Dennis Wolfberg on Tonight Show Johnny Carson 1980s KCST San Diego

Dennis Wolfberg. Dennis, [applause] [music] [music] [applause] thank you. Thank you. How do you do? Nice to see you. Nice to see you. [laughter] Uh, these are my eyes. I hope they don't frighten you. This is just the way they are. Some people have bedroom eyes. I have headlight eyes. Kind of an affliction. Although there are advantages to having eyes uh like this because in this business we do commercials and with my eyes I should be able to sell some coffee. [laughter] >> Well, as always, it's a pleasure to do the Tonight Show. Uh for a comedian, as comedians, it's not always television and nice studios. Uh two weeks ago, I played an old age home in Colombia, South Carolina. And uh when I say an old age home, there was a woman in the audience celebrating her 102nd birthday. And uh and a woman who did not look good for 102, she looked at least 140, 150. She didn't have wrinkles. She had pleat. I had never seen anything like this. [laughter] And at the end of the show, they brought in a cake to celebrate this 102nd birthday. But in a stroke of remarkable misjudgment, they gave her these candles that you cannot blow out. a brilliant cake for a woman who had no concept of reality anymore, blowing her brains up and spitting all over the cake. It was disgusting. And then she cut a slice and asked if I would like some. And I I said, "I'm trying to cut down on saliva in my diet. In fact, IT'S NOT CAKE. IT'S PUDDING." NOW, THANKS TO YOU, 102 years old. What would you buy a woman 102? Uh 50, you get gold. Uh 75 is diamond. 102 oxygen. SOMETHING THAT'LL HELP HER BREATHE TO MAKE IT to 100. She she she [applause] didn't laugh at anything I said. And uh and I said something to her. I thought was so funny. I I said 102. I'll bet there's no peer pressure. [laughter] [applause] Thank you very much. Uh you people. And it's not as though I don't have great reverence for AIDS. In fact, uh this coming November 11th will be my grandmother's 100th birthday. All though we don't celebrate it anymore. She's been dead for 30 years. But [laughter] uh I thought I would pass this along. Now we all age. This is part of life. Uh in conjunction with aging, a week ago Monday, I had the first complete physical examination of my life during which the doctor inflicted on me a procedure known as a rigid sigmoidoscopy. Now, I don't know if any of you are familiar with this former Nazi torture technique, but nobody HAD WARNED ME ABOUT THIS. I HAD no preparation. My wife thought I'd reach a certain age. It was time for me to have a physical. I'm in my late 30s, uh, my very late 30s. I'm 41. [laughter] And so, my wife sets me up with this doctor a week ago Monday, who I later found out graduated from the Joseph Minga School of Medicine. who inflicted on me this rigid sigmoidoscopy. Now, when I say he gave me a full complete physical exam, this was more than complete. This was medical overkill. He tested me for things I didn't really need any testing for. A a yeast infection. Why is he testing me for this? [laughter] What What are the chance I'M GOING TO SPROUT MUFFINS AT ANY POINT DURING this exam? I don't need this, doc? Would he testing me? He tested me for things I didn't need. SICKLE CELL ANEMIA. I'M A WHITE JEW FROM NEW YORK. WHY IS HE TESTING ME FOR THIS? I don't need this medical overview. TOPPED OFF BY THE rigid sigmoid oscopate. Now, how do I describe this procedure? Uh, it followed the hernia examination. Now, [laughter] I've had dozens of hernia exams in my life. Uh, but I had never had one quite as extensive as this one was a week ago Monday. This doctor was diddling and dling down there for an undue amount of time. To me, if there's a hernia, he should be able to find it in like 10 or 15 MINUTES. IT DOESN'T TAKE THAT LONG. IT'S IT'S NOT PLAYING PEEK-AB-OO. IT'S THERE. IT'S NOT. BUT HE WAS DIDDLING AND DLING. This This wasn't an exam. THIS WAS A COURTSHIP. I COULDN'T BELIEVE THIS. Just [applause] although he had a very nice touch, I'll be perfectly fair. But this has nothing to do with the story, of course. NOW, FOLLOWING the completion of this hernous search, [laughter] THE DOCTOR LEAVES ME ALONE with his nurse, Nurse Ratchet, I don't know if you're familiar with this NAZI CO-CONSPIRATOR, who in preparing me for this sigmoidoscopy, asks me to drop my trousers and hop up on the table. Now, this made me a little nervous. I said, "You first, babe. [laughter] >> [applause] >> She having seen no humor in this whatsoever, I dropped my trousers and I hopped up and assumed the classic horsey position, waiting for the doctor to show, at which point he finally walks in carrying a rather impressive piece of medical apparatus uh that looked remarkably like a Louisville slugger. [laughter] I I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THIS WAS. I THOUGHT MAYBE IT WAS A HARPOON HE FOUND ON A WHAILING EXPEDITION. I asked him what this was. He said it was A RIGID SIGMOIDOSCOPE, A camera that HE WAS GOING TO INSERT, DESPITE ITS PRODIGIOUS DIMENSIONS, FOR THE PURPOSE OF TAKING PICTURES OF MY COLON. I AM 41 YEARS OLD. NEVER HAS ANYONE REQUESTED PICTURES OF MY COLON. I I I ASKED HIM IF HE WANTED WALLET SIZE ROOM BY 10 GLOSSY. [applause] [cheering] It occurred to me THAT INSERTING SOMETHING SO LARGE TO AN OPENING SO DIMMINITIVE MIGHT CREATE SEVERE DISCOMFORT. I'M SURE THE SAME THING WOULD HAVE CROSSED your mind. I asked the doctor if this was going to hurt. to which he said, and I quote, he said, "You might experience a slight crimp." This is somewhat akin to telling somebody in the path of a tidal wave, "You might experience moisture." [applause] A SLIGHT CRAMP. KNOWING FULL WELL THE INCREDIBLE PAIN HE WAS ABOUT TO INFLICT ON ME, HE SHOULD HAVE SAID, "YOU'RE GOING TO WISH YOU WERE DEAD, BOY. YOU'RE GOING TO WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN. AND AT THIS POINT IN THE PROCEEDINGS, WITH NO FOREPLAY, NONE. WITH NO WARNING WHATSOEVER, HE LAUNCHES THIS TORPEDO AT MACH 2. SO THAT WITHIN SECONDS IT WAS HIDDEN. THE CRAMP WAS IN MY NECK. [applause] AND AS HE BEGAN SNAPPING PICTURE AFTER PICTURE, I BEGAN SCREAMING LIKE I NEVER KNEW HUMANLY POSSIBLE. TO WHICH NURSE RATCHET HAD THE NERVE TO SAY, "YOU'RE SCARING out other patients. [laughter] I'VE GOT THE CHRYSLER BUILDING IN ME." SO THAT MY THYROID IS BEING TICKLED AND SHE'S WORRIED ABOUT OTHER PATIENTS. I SAID THEY THEY SHOULD BE SCARED. THEY SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THIS. IN FACT, RUN JUICE, RUN. [applause] I WAS MEDICALLY DEFFLOWERED AND HE CHARGED ME 300 BUCKS. [music] >> [music] [applause] [music]