I felt real lonely and it got to the point every time I run out I wanted to kill myself my name is Shauna every 5 Seconds a teenager has a drug or alcohol rated accident every 23 minutes a teenager dies in such an accident I came very close when I broke my neck in an automobile accident and I you know for the I said sincerely and I cried and I said God I never want to use drugs again and this is it I've come so close to death this time and it's just scaring me and it's like as soon as I could walk again and be you know take care of myself a little bit in the hospital I was smoking marijuana you know and and did some cocaine addiction does not discriminate it doesn't respect color cultural background School District sex IQ or age I started using drugs when I was 11 years old I started using cocaine approximately 14 years old um my grandfather and my grandmother are both alcoholics recovering alcoholics and my aunt is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic I started using crap because I was depressed I was depressed because my brother died at the time it was suicide and it really bothered me to the point that I didn't I couldn't find a way out of from being depressed so I used cocaine I'd always felt lower than the other people around me and when I when I got into drugs I felt enlightened I felt that I'd found something that the jocks didn't know about it was more a thing of um of acceptance I didn't go to the regular high school that my other friends went to I went to a private high school in the beginning so um it was more the thing of being accepted and I know that's a real common thing that people blame drug you know kids using drugs on that but for me it was only that in the beginning then afterwards I did make a choice that I that's the kind of life I want to leave well when I was high I felt really important because I got I had a lot of coke and all my friends were coming up to me and they they look up to me oh you are Coke man when I was five I was in a car accident I was hit by a car and it left me with my left arm paralyzed and um still is today so I had a lot of fears of being accepted and I had a lot of low self-esteem from that so that was a real good reason to drink and use I mean I had a big thing about I wanted everybody to like me um if I wasn't as good in the sport or whatever it was you know at least I could be good at drugs my whole body feels like jealous and my mind is a million miles away I'm never going to come down when I used cocaine for the first time it was it was sort of I just felt so good it was like I was on top of everything I knew everything and I could talk about anything in the world and I liked I liked almost everybody and I and I felt pretty and I felt smart and it just like euphoric then you smoke it it just give you that rush I mean that shown up rush and you feel good for about I say like for five minutes while you holding in when you blow it out just be real relaxed you know and then it only lasted for like 20 minutes after that after that's gone you want another one I thought I had found God it was the best experience I'd ever had just talking you know to anybody I loved everything and everybody and it just was fabulous I was into it I'm Bigg or I'm bad nothing can stand in my way I felt like I could conquer the world on cocaine um I just I loved it I got real sick behind it I got real crazy behind it I uh I start I was like snorting it in in a bathroom at McDonald's like when I was done I'd lick the whole toilet seat and everything to make sure I got all the cocaine off and uh I started doing really sick things for it you know anything to do cocaine to get it we were all into it I was proud of it and besides I had an image to maintain yeah drinking and dring it is the thing to do we just want to play and we started like you it's normal it's social it happens at home but addiction is cing you're the last want to know in the beginning maybe when I was a sophomore in high school when I was about 16 I'd need only like a quarter gr on a special occasion then i' need a quarter gram to myself so if I was with a girlfriend or somebody we'd get a half a gram and then about six months later like the following summer we'd we'd get a gram for a couple of us and then what we do is um then a couple months after that we just all we'd get like a group of five people and get like a quarter ounce of it you know just it just it got larger and larger ler crack is cocaine and it's in a rock form like a little rock and it cost the way I used to smoke I used to spend like $300 a day each Rock costed $20 a piece and it was it's just like you know once you start smoking you never stop spining I would sell my possessions things that were given to me and things I had bought um I would steal possessions of other people such as stereos um guitars things as such uh I would also steal drugs from dealers and cash from my dealers to get the drug it uh didn't bother me all that mattered was to get cocaine at first you will take a line it will take you High for about 20 minutes and then you will go lower than normal and then you will take another line you won't get as high as you as you were before and you will go lower and if you keep doing all that all night when you do a land you will just get to normal and then you will sink down the euphoric feeling started to go away I started using it and I'd just be nervous and paranoid but I had to have it cuz I kept on thinking that I was going to get that other feeling back and it wasn't happening why isn't it working I mean