Coping II: Getting What You Want

standing you're gonna go hop oh dear thank you are why do you always treat me like a child because you act like one get off my back here we go again you know what time it is what do you mean you know what I mean night Don oh come on come on what because I said so that's why just forget it when I was your age we walked to school oh sure you're right I'm wrong where are you I don't know you don't know means me oh no trouble with you is you don't listen you wouldn't understand Rondo Rastafari cycle Miguel's manga what is that supposed to mean man you're so out of it won't you ever learn that there are other people in this world because I couldn't you'll be a little more respect the other parents are letting their kids go to the game are you people getting what you want now a lot of angry frustrated folks trying to be heard all talking at each other spinning their wheels in ruts of relating whatever relating we ask questions of each other like this oh do you think you are do you know what time it is why do you always treat me like a child see questions are being asked what answers aren't really expected most questions like these are setups manipulations and all communication stops with the first why or what or when then there's the you statement the trouble with you is you don't listen you wouldn't understand man you are so out of it I don't know you don't know you statements make the blaming great the message is you must change you are at fault I blame you defense first of all I don't reveal my feelings I don't get involved I don't commit myself come on inside and I'll tell you what I mean all ice beam circuit I thought I'll direct with you just let me get these last few papers corrected I'm in kind of a hurry Jay Gandhi I work at for all right Steve what's your problem now look about the term project what about it well I don't think the three weeks are going to be enough Terry weeks is plenty of time but I need more than three weeks see I've got this idea that everybody has three weeks now if I make an exception for you I have to do it for the whole class but it's not enough time for what I want to do look you've got three weeks now stop complaining and get to it won't you even listen to what I have to say when you have something to say I'll listen thanks for your help mr. Johnson don't you smart-mouth me my friend now get out of here you bet I will with pleasure gentlemen gentlemen hold on a second are you getting what you want to hear the way he talked to me I don't have to make you that look yelling at each other doesn't accomplish a thing right guess I blew it huh how we both did I was tired preoccupied I put you down unfairly good both of you are beginning to see the major issue here most of us adults and young people get angry when we feel disrespect from another let's try it again only this time talk about what you want where you're coming from before you go in Steve determine your goal what do you want to have happen and why I want extra talent in my term project why not choose something that you can do in three weeks well I really need a good Grandage project see I grouped around that semester and now I need to do something special for my greater getting a good grade on your term project as your real goal the step toward reaching that goal knowing your real goal can help focus when you're trying to get what you want [Music] I see what's up I need to talk with you about my term-paper value your time and value Steve's as well I'm pretty busy I could give you a few minutes though if you need more time I can schedule you an hour on the Wednesday thanks but I just need a couple of minutes anyway I got to be at work at 4:00 I just wanted to ask if I could do a special term project so take jokes two ways to complete it two extra weeks yes sir I want to do it on geothermal energy I like the idea to brand new field of study sure why not one thing though getting information on something like that could be kind of hard you sure you want to take on a project this big yeah I really want to do it and I want to do a good job too good then do it and if you need any help or advice let me know and I'll do what it can thank once doesn't seem all [Music] Wow what if I'm it's like that's gotta be a record oh shut up Buffy bad enough without your coming I shouldn't wait around I'll get some dumb boy those not dumb just me and you're the dumb one [Music] maybe Buffy's right BAM well what am I supposed to do I've asked so nicely to be on time I begged him I'd even threatened nothing works it just comes when he wants to says he doesn't live by the clock what am I supposed to do well you can start by not rewarding bills behavior I don't reward his behavior yes Pam you do you reward bill no matter how late he is I don't need it sure you get mad but you're always there waiting and you always end up going out with him right why should he change you're giving no reason to I never thought of it like that I do keep going out with him but I like him we have a lot of fun together and I don't want to lose him I don't know what to do got any suggestions Oh couple first spot the issue that's upsetting you the real issue I hate being kept waiting that's the issue no it's more than that I feel controlled I feel like there's some sort of power game going on we said a time and then he just ignores it I can't get them to change then you change your behavior when you change your behavior bill has to change his behavior how can I change my behavior should I just ignore his lateness well try not being here when he comes go on to the party alone you'll just get mad on the other hand I'm mad and I don't like being treated this way making changes involves risk sometimes a big risk you have to decide whether it's worth it or not okay I'll take the risk I'll go on to the party with Adam [Applause] [Music] Oh [Music] [Applause] [Music] so I decided today that I was going to leave with that and next time I see a movie I'm going to tell him that if you'd like me more I'm just going to have to go with that and United by now I think it's well you know I'm getting tired of big of above all what's going on down Buffy told me you took off left waiting around for almost an hour I decided I wasn't going to miss anymore as a party all come on Pam so I'm late besides never bothered you before well it bothers me now from now on if you're late I'm not going to be waiting for you my time is important to you and if you don't want to share it hey that's a little heavier than but look though I like you a lot and I don't want to stop seeing you but I'm not going to be kept waiting around a bit okay okay no more late and to prove it how about the movies tomorrow night 8 