Wasted (1983)

[Music] It's a long way back from nowhere to where I am today. It's hard to believe that not very long ago, I lived my life for drugs. I was an addict, not addicted to any one thing, but to everything I could get my hands on. From pot to pills to alcohol to speed, getting off drugs is so painful. A lot of people don't make it. But I was lucky. I survived. And today I live my life for me. But I remember how it was. The first time I got high was 8 years old. And this guy that was a lot older than me turned me onto some pot. And from then on it was really downhill. You know, I'm not saying that what happened to me happens to everybody. All I'm saying is from then on it was downhill. He was my little brother and he was sweet and he was funny and he was real involved with his friends and sports and then one day he was different. It's hard to watch someone you love destroy themselves. And it's more hard to watch someone you love destroy themselves and pull everyone down with it. And that's what Tim was doing to my mother and I. When Tim started getting high and when his behavior changed and his attitude changed, you know, even his looks changed. His his most intense his most brutal behavior was when he wasn't high. when he needed to get high, we'd have to watch what we said around him. He was like a time bomb, you know. And this time he went into the kitchen. We were both in the kitchen and we were yelling at each other. And the next thing I know, he had a knife in his hand. And he was chasing me around the house with this knife. And it was real difficult because it wasn't like this was my brother Timmy. You know, half of me's going, "There's this animal after me with a knife. The other half of me is going, "This is my brother." There haven't been very many times in my life where I've ever been that frightened. And he chased me around the house and then I went to the bathroom. I locked the door and I pulled all the all the drawers so they would block the door in case he, you know, used the knife to unlock it. I remember I just I just sat down against the door and I just cried and I was shaken and I heard him throw the knife away. I think at that point he realized what he was doing, what his anger had brought him to do. I think he totally freaked out. It took a long time for my mother and I to trust him again, to really trust him again. He lost that. I loved him deep down inside because I was obligated to. He was my brother, but I didn't like it. I hated him for what he was doing to us and himself. I hated him as a person because he was always wasted. The first thing you start to lose is your mind. When you smoke dope, your memory just kind of fades away until one day you can't even find your stash. Come on, man. It's here. I know it's here somewhere. I put it right here, I think. Where did I put it? He used to steal money and he'd steal whatever he could to get, you know, that he could get money for that he could trade so he could, you know, get drugs. I used to uh rip off silver, silverware, silver platters, calculators, watches, costume jewelry that I could get a quarter a piece for. Anything that would keep me getting high. [Music] Tim, where are your grandmother's candlesticks I asked you to clean? What candlesticks? The ones you were cleaning this morning. I don't know. I thought I saw you take them out to the car. Oh, those candlesticks. I gave them to some guy. Why' you want them? Some guy? You gave them to some guy? Yeah, for a few bucks. No big deal. Timmy, those candlesticks have been in the family for over 50 years. When I started getting high, I don't know why, but I became rebellious against school. I mean, I'm not saying that everybody likes school. Some people, I mean, almost everybody I know doesn't like school, but they follow through with it. They'll do it, you know, only because they know that it'll help them out in the in the future. But when I started getting high, I hated school. I was almost always late. I was always so stoned. I never cared about doing my homework. Okay, class. You've had over a week to complete your homework assignment. Now, remember, this paper will count for onethird of your final grade. Oh, no. The most fortunate thing was that my mother didn't go through a long period of denial. And that's the most damaging thing for the family and the drug abuser. You know, she didn't bury the problem and hide it in a closet, which is what a lot of people do because it's it's ugly. I mean, nobody wants to look at their kid and see a drug abuser. Dim, I don't understand. You used to get such good grades. No big deal. It doesn't matter much. Sit down a minute. Tell me what's going on, Tim. Maybe I can help you if there's something wrong. There ain't nothing wrong. I got some lousy grades. So what? I mean, so what? I want you to tell me the truth. Are you using drugs? Oh, hey, wait a minute. How can you say that? How can you accuse me of that? I mean, my own mother. Well, just the same. I I think you should stay home every night until you catch up on some of your schoolwork. What? Don't tell me what to do. I can run my own life without you telling me what to do. I'm not going to take this anymore. I've had it with his lies. He's becoming a monster. What does he think he's fooling? I know he's using drugs. I've got to make him stop before he kills himself. [Music] [Applause] [Music] The peer pressure was incredible. Uh the peer pressure at school with the attitudes were if you didn't get high before school, you didn't need to go to school. If you didn't get high after school, then something's wrong. You're starting to stay straight. If you didn't get high during school, then uh you're being watched by the principal. Uh I always felt the need to go smoke a number before school in the alley cuz everybody else did. Or at least I thought everybody did. Some kids knew better. They knew how to say no. Hey Tim, how you doing? So, hi man. Uh, I'm real good. Real good. How are you? You want a hit? No, I don't do that stuff. Everybody when they go under extreme pressure, whether they create it or it's thrust upon them, they have to have something to help them cope with the pressure. Some people read a book. Some people go see a movie. Some people get involved in sports. Tim got involved in drugs. Nobody likes sports if they're getting high. I used to love to play soccer, but when I started getting high all the time, I'd go to the game stoned. Then I'd get stoned again when I got there. I thought it would help me play