I get better dope the beer is always around but I can't get high anymore and I keep on trying yeah I used to have so much fun I wanted to smoke it all at once and do all the coke at once and right then I realized I couldn't just do it you know socially anymore I had no idea of what I was going to do with myself and that scared me CU I wasn't going anywhere I didn't have the grades you know I was lucky if I was going to graduate from high school and I you know I saw all these people moving up around me and I was staying still I wasn't going anywhere I didn't confront Michael I looking back now I can see clearly because I didn't want to know what he was doing and I was I was hurt I didn't want to see this happening to my child I think it was important that she confronted me because subconsciously towards the end I didn't want to I didn't want to do it anymore um I I really don't know why maybe I was looking for a way out and I wanted them to know so they do something but then again I didn't want him to know so I hid it from him one thing just kept leading to another he started failing in school school all the the typical things that you hear happening to someone you know using drugs but I never belied that that was the problem I thought it was just going through a teenage adolescence I didn't really blame him but I lost all respect for him because because I was able to [ __ ] him so well and run a game on him I was getting to the point where I didn't even like Michael to be around the house down to Pine Jack Daniels and half Pine of bardi within like 20 minutes and um I came home he came in he could hardly walk and I thought that jumping in the swimming pool would maybe sober him up a little bit I made him swim about 10 laps and he did he swam them and then he got and I asked him if he felt better and he said yes he did that's all I really remember until then I remember I I remember ending up in s or something that night when he asked if he could go home leave that night to go with a friend I let him go which was exactly the wrong thing to do but I didn't want the confrontation I didn't want to face I wanted him gone and um maybe that sounds cold but then no child could be loved more than Michael was l but you get to the point where it's just too hard it just hurts too much to really look at what's happening and it was easier to avoid it anybody who uses needles has got to be an addict that's not true addicts are the ones who are dead oh I'm 17 and I am not dead yet um I denied it by saying I this is this is normal all my friends are doing this you know but all my friends weren't they weren't doing it the way I was doing it I never thought I was really addicted because I believed that an addict was somebody who lost everything for drugs and that's all they did was take drugs all day which in the end is what I wound up doing I'd be I'd be you know trying to get to sleep that's like when when I'd go and i' try to get to sleep when I was still on coke and i''d be really wired and I'd just be my mind would just be sitting there cutting me down and my heart would just aching and I just was so confused and then the next day I'd get up and I'd do it again it's usually the father that really does not see what's in front of his face he doesn't want to think of drugs and frankly it took an interventionist a a drug counselor to tell me that Tony was a drug addict I was furious at my husband because he couldn't see it don't you see what that he's lying and stealing I was was feeling guilty myself it's a very a period of feeling very helpless hopeless and totally desolate you feel very alone I had a hard time believing that my parents still loved me because I'd screwed them over so many times I knew I feel like my Mom hated me and I couldn't understand how she could hate me but still love me and that's one of the reasons I had a hard time turning to them and asking for help nobody understands me nobody just give me another shot so I don't have to look at them why doesn't it make them like me I'm so lonely and my whole body aches why do I have to keep putting so many holes in my arm I hate that I can't stop it didn't used to be that way I feel like I'm a failure I feel so raped when I come down can't I use to have fun is this a problem what do I do somebody talk to me listen to me I couldn't take anymore I was just like sick and tired of being sick and tired all the pain that I hidden just all ripped out I just started crying I was screaming I can remember screaming at Michael probably the loudest I've ever screamed at anybody um about and I I can remember using the words you've you've hit the bottom exactly remember you're you're at the bottom just broken promises you know promises to yourself that you try to keep about not using drugs and and also having it just affect your family life your school life everything in your life you know if drugs and alcohol affects areas of your life then you're an addict I'd wake up in the morning and i' drink beer and then I'd get to school and I'd smoke pot and then maybe in the afternoon someone would turn me on to some coke and in the early evening I dropped some acid and that that was a actual typ typical day for me I I usually push it to the Limit I know if I'm take all this I'm going to die so I'm just going to take a little bit off and do the rest and see what happens there was still letting me stay at home um I still wasn't kicked out of school yet so I still had all my props you know I still was able to live the crazy life I was living without really being called