o'clock on time but in case I'm late [Music] [Applause] [Music] I don't believe you I thought after your favorite you think again let's go happy how about that hi Marty I guess so a little thank you that oh - banana Margie yes mom I got a letter for Miss Kramer today I see an English Marty Addie it's only a mid semester grade I can bring it up you're going to bring it up and until you do you're grounded I can't be grounded I'm on the class B committee I've got to go to meetings and help with the primary grounded Margie that's final mom that's a mean rotten thing to do to me listen young lady I don't want any more bad talk now get in there and get started on your homework [Music] just a minute Margie are you telling each other what you really want what do you mean what's the issue here the basic issue basic issue is that I got a D and she's mad sure I'm mad Margie needs to keep her grades up if she wants to get into college fact the issue look mom I know I have to get good grades but grounding me will force me to revise in the class Day committee that in helping me is punishing me it sounds as though you both agree that grades are important right well why not try writing out a contract that states your immediate goal and what has to be done to reach it a contract I don't understand agree in writing as to the goal then agree on what steps will be taken to reach that goal do you mean the goal of getting into college no that's too far in the future contract for a more short-term goal a certain grade in English or a certain grade point average we view your agreement every few weeks to be sure it's something you can respect and accomplish I think a contract a super idea well it might make you more responsible for how well you do I really don't like standing over you making you study okay in order for this to be a workable agreement you both must agree to honor it all right Margie must be able to attain the goal you agree upon an A in English by the end of the semester Oh mom that's impossible the goal of an a this late in the semester probably isn't realistic mrs. Owen if the task or goal not possible to reach your agreement fail I really think I can pull my English breath to Abby I have about five minutes right maybe I can do some extra makeup work all right then Abby without being grounded without being grounded good let's talk about the contract right now all right now the first thing you need to do is talk with Miss Kramer about the thing that you can do to change the B to a B well if she seems to like me and maybe I can talk to her in school tomorrow can mix an extra assignment great [Music] doesn't what yeah having call you right back I said turn it off not done Paul I've told you a dozen times no music I couldn't even like customer on a bunk just now but mr. morning I like music I work better with it and being back to air Ilona keeps me company you're here to work not listen to music and dance I do my work besides what's the harm didn't you like music when you were young when I was young I appreciated having a job we worked in those days here we go again you kids are all alike if you don't want this job there are a lot of people who do people who work hard it's not fair I worked very hard I'm the fastest Packer you've ever had you said so yourself not anymore now you're a dancer you want music get a job at a record shop got nothing more to say [Music] got a problem bowl sometimes it gets to you doesn't it yeah but I like the job the pay is good the hours are great it doesn't interfere with school just the boss I guess he's okay he's just old got any solutions for your problem yeah I could quit that's a little drastic isn't it I'm sure mr. Mori doesn't want to lose you maybe you should consider negotiating what's negotiate I want music he doesn't he's the boss there's no way to share it without it bugging him hey wait a minute a radio headset I'm sure that would do it I said go for it what do you have to lose mr. Morley isn't sure maybe you can negotiate for a period of time a few days to try the plan trying a plan on a trial basis says in effect that no one is locked in that's working out a solution that's coping yeah well I can try it I guess I don't have anything to lose you can't fire me for asking Oh mr. Morley mr. Morley I have an idea that might work for both of us if I bought a pair of radio headphones I could listen to the music but it wouldn't bother you you wouldn't hear it sound wouldn't hear a Sade I'm sure it would work could we try it for a couple of day it just might work at that okay let's give it a try all I gotta admit these things really work was a great idea can't they want you to take the music though can I keep them yeah sure oh here's your paycheck don't expect any workman's call this you go deaf [Music] hey mr. Morley what gets a $10 for that for my half of that contraption then buck the small price to pay for peace and quiet [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] there are many ways to cope to get what you want and need the solutions of these and other similar problems may not come as easily or as quickly as we've seen here what we've just seen are merely examples situations there was like the basis for trying ways of coping take it from me it's easier when you set your goal and stay focused on say what you want why it's important to you and what you want the other person to do to indicate with I statements not questions a new statement feels good to say where I am coming from how I feel what I want from you rewarding behavior you don't like that worth nagging a person to change that's for diving no responded only when I changed my opinion changing does require risk the questions are how important is that written to make that change what's the worst thing that can happen rifting is often required to get what you want think about your options or alternatives negotiating for what you want is using one of your options oh one more thing don't decide beforehand how the other person will respond to be a winner you got to get in the game when you're proposing the solution hope that's the other person in you know what I mean try out the idea on a trial basis think about you talk about it are you sure you can't get any good music on this link contracting is a way of agreeing is equal put in writing what you will do and what the other person will do sign it data and live up to it agree on an attainable goal something possible that can be accomplished in a short period of time as Margie says it's a contract between equals each taking responsibility for his or her actions now we're updating our old contract for the new semester called coping feels good [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause]