Engagement: romance and reality

he [Music] you what we get the blood test and the license tomorrow then as soon as the waiting period's over we'll my but you hardly know each other we know enough daddy we've both gone out with a lot of other people and well it's never been like this before we know it's right well I can take care of her my job's not much now but it's it's got a great future but so soon no time to look forward or to plan but mother we have planned to be married your mother and I aren't saying no you're old enough to know what you want if you give yourselves time to be sure all we want you to do is take the time daddy mother we don't want to hurt your feelings but we just don't see the point well let me put it this way Jim tell me everything you know about Judy well she's 19 her birthday's in June she's secretary she likes Pizza she's a great dancer beautiful girl everything you say is true Jim you haven't mentioned anything you couldn't live with for the rest of your life but even with someone as wonderful as Judy there may be some things you don't know about daddy I haven't been putting on an act or or feeding Jim a line Judy darling you too Jim we know you haven't been putting on an act but being in love is such a wonderful experience that it well it changes you at first or seems too it's hard to explain it is hard to explain that the magic of being in love Won't Last Forever Strong physical attraction can blind you to Serious faults or make you see virtues that do not exist sometimes romance Bears no resemblance to reality am I making any sense at all you're saying wait a long engagement no Judy that isn't it we're not asking you just to wait we're asking you to find out if you like each other as much as you love each other Jim well it won't take very long to find that out I guess we could wait a while if it'll make you and Judy's mother happier you see isn't it wonderful well now isn't this something give credit to Jim and Judy for deciding to wait but don't be misled into believing that waiting in itself proves you're ready for marriage you must make a conscious effort to be realistic about each other if you're to make the best use of an engagement period and Judy and Jim aren't ready for that in spite of themselves they will go on seeing each other through rose-colored glasses dating is like that you date for the first time expecting to enjoy yourself you enjoy yourself and you date again and so on and on there's a party atmosphere about everything you do and with the party atmosphere party manners okay here go out a girl sweetie pie sweetie pie you're going to get the hang of this yet sweetie pie you bet I will sport now just watch How I party manners require you to overlook minor annoyances he sees her as a girl who doesn't mind being called sweetie pie she allows him to go on thinking something that isn't true both are contributing to a picture of her which isn't realistic the situation works both ways of course all right oh look there's a phone uh do you really want to stop sure d [Music] [Music] hello Mother Jim and I are going to the lake inste it to the bowling alley like we said Jee talk about apron Str okay mom goodbye there that didn't take long it doesn't it make you feel better oh sure party manners require you to be agreeable even if you don't agree she sees him as one who has no objection to her close family ties and he says nothing to indicate his approval so both of them are helping to establish a picture of him which isn't accurate in courtship we're always on our good behavior avoiding any reaction which might be unpleasant for example Jim has a dinner date with Judy for 6:00 [Music] oh Jim I'm sry that's okay I knew you were trying to get here oh I was mother and I went shopping and while the time just evaporated Jim I know I should have kept better track of the time but but mother was picking out a dress to we to our wedding that's okay sweetie pie as long as you're here are you ready to be served now yes reality will never enter the picture as long as people sidestep opportunities to let their real feelings come out in the open how then is time going to make any difference to Judy and Jim or to any couple who is dating seriously time makes a difference because it usually presents opportunity for a couple to work as well as play together maybe the work is only an unexpected job which comes up when you borrow dad's car for the day nevertheless watching someone at work can give you insights you never had before for [Music] [Music] [Music] time also makes a difference because eventually the really important matters have a way of cropping up it would have been a good buy but had to pass it up done him my last five bucks and PayDay isn't even in sight yet you know I I don't even know when your payday is the first the first that's 10 days away don't I know it well we can forget about the ice show oh no we won't already have the tickets best seats in the House Jim H how much do you make well here's what check stub it'll be bigger next month when my automatic increase comes through Jim every time we double date with Pete and re you grab the check I thought you made lots more than this well my dad's always good for Al loone and awful absent minded about asking for it back can't expect to go on doing that after we're married looks like we can't expect to go on doing a lot of things oh worry worry worry that's better we'll do all right sweetie pie what your pay in mine Jim I sort of thought you'd be the kind who didn't want his wife to work work well it takes money to support a wife but no no no give me a kiss and enough of this yak yak yak well where were we ah popcorn no with the yak yak yak we've got some things to talk about funny how well you can know someone and still find out new things when you take time to talk you can find out what values people have by piecing together Little Things what they say how casual they are about money about repaying what they borrow about expecting wives to work values also become apparent in patterns of behavior Daddy and mother have always lived on a budget Daddy and mother again an expression that's getting to be nearly as irritating as the fact that she's always late that's why values make such a difference it can be plenty irritating to discover that what's important to you isn't important to someone else so irritating you're already here I've been here since 4 oh was that what time we said I'm sorry did you get the clerk to show you the one I saw in the window yes and I've had plenty of time to look at some others too there that one that's the one oh it's it's fabulous but well that's about it if you're going to be late and picking out your rings you're going to have to take what you again oh Jim be serious those Rings must cost a fortune I want my wife to have the best but well shouldn't we be more practical practical how about Rings oh look this is no time to be a cheap skate cheap skate I didn't mean so I'm a chief skate well let me tell you something someone's going to have to be the way you are spending money as if it grew on trees borrowing so you can put on a big show my parents taught me to respect money your parents your parents well can't you talk for 2 minutes without bringing your parents in we have to check with them every move we make well I just assume forget the whole can I help you thank you sweetie pie and don't call me sweetie pie I hate that [Music] name first I thought I'd just call up the engagement just call it quits but we can't do that why not oh it it kill me and him too we've just got to patch it up somehow well not if you're just patching things up to save your pride oh Judy dear it had hurt a great deal more to find out later that you should have broken up and didn't oh I wish it had never happened well it did and you won't believe this but it may not be the worst thing that ever happened this quarrel today it it brought out some things about Jim that have been bothering you and obviously some things about you that have been bothering him now if you two could just talk these things over oh I wouldn't have the neres I know most people are afraid to be completely honest with each other but you'll have to be eventually what if we couldn't work things out what if I couldn't get him to change Judy it's hard enough to change yourself how can you ever expect to change someone else but your father still takes off his shoes every time he sits down if you don't want to change dear or or don't want to live with Jim just the way he is well that's why engagements are broken brother I I didn't know you minded daddy slipping off his shoes some things you make up your mind to accept whether you like them or not other things your husband May accept but on the same basis whether he likes them or not you you can't depend on his feelings really changing one thing your father makes me accept is that he won't wait for his meals let me know if you need me [Music] oh I feel oh [Music] [Music] Jim could you come over us almost like strangers Judy and Jim confront each other in a way they are strangers two real people have replaced the Romantic Visions they used to see time has brought her to the point of admitting to herself this person is not perfect I am not perfect time has brought him to the point of asking can I live with her imperfections can she live with mine if they can face these facts and questions honestly their love is probably real physical attraction is backed by enough respect and similarity of values to build a lasting relationship the engagement is what an engagement should be a period of romance and reality how long do it take to get to this point how long should you date before marriage the answer to that differs with every couple the point is it takes time it takes conscious effort to discover reality in the midst of Romance when you become engaged what qualities good or bad will you look for in the one you love [Music]