COURTSHIP & MARRIAGE

a winter afternoon in Richmond Hill small community just north of Toronto and on a skating party with friends - 14 Canadians Jane and duck there they are striped sweater and sports card cap respectively the girl is 18 and the boy is 19 [Music] after a day and an evening of partying they returned to Jane's house stop and Suzi's and had a bite Dayton stayed on for a while there is some cake grab some dinner okay dear a good night man night dad night dear she looks even younger than 18 yes a very youthful face she probably won't be much different 20 years from now sometimes i see maytee married really jane and dog have been going steady for five years are they a little young for serious courtship oh no are we marriages the mode these days good everything's terribly expensive don't sit don't hide deep in my liver huh mr. Weber tells me not meeting the bank next September do you think you might get it well I guess I've got a good chance anyone total of training judge I guess not right for my they're restrained can you imagine our Sicilian Carlo in this situation well self-discipline is very much the pattern at these days hang it cool I think of litera ha ha it's quite a widespread attitude but I don't know that it's totally typical of our courting couples [Music] many weeks later at the final highschool deaths it's the last one for Jane and Doug they graduated in the spring now gentlemen isn't this a little better than peaking at each other across a shepherd I think it is yeah but I think we have to remember that these youngsters aren't as unregulated as they seem they do create their own rules and their own restrictions and they have standards of behavior which are expected by themselves as well as the other members a little society perhaps not everyone observes the standards but the majority does you know as the majority does everywhere are we to come back next year that's crass dick well we want to everybody looks so young to me now yeah they do seem like a bunch of kids don't they mr. Weber cousin come apart in the bank whenever talk with the manager how much mr. I was kind of low but $2,000 I didn't $800 race first year well I get a regular raise every year after it's a good future Janet I can make maybe we could manage Doug I'm sure we could but with the money I bring in they always need girls that insurance company I'll only be for a year two bucks if I don't work then we won't be able to get married look I can say practically all nice out your mom won't want anything for room and board we might save enough by next Christmas guess it's almost a year I'm worried the end of next November I'll leave that to you good and then next November if we get our job ok well they're very sweet but I'm objective and businesslike yes but typical of their generation in class you see the 11 and middle class security conscious society it's all there middle class security conscious people and they live as we all do in a fairly cautious era there aren't many rebels or adventurers these days I gots a steady predictable job in a bank seems very attractive to many young men you know I think that could be a bad thing not only for the young member for everyone perhaps oh but that's the way it is what do you think of working wise professor well I think it depends on the individuals concerned I am sure though that family relationships must change where why is work here's something I found incredibly off hand see what you think going on yeah how's the job fine do you like it that's okay did you get your increase no not yeah that's the end of this year and all Sam in my day I could have supported the families what you were in well that's not like that hey we're getting married that's a big step we're getting married no did he tell you when I find the boys casualness quite credible and typical it might be the individual perhaps he's shy with his father but the fact is that our parents play no vital role and I choice of mate or the decision to marry they may try to influence their children but they don't necessarily succeed I know I sensed a moment of truth it's at HAMP you're quite right leave your lender Lee thank you she begins early and end late [Music] Oh dad beautiful I doubt if Carlo could have done any better miss Dodd perhaps target is restrained as I thought the first act got to the presentation of the ring is to tell James parrots professor Bower off on a string of parties including a good many showers for Jane is this the shower of purely North American customers well perhaps in this form but the culpable Affairs take place in other societies well it's a very practical custom look at all the Newt follow Marcos the shower maybe a carryover from Frontier Days whatever is really necessary to give couples practical gifts yes turn quite possibly a dowry substitute [Music] so much your Lassiter inevitably the bachelor party yes with the French Canadians call it the berry all over bachelor cute and now shall we drink a toast to this tonight finally the big affair the engagement party for a horde of friends and relatives is this the general practice in Canada well I think it's a possibly a general practice but I really don't know in fact we don't know much about our own customs we know a lot about mores and manors elsewhere apart you a little about Canadian ways you know I've often thought that all these incessant parties are much less fun for the guests of honor than they are for their hosts amen to that I think so well at least they can escape the small army of chaperones and slip away together so well let's leave them quite alone well that's certainly different from the others we've seen miss Jones can we generalize about what we've just seen our Jane and Doug typical of most young Canadians well I think their typical English speaking anglo-saxon Canadian go there class but we have other large groups in the country French Canadians for example and I think that you would find differences in their patterns perhaps more restrictions and then there are course other ethnic groups here where traditions from their own country play a part Seaver example European traditions influencing the young people well we're really quite a mixed group in Canada so it's not safe to generalize without a lot of qualifications we