All Bottled Up (1975)

When I was eight, I went over to a friend's house when we got home from school. When her father came home, he kissed her hello. Then she got him the paper and helped her mother make dinner and I went home. I never knew what her father was until that day. [Music] I never really understood it. Like I didn't know what an alcoholic was or did, why he drank. All I knew was that he never paid any attention to us. >> Yeah. And our mom was too busy drinking too or taking care of our younger brother. I was mad all the time. Took it out on my kid brother. [Music] I thought nobody loved me. I never got any love from my mom except on my birthday once a year. One day I was with this friend Paco and me and him went down to the beach and we just started talking, you know, and I was pretty low and I brought this thing up. Hey man, I'm not really free cuz my mom drinks a lot and I I've got to stay home and take care of her. Paco said she's an alcoholic maybe. Dumb me. I say, "What's an alcoholic?" He said, "It's a person who can't stop drinking. They're sick." At first, I was confused. When I thought of an alcoholic, I thought of some bum. Yet, my dad was in hotel management catering. All of a sudden, there was a lot of him being arrested. He was drinking around the house. I really should have known when he drank to get going in the morning and before we went anywhere. An alcoholic is so much more insecure or immature or something. Their emotions weren't allowed to grow up. They say, "I drink because you give me too many problems." Or, "I wouldn't drink if you'd only act right. If you got better grades, I'd stop." The alcoholic uses any excuse to drink. I wish someone had told me when I was 10 that your dad and your mom love you a lot. And they're not drinking because of you, but because they have to inside them. I mean, you're not the cause. When you're drinking, nobody's loving. They're just kind of crashed out. It's a family problem. The family is just as involved as the drinker if they only knew it. [Music] >> My dad used to take me to the baseball game. He had the best average in the ballpark. He averaged two beers an inning. I felt cheated out of a baseball game. And baseball was very important to me. So I got so I hated him, but I loved him at the same time. He was our father, but he wasn't there. Then he'd come home and fight with mom. In the midst of all that, we'd come out and join the argument. >> That's the main thing in an alcoholic family. Staying up till 2, 3 in the morning arguing about us, about them, about their drinking. The best thing you can do is to find somebody you can trust to talk to. You know who won't blab. Once you get it out, it's easier to deal with. There's some things you you don't want to do, and that's one of them. But it's got to be done. It's not hard to find someone. Like, there's 12 million alcoholics in this country. Lots of them got kids. Just that makes you feel like you're not alone. >> We can live a pretty normal life and love our parents without getting dragged down by their drinking. Are we going to act or react? One of the big things, you know, is to be more of an individual, to go your own way. You have to detach yourself and say, "I still love you. If that's the way you want to live your life, okay, I can't change you." cuz you can't live anyone else's life. As much as I love you and as much as it's hurting, I have to let you live your own life. I wanted my father to pay attention to me. So, at first I got good grades in school, but he didn't care. So, I gave up and I I started getting bad grades. He didn't care then either. Finally, I started to make fun of him around the house. Dad did it. He beat me. I mean, it hurt and I cried, but at least he paid attention to me finally. If there's violence, the most important thing, and a lot of times, I know it's hard for somebody who's 12 or something is to leave. Split. I mean, get out. Go outside for a walk around the block or something. Go to a neighbors, especially if there's someone who understands. You got to save yourself first before you can save anyone else. >> Yeah. Find a friend you can talk to. Do anything, but don't argue. Keep away from it. >> If you can't leave the house, go to your room and sit there. If you don't have anyone to talk to, get out a piece of paper and just write out your feelings. >> Just so you don't bottle them up inside. [Music] For me, it was drugs. I was 14 when I began using drugs and drinking like my father. I was ridiculed in school a lot because I didn't have sharp clothes and things like that, dumb things. And these people, the dopers, were the only ones who accepted me. When I was out of it, I could really laugh, you know, a lot. [Music] I couldn't do without it. Nothing was really funny then. It was my form of escape, but it was a trip to nowhere. Seems there's like a lot of families where one of the kids becomes an alcoholic, too. Partly it's around, you know, and your mom or dad is drinking it, so it must be okay. Partly it's cuz the kid wants to get even. It's crazy. The kid says, "You're messing yourself up and getting down on me, so I'm going to drink and mess myself up and get even. >> Drugs, drinking. If you're escaping, you can't help them." Well, still there isn't a hell of a lot you can do. Pouring the liquor down the drain isn't going to help. They just buy more. >> Or saying, "Why don't you stop drinking?" >> They've got to want to stop to want help. >> It seems cruel, but sometimes the best thing to do is let the alcoholic hit bottom. That's when we start covering up for him. We let him go on drinking. Your dad keeps getting busted and you keep bailing him out. Or or your mom's drinking and you tell the neighbor she's got a cold. Hey, that ain't going to help. Some hit bottom and go right on through. But most get miserable sooner or later and want to change. And when that happens, you got to be ready. One day they're sober and they say something like, "I wish I could stop drinking. I need help. What do I do? >> When he asks for help, you you have to know about the Alcoholism Council where you live or Alcoholics Anonymous. >> At least have a phone number handy. >> First, get yourself straight. That's pretty important. I realized I couldn't straighten my dad out unless I was straight myself. That's your responsibility to the alcoholic. Get yourself straight and know where help is. It's not in the bottle or bailing them out of jail or blaming them. It's not feeling sorry for yourself. >> You couldn't go on being happy despite what your parents did. If you let what other people do affect you, all it does is screw up your own head. I really think that the most important thing is for a person to know he can be himself and still be accepted. That's hard when you're 10 or 11 or even 12. But it's something you got to learn first before you can help. >> The most important thing is to like yourself, to live your own life, and be happy doing the things you like doing. your mom or your dad's drinking, you can't let it be your whole life. It's like my folks live their own lives. I try not to worry about what they're doing. And now that's hard cuz I love them.