on it without anybody saying hey you know what we're not going to accept just Behavior anymore and I figured I could snort some coke and and not pay for it because I would sell it and give and I'd get free cocaine but it never worked out I would always always snort it it's like you know I can get it anywhere I want it you know I had it you know it was no problem to get and I kept getting it and kept getting it and I got tired and kept getting it you know and it just made it just was destroying my life and I couldn't deal with it I got to the point where um where I started um using my sexuality and flirting with guys and going out with guys that I knew had drugs so I could use them so I could get high and um and I got accused of doing that like what they call it around here is a c-core somebody that just hangs out with people that have money and have drugs and um I guess that's what I that that's what I had become but at the time I didn't think it that's what it was you know I just would convince myself that I really like these guys and I'd go out with them and um and they'd get me high and and you know I'd do whatever I had to do for them not to think that I was just using them for their drug when I was standing in the driveway just some glass shattered right next to me and I think he knocked a window pane out and thrown it at me and I really realized then that this kid was out of hand and I had to get him out out of the house and it just a struck me I had to survive and I didn't care what the law was I was either going to kick him out of the house or do something I think I was giving a lot of the signs the same um the mood swings depression you know was trying to you know slit my ankles and slit my wrist and end up in the hospital for doing a midall um I I think those were signs that I gave out saying help when I finally wanded out I thought that I needed to do something and so I talked to a football coach about joining the football team and um you know he he thought the idea would work but um it didn't I went to a couple football practices and ended up uh wiring up on speed before one you know just to make it through and at that point I realized that um that I couldn't handle it so all the outside stuff started falling apart see the inside outside Stuff felt felt really bad but if I got if I just kept on getting high then I wouldn't feel that but once the outside stuff started going away I it was more than I could handle it was kind of like a dam that that's breaking you know it was just building up and building up and all of a sudden I just couldn't handle it anymore I felt hopeless I felt like nobody could help me there was there was nobody that could fix me 1 2 3 4 make the move find the door 5 6 7 8 truth the key our lives at stake 9 10 11 12 this step we take is for ourselves I actually believe that when I came into treatment and you took my drugs away for a week I would die because that was what was keeping me alive I found out that didn't happen my motives were not to come here and get sober and lead a sober life and have goals and get my morals back and all that I just wanted a place to stay and so I was grateful for that um that was like the first couple days then what happened was I got pissed off because I found out that they tricked me and that I was indeed here for the same reason that all the other kids were here and I thought I was different you know I just thought that they just let me in here cuz I needed emotional help and it's not why but the first step is definitely the hardest and that is as a parent and that is saying one you have no control over that child or the child's problem and and two that you can't help them there's there's no way you can fix it and as a parent that's really tough even if you have to cry now Jen try to just go ahead and talk through those tears and tell us what it is that you're feeling here you are you're here with a lot of people that you know and it's a chance right now to move through this one so I'm asking you to stay open okay the part about my home life is it's just hard getting sober in my mom's house I got on this whole trip this weekend because she started telling me all this stuff like like you're getting bad grades again and your car is a mess and your room's a mess and I can't trust you and I don't believe in you anymore yeah that's good to hurt yeah it did but then I that you know of course I had my little part in there too and tore her up you know of course but I'm wondering if it's really okay for you to feel like this gentl you know give yourself that you're a human and that you're allowed to feel like crap because I don't think I don't see you giving yourself that at all you're okay you know you are okay you're allowed to feel this way admitting that you're powerless is sort of surrendering to the fight that we put up when we're when we're in the midst of our addictions you know you know like I was explaining to you no matter no matter how bad it was getting I was still just going out and doing it you know and saying okay I'm powerless and surrendering to it all is what it's really all about here just saying okay I'm going to trust you I'm going to listen to you and I'm going to try and be as open as I can so that maybe what you know can get inside of me and I can maybe go on with my life they keep telling you you must take care of yourself it you can't concentrate on the addict you must make your own life fulfilling and rewarding and keep moving ahead because he maybe will be an addict and your children and all around you things will be crashing but you have to develop your own life and I didn't really understand that until I got into the education program at Tony's Treatment Center that this is very important take care of yourself I was still so mad at Tony I didn't see why I needed to participate in this process it was his problem not mine and then he immediately came to us and said boy am I in the wrong place he said there are people with serious drug problems here I mean they're Coke dealers and people who shoot heroin and and nasty people and promiscuous girls and I walked in and looked at the people and we started a meeting and people started talking and saying what was on their mind and what they felt and I immediately had a feeling that that there was more honesty going on than I'd experienced in my life he's always done this he's been a con man and I was terrified that they were going to buy it and we were going to get this kid back who' faked his way through the program and be stuck with the same Pro problems but the thing is is you can't [ __ ] a bullshitter and this became evident to me as the program progressed one of the most difficult things for me to do in treatment was cry um and I did and it was just like when I first time I cried just pounds that were on my shoulders just everything was just like lifted up and another real extremely difficult thing to do is to let somebody know that they hurt me you know instead of getting angry and just you know fighting back to actually say you know what you just did hurt my feelings recovery has been the most painful and difficult yet beautiful thing that has ever happened to any of us what we were looking for all along we found in recovery that feeling of being okay we know that as long as we don't take that first fixed pill drink or joint we are okay drugs and alcohol control my life and made my life just completely unmanageable and even though I can say that it's sometimes as hard to accept you know I can easily admit it you know but the accepting part is the hardest part of it and I'm still working with that you know I'm still working with it I was uh a little too scared and a little too cool I thought I could handle it I thought I was big and bad and I could do it but I don't care how big and how bad you are is drugs will take over I think the most important thing you can do is be supportive to your your children but try not to smother them with your love and to educate yourself as to the signs of drug addiction or drug use and then follow through and don't be afraid to confront your child it's life and death I'd like to stress the importance of family treatment I think that when there is one addict or alcoholic or several in a family the whole family needs needs help um not only dealing with the addict alcoholic but in dealing with themselves and the feelings that they've been going through usually for years it's really important for everybody and we never stopped loving him today I can you know say if I only just didn't do free base and cut out all my cocaine use and just smoked a little marijuana and drank I just know that I couldn't do that because when I was using from September to February I just I said I'll never you know I just going to drink and then before I knew it I was smoking pot and then I was doing cocaine and then when I started doing that it just got really crazy if you think you have a problem with cocaine you do have a problem with cocaine I think if anyone want to help get it this disease is is life-threatening you know I I like I was saying last night you know I like it too much up here to I don't want to I don't want to be 6 feet under and that's where it eventually is going to lead cocaine makes it very difficult to accept powerlessness uh it and it gives such a great feeling even now I can not ever comprehend giving up cocaine for the rest of my life um I can do it for today one day at a time but the concept of giving it up forever is incomprehensible today I am clean and sober one day at a time I remember remember where I've been one day at a time I accept who I am one day at a time I choose not to drink or do drugs we do recover if we have the capacity to be honest with ourselves my name is Theo and I am an alcoholic my name is Jana and I am an addict my name is Dave and I am an addict alcoholic my name is shuna and I'm an addict alcoholic it's real exciting this whole new thing it's like being reborn it's like learning how to walk all over again it's the fact that I know that I don't need to use drugs really helps drugs and alcohol are my worst enemy you know they want to beat me up that's how I phrase it you know they want to kick my ass and they will if I let them now I just think it's real important for kids to know that there's always hope no matter how bad they feel no matter if they feel like killing themselves because it hurts so bad and their parents don't want to talk to them and nobody wants to talk to that there are places that are around that will help you you know there's a lot of people that would coming out a rehab you feel naked and scared and there isn't a peer group and a staff of counselors right there to help you when you start feeling stuff sometimes some of your friends invite you over to party that's real scary and I was using crack I didn't think about no future you know I just thought about that day well was going to get the next crack but now I realize there's a lot of things I ain't seen a lot of things I ain't did which I want to do and see and it's just a lot more in life that I want now for