are but in spite of all this Charlie all our young people make their own choice our marriage about arranged in any way well that's true romantic love in certainly of a basis of courtship and this doesn't imply free choice on the part of the lovers hmm but you suggested that our free choice is not really as free as it seems that we're subject to convention - oh we certainly are mind you we don't have the explicit rules but there's certainly our expectation that I shared by people in the society and patterns if you like for example you will find ordinarily the Protestants marry protestants and roman catholic roman catholics and jews jews and so on and we don't approve of interracial marriage people do find long marriage to say between Negroes and whites nature and even a large age difference between couples is sometimes found a partnership although all of these very often proven to be some of the most successful yeah because they can they can be successful if you like but the nest is not necessarily approve yeah and another thing is we usually find people marrying within their own social class that the same kind of social background if you like so that well we don't have formal rules of courtship in the way that some of these societies have we certainly do have rules and although families may not play a direct role certainly a big group for the society if you like controls courtship social pressures are very much there certainly well now we turn to our final courtship and a very traditional society a village in Kerala in southwest India [Music] it's a very lush fertile part of India many rivers leading to the sea convenient for fishermen and for the movement of people and goods by water aside from the fishing grounds there are heavy stands of palm trees and the coconut is too this part of India what wheat is to our prairies this is the village called Kendra Kerry it's a community of fishermen and farmers and workers in small industry driving from agriculture and mainly lumber and the products of the coconut the majority of the people are Hindus composed of many castes and sects but there are sizable Muslim and Christian minorities the workday is drawing to a close in can't you carry last logs being piled in the lumber yards this is a fairly remote part of India and modern forms of entertainment and social concours generally are rare when he's cut his last coconut for the day this worker is likely to go to one of the temples and take part of a sort of village concert a favorite entertainment is the dance of Kathakali a triangle story of tragic love with the story told in music and song and also in a dance pantomime as you see the dancers wear a hideous but very beautifully made masks and Custer huh this I'm kind of always draws a large crowd most are there to see the dancers but some do attend for another purpose this is the only way courting couples can reach each other and our couple is here the handsome fellow in the center is Bella this is Romani his fiancee very much aware of the lands presence they've just recently become engaged this romance came about through the coconut or more properly through choir the fiber made from the coconut the fiber is spun into a yarn by the village girls including Romani as part of her duties Romani has to take bundles of yarn to the choir Factory at first this was just a pleasant relief from turning the spinning wheel a chance to get away for a little while from the coconut plantation and have a pleasant oak ride on one of them village rivers now I bet I can guess what happened she met Bella she did he works at the choir Factory and they became aware of each other and very much attracted to each other so the daily trip to the factory ceased to be a mildly Pleasant chore and became very romantic journey [Music] it wasn't difficult for a Romani to always contrive some excuse for lingering at the factory and letting Bolano that she was far from indifferent to him and also seeing that the line was far from different to her yes there's no doubt about how they feel [Music] finally this silent tentative courtship blossom belong from home from work one day to find that his sister and mother had news for him as with our Iranian hero there's just three in this family the father's dead no uncles Dyess the most important uncle as you'll see al and sister is unmarried though she's quite a beauty isn't she it may be that the thumb has to marry first this is the mother Ilana's prepared for the usual casual chat with his mother but she quickly brings the conversation around to marriage she wants to see him sitting with the wife how old is he he's 20 not too young for marriage here oh no he didn't gonna make the line learns that his mother has picked out a girl for him and there is him to openly declare his feelings for Imani his mother is delighted apparently she was the personal choice of her husband so all is well yeah yeah Jenna died mother said near that here is the important methyl professor Jones the old gentleman with the umbrella aha my fancy is about to approach the girl's family yes he is you know the mother's brother is her proxy in such affairs though the mother is the real power a man must make the formal contacts for her such red tape it's also required that a friend of Milan's accompany the Illinois now that could be remedied uncle no it's her father there is no uncle in this family seemingly this was the case in Iran it's almost certain that Romani's parents know the purpose of the visit I would think so there's always some forewarning open by indirection aha we don't have another sugar Volstead well that'll be quite straightforward don't pull on the friends see the girl but at least hint of their interest in a marriage those are special cast marks aren't they yes they denote the Java cast a Hindu caste you see the Uncle stare he's watching Romani's approach to judge her appearance to see if she's free of deformity he speaks to her to hear her quality of speech poor Romani she's paraded like a show horse I thought this was a woman's world well it is it's really balanced mother who will pass judgement on the girl on the basis of the uncle's report again a proud mother exhibits her daughter's skill with cloth famille that's a very characteristic gesture that tossing of the