Blake Clark on Tonight Show Gary Shandling 1980s KCST San Diego

[music] Thank you. Thank you. I uh I'm glad to be here. I just got off the freeway. I'm glad to be anywhere. I don't I don't understand what's going on out here. They're they're shooting at people on the freeway. It's like somebody blinks her lights now. I'm hitting the floorboard. I don't even take chances anymore. I won't even ride with my wife. She drives so slow I can hear guns cocking a mile back. You know, they're shooting slow drivers on the freeway. I guess Japanese driver is pretty much going to be an endangered species around here, huh? And and they're I kid the Japanese, but and everybody's trying to outdo the other person. I was on the 405. That's a San Diego freeway. Guy drives by threw a pitbull in my car. But hey, I It's scary, you know. It's But if one good thing is going to come out of this, I guess there's going to be some real polite drivers around Los Angeles in about 6 months. You know, it's like, oh, no, you go ahead. No, no, no. You have the 44 Magnum. I only have a 38. Rightway is going to be determined by caliber out here or something. I don't know. I'm from Georgia. like uh Gary said and you you don't do stuff down there like that because you know these guys are driving along with pickup trucks and gun racks in the back. They have eight or nine shotguns in the back. You shoot up them with a little puny handgun. It's like get him Billy Bob and strap them on to the fender. Hey, let's pull up next that Mercedes. We going to bag our limit today, boy. Understand? I was uh Yeah, I'm from Georgia. I was born and raised in Georgia and I fought in Vietnam. Kind of like being >> [applause] >> Oh, good. THANKS FOR DOING THAT RIGHT ON A PUNCH LINE. [applause and cheering] I I'll go back and thanks for doing that right on a punch line. When you said something, get to do a punch line. Break into Just make noise. It'll be great. [laughter] Maybe I'll just blow something on my coat. [applause] I was born and raised in Georgia and I fought in Vietnam. He's like, [applause] >> you know, it's really embarrassing when you you I used to have a mustache and you get like stuff on there, you know? It's cuz YOU DON'T KNOW IT'S THERE and you're just talking to people. What's more embarrass more embarrassing if it's not yours. That's really [laughter] I WAS BORN AND RAISED, LET ME FINISH THIS. I WAS BORN AND RAISED IN GEORGIA and I fought in Vietnam. It's kind of like being punished for the same thing twice. BUT HEY, I used Yeah, I never thought I'd get through that one. [applause] I used to have flashbacks in Vietnam [laughter] of Georgia. Everybody thinks Southerners are stupid and I'm here to prove that. But people think Southerners are stupid. And I, you know, all of America is like not real bright anymore. I mean, like 200 years ago, we just celebrated our bison constitution. 200 years ago, they wrote it. Half of people in America now can't even read it. You know, it's like I'm not kidding you. I You can go in here. There's a convenience store right up the street here. I went in there. They actually have a sign behind the counter says manager cannot open safe. I'm not surprised you can't ring up a pack of stinking cigarettes. Okay. IT SHOULD BE A WHOLE WALL OF LIST OF THINGS he can't do. [laughter] Speaking English. [applause] Speaking English should be number one. I think opening the safe would be a quantum leap for this guy. I see. I don't understand what's going on in America. We spend hundreds of billions of dollars on defense. Hundreds of billions of dollars on defense to defend us from the Russians, the Nicaraguans, the Libyans, the Iranians. When's the last time a Russian broke in your car and stole your stereo? Huh? I'm not worried about you. If you're GOING TO DEFEND ME, GET ME BACK FROM Kmart alive. Okay? Break me from Americans. [laughter] BECAUSE AMERICANS KILL AMERICANS. THE REASON AMERICANS KILL AMERICANS, they get by with. See, if an American kills the American, we send him to therapy, try to get inside his head, see why he can't cope. If a foreigner kills the American, why? Then he's a terrorist. See, they just think Kaddafi had something to do with some AMERICANS DYING. THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW FOR SURE. THEY BLEW HIM UP. THEY DIDN'T GO OVER THERE TO SEE IF HE BEHIND any letters OF JODIE FOSTER. THEY BLEW HIM UP. IT'S THE JUSTICE SYSTEM. THE justice system. The justice system. [applause] The justice system in this country doesn't work and their heads work. First of all, it's based on 12 people not smart enough to get out of jury duty. THINK ABOUT IT. THE JUSTICE SYSTEM DOESN'T WORK. SEE, it's run BY LAWYERS. I READ THIS IN Omni magazine. You know, they're actually starting to replace rats in laboratory experiments with lawyers. So, there's there's three reasons for this. Number one, there are more lawyers than rats. Number two, there's some things a rat just won't do. AND [applause and cheering] number three, uh, some people actually get attached to rats. And a guy go, I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP. THIS IS TRUE. THIS HAPPENED. The guy goes in, he robs the BANKING LAWS. HE SHOOTS THE TELLER. He didn't have to do that. Was sort of a gratuitity. He shoots THE TELLER. HE'S ON VIDEOTAPE. THERE ARE 50 WITNESSES THAT SEE HIM DO IT. HE GETS IN A GUN BATTLE WITH THE POLICE IN THE BANK. THEY CATCH HIM IN THE BANK. THEN THEY CALL HIM A SUSPECT. WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE? HE GOES TO COURT. THAT TAKES 10 OR 11 12 months. Naturally, he's found guilty. He's on video tape. 50 witnesses in the bank. But then he appeals it. That's another four or five years. Meanwhile, he's written like three bestsellers. He's got a movie of the week. The teller still got a bullet. This isn't justice. See, I got a plan for these people. put him on people's court. NO, JUDGE WATNER'S ONLY DECENT JUDGE WE HAVE IN THIS COUNTRY. HE COMES BACK IN 2 MINUTES WITH A DECISION. THERE'S NONE OF THIS APPEAL STUFF. IT'S a commercial matter. Justice is done. And I thank you very much. Black pocket. [applause] [music] [music] [applause] let you know about my jacket. That was horrible. Very funny. >> Oh, thanks. >> I didn't I didn't throw you off when I [laughter] >> Yeah. I'm often thrown off by applause. >> Yeah. >> So, uh, >> suspenders on. >> Very funny. You have suspenders on now. This is probably some some hangover from the South, right? >> You have to wear these in the South. It's the law. >> I wear them actually. Why is that? >> I don't know. >> I actually wear them on bikini underwear. I wear suspenders [laughter] because it's, you know, >> Yeah. come out of the bathroom, just look like a sexy farmer. You know what I mean? >> Do you uh So, you are from the south, you're from Georgia. >> I'm from Georgia originally. >> How long have you lived here, Blake? >> 7 and a half years. And uh strange, you know, when I first moved out here, like I didn't I didn't relate to the people in California because I'm used to talking like Southerners. You guys say stuff like, "Oh, wow. I'm so stressed out. I just can't cope.