better, but all it did was screw me up. When I'd smoke just one joint, it was like pumping 10 cigarettes into my lungs. Just one joint. And it's not like I'd get straight again right away. It takes hours. And marijuana actually stays in your body for over a month. It slows you down until you just don't care whether you play or not or win or not. And pretty soon it starts to show. [Music] [Applause] Tim, it's a tie score. Keep them from scoring. You're in. I didn't know what was happening. I try to play and the other guys will run circles around you. It's a losing battle when you try and maintain a normal life and stay high at the same time. Hey man, what's happening? I blew the game. Just a stupid game, man. Why even bother play? Yeah. Yeah. Who cares, man? Just get high and forget it. [Music] I would say yes because my best friend beside me was saying yes, and I'd do whatever he did. Then it got to the point to where whether I wanted to say yes or no, I couldn't because I needed more. The problem is is that in today's society, especially among kids, taking drugs is accepted socially. It's encouraged. And what most people don't realize is that once you start taking the drugs, you don't know when you're going to step over that line and become a drug addict. When I first started getting high, it was easy. I mean, it was it was no big deal, you know. Just got high every once in a while. And then it started to slowly get to the point to where it was a big deal where I couldn't go out on the weekends and have fun unless I was stoned or unless I was drunk or unless I was tripping or whichever way I got high. Got to point to where I couldn't have fun unless I was loaded. [Music] Hey. Uh, you want to get high? No. Hey, come on. It's all right. Really, you'll get into it. Come on. Why do you want me to get high so bad? Why not? I don't recognize you anymore, Tim. You don't care about anyone. You don't care about me. The only thing you care about is getting high. Come on, don't waste your time with her. This party's pretty slow, man. We ought to rip off some wheels tonight and really get it on. What about your old lady's car, man? Well, uh, yeah, let's go for it. Okay, I've got him. Let's roll the car out and then start it up. I thought I was so cool. We'd drive around doing all kinds of drugs and drinking at the same time. That's what happens. First you start smoking dope and drinking and the next thing you know you're taking pills and acid and speed. Then your head gets so messed up you start doing really dumb things. I mean I was lucky I didn't kill myself or anyone else. When you get blown away like that and you drive, something's bound to happen. Oh god, what am I going to do now? My mother's going to kill me. Ah, it's only a dumb old car anyway. Yeah, see you around, man. We better split before the cops get here. Sure the friends you have are real good ones. I know when I'd get an ounce, I'd have friends popping up everywhere. They'd stick by me until I got into trouble or I ran out of money. When the ounce was gone, they were gone. Off to the next guy who had something else to get high. [Music] What am I going to do? I can't keep going on like this. I can't stop drinking. I can't stop smoking dope. I can't stop taking pills. I can't stop doing speed. I swore when I first started, I wouldn't let it get to me. But I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like a little kid who's becoming an old man [Music] overnight. This stuff is killing me. But I don't want to die. [Music] [Applause] I need a drink, man. No, I don't have a drink. Got any dope, man? Dope. No. No more dope. Acid, man. I need acid. No, I don't have any acid. [Music] Got any pills, man? Got any pills? No pills. No pills. You need more drugs. Drugs kill. No. No. [Music] Oh no. Oh my god. I'm going to be sick. I'm going to be [Music] sick. Tim just started taking drugs socially. I mean, sure, I'll I'll smoke that joint with you. I'll be cool, you know? I'll have fun because I can handle it. And he didn't even know what hit him. He just woke up one day, looked at himself in the mirror, and he's a drug addict. This junkie is staring back at him. You know, it's just incredible. It's just incredible that that one thing could become so important to a person's life to make him literally try and kill himself because that's what he was doing if Tim hadn't gotten sober when he did. I mean, you've got to wonder, you know, because drugs kill and these people are slowly committing suicide and they're not just killing themselves, they're taking everybody with them. I remember I called up to a drug abuse program and I made four calls cuz the first three I hung up because they said the name of the drug abuse program and I hung it up because I didn't want to be known as a drug addict. I just wanted to be known as a person that socially uses anything that'll get him stoned. And uh that fourth call is what saved me. I can think of kids I knew in high school that are dead over overdoses or drugrelated accidents, car accidents or suicides. I can think of other kids I know that went to prison because they were selling [Music] dope. I'm not proud to say it, but it's true. You know the things I lost when I was getting high. selfrespect. [Music] I used to walk down the street with my head down. I was ashamed of myself. I didn't like people. Another thing I lost when I was getting high was my relationship with my family. There was no growth there. Everybody else, all my brothers and sisters. While they were growing, I was getting fried. I lost my friendships with the good guys I used to go to school with, all the winners, the people that were on the soccer team and the teachers. When I started getting high, they didn't want any part of me and I didn't want any part of them. Right now, I'm starting to learn things that I should have learned when I was 9 years old, when I was 10 years old. Timmy's great today. I mean, he's he's my brother and he never was before. There are so many good aspects of staying straight. The best times I ever had were doing things I really liked, playing sports and winning, doing stuff in school like drama and music, or maybe just getting to know someone really well, someone who can be a friend, a real friend. Those are real highs. Highs that make me happy I'm alive and make me want to keep on living. It's not worth it. If I could take that risk again, I would not take the risk. I would not want to risk my life for some pot. [Music] [Music] [Music] Heat. Heat. [Music] [Music]