head it signified polite agreement and appreciation I see so this visit ends there'll be others as the families come to agreement [Music] the high point of the courtship for Romani and Balan comes when they have their only direct meeting prior to marriage their one chance to be together and it's a very brief encounter you know with the exception of the Canadian situation I begin to think the whole purpose of courtship is to keep the young people apart and not bring them together well though management don't as they do everywhere Romani makes her entrance in sounds feminine fashion only after her mother has greeted B'Elanna and the friend who comes with him at this visit the girl's parents get a chance to personally appraise the suitor do you see how she gets rid of the father he hasn't any voice in this whole affair the mother is completely in charge of course if she had a brother he would likely hey guys yeah I do I can I'm ordering video marketing Varna protects the mother leaves so the young people can be alone the boisterous friend tries to relax the somewhat tense belong by joking with him last-minute printing by Romani and then the mother brings a tray of betelnut for the girl to serve two boys [Music] and here's the big moment the man is very coy and bashful in this entire Berlin seems speechless the friend has to carry the conversation Romani is so confused by the friends sally's that she immediately please now the climax of the courtship the village astrologer has to cast the horoscope of the young Romani and Milan to determine if their marriage would be auspicious is this area so is it just a social gesture oh very serious astrology is very much believed in by all Hindus for every family event from birth to death he's consulted meri at all as far as I know women attend this ceremony you can deny the father is permitted to attend say the things are going very well yes everything seems in order and the astrologer can tie a symbolic not showing that the marriage would be an auspicious life [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] that brings us up to date on a Kerala courtship and also back to the evening dance our young people pretend to look at firstly grimacing dances but really look at each other Romani and balanc armies even though they're engaged no no meetings until they're married with or without a chaperone except out the evening entertainments and at a distance courtship in Kerala how did you like it absolutely charming in fact I think all the situations have been fascinating yes and how similar despite the superficial differences the basic factor for the fame I mean boy meets girl boy gift girl I should say well in those situations yes but I suppose it could be otherwise but I was thinking is a fundamental similarity but each society imposes its own though on the individual you will know of a patterns of courtship different than the less each milieu else sees to it that the people can find about padding but this pressure comes from society and family rather than through some legal process yes mainly although marriage law is involved in many societies to some extent well now I think remember you saying earlier but all these patterns and customs that we be talking about are changing and in most countries yes well you've got social change in every country I suppose the the rate of change varies but particularly in in societies they're becoming in industrialized the rate of change is very rapid and you'd naturally expect courtship patterns to change why why naturally well as a society becomes industrialized it's the production patterns and so on change people the parents are working are different and we find the family structures change happens is that sons and daughters go ahead to work in factories and in office aha the emancipation of women yeah absolutely and the emancipation of something too because I what happens with these sons and daughters start earning money and salaries of their own and they become independent of the family in this way and didn't gradually become are able to make decisions on their own adopt new attitudes congratulate the traditional forms change but this hasn't happened with our hero in Iran as far as we could tell no but we did see change and a change is taking place in the in that situation and I think probably the rate of social change hasn't reached its full force in Iran yet well now let's talk about the differences rather than the similarities it seemed to me the most pronounced difference was the matter of who controls the courtship yes which really means who controls the marriage yes put another way the free choice versus the arranged marriage and it seemed to me that this was a marked difference between the Western example than the Eastern examples which we've seen you know these arranged marriage as they seem to me so businesslike and unromantic I mean surely people should be allowed to make a selection of a mate for themselves on whatever basis they choose and preferably on another yes but the arranged marriage doesn't necessarily preclude love there are a number of societies which believe that marriage should come first and lo follow is that always true no of course not but can we say that arranged marriages founder more frequently than our pleased choice that imagine what about divorce rate well our divorce rates are high because we allowed it or yes but that's part of the free choice pattern isn't it yes and maybe we have to have divorce because we do we'll put such an emphasis on romantic love doesn't offense it's not the most efficient way of choosing a mate I think there are societies where marrying for love is quite roundup well there certainly are there are societies where the relationship between a father and his son for a mother and the daughter are much more important than the relationship between the husband and wife I think that's carrying tradition too far well maybe and certainly different from us at any rate and by the same time I think it should cause us to wonder whether we don't put too much of an emphasis on romantic love in high society I wish we could pursue this point and many others mr. professor Jones but we've exhausted our time if not our ideas thank you both for sharing this comparison and I still say [Music]